I can’t force myself over the edge

[dogdrool]

I'm not sure if anyone else relates but honestly the most frustrating thing I've learned recently is that I can't *force* myself to want to die.
I'm in that weird limbo where things hurt and I'm depressed and exhausted and things feel purposeless, I'm being self destructive and I've cut 80% of people off in my life but I'm not *quite* to the point of really being able to kill myself, so I'm just suffering. You know? I do want to die, but I don't want to do it *enough*.

I have quite unstable moods where I feel extremely depressed and distressed to the point of feeling like I HAVE to CTB for about 2 weeks, and then it slowly evens itself out again. I told myself that I'd never let myself experience that kind of distress again, but here I am letting the cycle continue. I guess I'm just waiting for something to push me over the edge. Next time I feel that way, I'll do it.

I'm just going through the motions right now. I have a mountain of uni work to do. Who knows when I'll figure that out.

Hopefully someone understands and I don't come off as sounding… off. I am suicidal, I have been for almost a decade (I am 19), it just goes up and down and I can't seem to end the cycle before it repeats itself again.

 

[itsgone2]

It doesn't get any easier. I want to and still can't. So many here stuck in limbo.

 

[swankysoup]

Wow it's like i wrote this. I cannot believe i have somehow "allowed" myself to live long enough to experience this. If i explained this intense suicidality and emotional deadness to my past self, they would be very disappointed in me for still even being alive and letting it get this bad. I feel so weak for being trapped in here.

 

[dogdrool]

Wow it's like i wrote this. I cannot believe i have somehow "allowed" myself to live long enough to experience this. If i explained this intense suicidality and emotional deadness to my past self, they would be very disappointed in me for still even being alive and letting it get this bad. I feel so weak for being trapped in here.

Exactly. If somehow I could've beamed this experience into my mind during my last attempt two months ago then I'm sure I'd have followed through. I've been feeling like shit for longer than two months, but having attempted so many times that I've run out of steam is a different experience. At least before I felt in control, now I just feel exhausted and helpless.

Now Christmas is here and so is new years and blah blah blah. I should've gotten it over with when it was warm enough to exist outside without becoming a popsicle and my mum wouldn't be waking up 3 weeks before Christmas with a policeman on her doorstep.

 

[swankysoup]

Exactly. If somehow I could've beamed this experience into my mind during my last attempt two months ago then I'm sure I'd have followed through. I've been feeling like shit for longer than two months, but having attempted so many times that I've run out of steam is a different experience. At least before I felt in control, now I just feel exhausted and helpless.

Now Christmas is here and so is new years and blah blah blah. I should've gotten it over with when it was warm enough to exist outside without becoming a popsicle and my mum wouldn't be waking up 3 weeks before Christmas with a policeman on her doorstep.

I can relate, i thought i was ready to go 2 years ago but i wasn't. Since then i found a good method, and have thought and planned it endlessly, so now i'm burnt out, numb, anxious, afraid. But since 2 years ago i developed false hopes and copes that have a stronghold of me at this time.

 

[dogdrool]

I can relate, i thought i was ready to go 2 years ago but i wasn't. Since then i found a good method, and have thought and planned it endlessly, so now i'm burnt out, numb, anxious, afraid. But since 2 years ago i developed false hopes and copes that have a stronghold of me at this time.

I am in exactly the same situation.

Incredibly burnt out, numb and afraid, as you said. For some reason, my brain has convinced itself that staying alive is worth it for the time being and I genuinely have no clue why. Sometimes I wish that something irreversible and horrible would happen so I'd feel justified in ending things.

It doesn't get any easier. I want to and still can't. So many here stuck in limbo.

It really is terrible, I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I don't understand why our brains do it to us

 

[swankysoup]

I am in exactly the same situation.

Incredibly burnt out, numb and afraid, as you said. For some reason, my brain has convinced itself that staying alive is worth it for the time being and I genuinely have no clue why. Sometimes I wish that something irreversible and horrible would happen so I'd feel justified in ending things.

It really is terrible, I'm sorry you're in the same situation. I don't understand why our brains do it to us

It's just how our minds work, always protecting us. My suicidality was the result of my whole sense of who i am breaking down a few years ago, but those feelings have mellowed out, damaged me, and now my mind is desperately keeping me alive in worse shape than ever before. I guess eventually something will push me again and make me explode, and i hope i will be ready by then, with some anger and energy. In the mean time i will try to do something useful with my life since i'm still alive.

 

[dogdrool]

It's just how our minds work, always protecting us. My suicidality was the result of my whole sense of who i am breaking down a few years ago, but those feelings have mellowed out, damaged me, and now my mind is desperately keeping me alive in worse shape than ever before. I guess eventually something will push me again and make me explode, and i hope i will be ready by then, with some anger and energy. In the mean time i will try to do something useful with my life since i'm still alive.

It's genuinely crazy what your brain will do.

Last time I really attempted, I was honestly sure about everything. Didn't care about my family, friends, pets. I was sure I'd be reincarnated into some kind of better life until I actually laid on the tracks and within 30 seconds my brain was shouting fears to me about what happens after death. I have never feared death before. Survival instincts are genuinely crazy and they will do anything to keep you here. I still fear death now after that attempt.

 

[urgent]

Wow it's like i wrote this. I cannot believe i have somehow "allowed" myself to live long enough to experience this. If i explained this intense suicidality and emotional deadness to my past self, they would be very disappointed in me for still even being alive and letting it get this bad. I feel so weak for being trapped in here.

I understand.I was like that for years. Now I have so many medical issues too. My life is agony. Excruciating pain 24/7 I can't jump hang. I want it to be as painless as possible. I might have been able to travel for,MAiD, but I'm physically not able to do it now. I didn't expect to get this bad. I would love it if I could get someone to get the medicines they use, or N,SN, fentanyl, set up helium or nitrogen and make sure I'm dead so I don't end up in a ward. I truly can't take the physical pain and no quality of life. I'm ready right now, but I can't even drive anymore. I wish I had one person who understood and would do that for me. I'm dying to die and be out of brutal pain.

 

[emptylost]

Yes, I too have been living in this fucked up purgatory for the last year consistently.

 

[Blueberry Panic]

It's a cycle , you just have to find a way to brea it whether it be by ctb or getting better...

 

[TheMadmanJL]

Buy you some vodka and a bag of weed! Then at the moment you won't give a fu*k! That's what I do, if I'm getting lower than what I'm already am I get fu*ked up and say fu*k this dumb shit! Most people "not all" are dumb and full of shit

 

[happy2die]

YES ME TOO! I am also 19 and have been suicidal for about 8 years. I stopped attending all my classes, stopped doing all my assignments, made much more life-ruining decisions because I knew I wanted to be dead by the end of the semester and that I wouldn't have to experience the consequences.However, when I tried CTB a couple of times before (when I was sure that I wouldn't wait until the absolute last second of the semester), I backed out because I was basically forcing myself to die when I didn't feel like it.I only have six days left, but I'm still in that middle ground of "enjoying" my life because I don't have any responsibilities, but knowing that I can't go on forever like this.This is my last chance to die, and if I don't, I'll have to experience the consequences of all of the horrible decisions, including probably being admitted to inpatient. I hope I can get prescribed benzos because FUCK SI!! if anyone knows how to get some alcohol or weed pls lmk