Venting i can’t do it

[gardenfairy]

i hate that i feel like this but i don't want to die. in my heart i know i don't deserve to die and i feel sad for myself, i know i have so much to give and i think im a good person but it's so painful to be alive. every time i try i just stare at the rope and cry and i cant bring myself to do it even though i dont want to do this any more. i just dont want to live in this body with this mind but i dont want to die and so i dont know what to do.. i feel so trapped and all my brain will say is that i want to go home - even when im at my house. i dont even know where home is then. inside my head its like i just want my life to be different and i want to be a different person but its been almost 12 years of feeling like this and nothing has changed and i dont know if it ever can so why cant i just accept that my only option is to end it? it just leaves me in this horrible trapped middle ground of agony where i cant die but i cant live and i hate it. it physically hurts and i just dont know what to do.

 

[UglyLife82]

I can really relate. It's a very confusing feeling, wanting to stay and simultaneously feeling like you need to go.

 

[kazatte]

i know exactly how you feel; you're not alone in this at all. it seems like yours is one of those situations where you don't know if you want to go or not, to which i will tell you: don't. if you're not ready, don't. i know you don't want to live in pain anymore and i understand that feeling completely

if it helps, even though i don't know you, i think you're a good person too + i also don't think you deserve to die

 

[gardenfairy]

I can really relate. It's a very confusing feeling, wanting to stay and simultaneously feeling like you need to go.

im sorry you feel like this too :( it really is horrible, when you can't make things different but your heart won't let go.

 

[UglyLife82]

im sorry you feel like this too :( it really is horrible, when you can't make things different but your heart won't let go.

CTB is a massive decision. Maybe the biggest any of us will make. It's best to be sure, and I guess we just aren't yet.

Wishing you the best

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

It's difficult
But imo you gotta be 100% sure.

 

[gardenfairy]

i know exactly how you feel; you're not alone in this at all. it seems like yours is one of those situations where you don't know if you want to go or not, to which i will tell you: don't. if you're not ready, don't. i know you don't want to live in pain anymore and i understand that feeling completely

if it helps, even though i don't know you, i think you're a good person too + i also don't think you deserve to die

i know :( i think the reason i can't bring myself to do it is bc i know that im not ready, i just wish i was if that makes sense? idk

also thank u for saying that, it means more than u know :( <3

 

[kazatte]

i know :( i think the reason i can't bring myself to do it is bc i know that im not ready, i just wish i was if that makes sense? idk

also thank u for saying that, it means more than u know :( <3

aww of course!! i'm glad :)

and yeah i totally get that. please do not force yourself to do anything you're not 100% ready to do, though

 

[pogostick]

I'm really sorry, I've been where you are before. That desperate want to give and give yourself a chance but feeling so constantly defeated. You want to keep holding on but nothing feels worth it.
I hope that you find something that makes you feel like your life is worth perusing. You're right about not deserving to die. Nobody deserves to die, you shouldn't feel like you've been pushed to make that decision or like you don't have a choice.

 

[NonEssential]

I'm too weak to live and too weak to die. It's a terrible feeling.

 

[Chems_Solution]

i hate that i feel like this but i don't want to die. in my heart i know i don't deserve to die and i feel sad for myself, i know i have so much to give and i think im a good person but it's so painful to be alive. every time i try i just stare at the rope and cry and i cant bring myself to do it even though i dont want to do this any more. i just dont want to live in this body with this mind but i dont want to die and so i dont know what to do.. i feel so trapped and all my brain will say is that i want to go home - even when im at my house. i dont even know where home is then. inside my head its like i just want my life to be different and i want to be a different person but its been almost 12 years of feeling like this and nothing has changed and i dont know if it ever can so why cant i just accept that my only option is to end it? it just leaves me in this horrible trapped middle ground of agony where i cant die but i cant live and i hate it. it physically hurts and i just dont know what to do.

You don't have to do it if you're not absolutely certain (⁰ ◕_◕ ⁰). If you truly still wanted to live, i wish the best happens to your life you're a good person, i knew it even though we're both a strangers. But in the meantime, if you're absolutely certain you want to CTB, you're so welcomed in this community. We support any of your decisions babe

 

[Seneca65AD]

I've actually put off my CTB dates to see how bad life can get - and it can get pretty bad. But I also found that there are times where things get better - even though few and far between. For me, there is always the "what if" question. Maybe today or tomorrow I have a good phone call or a nice interaction with another driver on the road. Or something positive materializes for me at work .... or at home. I found that writing down bad things that happened to me - and give me reasons to CTB - is actually therapeutic. I try so hard to make my life horrible that there are times I just have to laugh at myself for the effort in making my life terrible Eg. I close a deal at work, now I have to pay taxes - and that is horrible - my life sucks. I do not mean to be flippant but those are things that I write down and then look at and wonder to myself, did I really just say that making money sucks???......oh, I neglected to say that you can always CTB tomorrow or next week or next month. But if you are in any way ambivalent or emotional, my advice is to put it off. The decision to CTB is literally the biggest decision of your life.