Venting I broke my 3 month clean streak

[UninformedLover]

Title. I've been clean for about 3 months but the urge was just to overwhelming for me. I spent the last 3 days cutting myself and I am spiraling out of control.

I don't know what my problem is. I just enjoy it so much. I haven't been this bad since high school.

I used to tell myself "Oh I can stop whenever I want too. Its okay." And look how much of a lie that was. I'm so afraid I will cut too deep or something. The satisfaction is just not there anymore. I keep urging myself to go deeper and deeper and I actually did it. I already have nerve damage in my arms. To be honest...My arms aren't that appealing to look at. When I go outside I feel so self-conscious about my scars and I am only making it worse.

I remember when my mother saw my arms she said they looked disgusting. I was distraught and so ashamed of myself. It took a long time for me to be content with my scars but now...I don't know. It'll soon be spring and I don't want to wear long sleeves again. But I can not control myself. It's a feat I must endure I suppose. I fear soon my arms will unrecognizable. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

3 months is a long time for something like that. I'd assume that something happened to make you go back to it? I hope things turn around and you're able to stop cutting again soon.

With warmer weather coming maybe you can find some sort of outlet to distract you.

 

[Final Escape]

Title. I've been clean for about 3 months but the urge was just to overwhelming for me. I spent the last 3 days cutting myself and I am spiraling out of control.

I don't know what my problem is. I just enjoy it so much. I haven't been this bad since high school.

I used to tell myself "Oh I can stop whenever I want too. Its okay." And look how much of a lie that was. I'm so afraid I will cut too deep or something. The satisfaction is just not there anymore. I keep urging myself to go deeper and deeper and I actually did it. I already have nerve damage in my arms. To be honest...My arms aren't that appealing to look at. When I go outside I feel so self-conscious about my scars and I am only making it worse.

I remember when my mother saw my arms she said they looked disgusting. I was distraught and so ashamed of myself. It took a long time for me to be content with my scars but now...I don't know. It'll soon be spring and I don't want to wear long sleeves again. But I can not control myself. It's a feat I must endure I suppose. I fear soon my arms will unrecognizable. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't.

Probably need DBT. I'm thinking this is an issue for borderline right? I've had skin picking issues b4. The last time it was an issue I was on bigger dose of adderall so it was fueling it. But I remember picking at my eyebrows with tweezers when I was like 16 to the point it caused scabs and I would try to hide my compulsion with makeup. I was embarrassed, I was not drugged yet at this point, so it was just a thing related to my borderline. Also very bad nail biting was an issue for me especially in my younger years, now I just put fake nails on to discourage it easier.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I have no idea if this resonates or brings value....

I used to binge and purge. I sometimes had heart palpitations from it. I used to feel like shit about the cycle. I had a lot of self-condemnation about it.

One day about 12 or so years in, after I was divorced and was independent, living alone, I decided that when I binged, I would just accept it. I'd keep the food in my stomach. That seemed to release the guilt and the cycles mostly stopped. If I binged, I binged. Over time I had far less binges. And in retrospect, the binges were shorter because I didn't purge and re-fill.

On rarer and rarer occasions after my decision, I would give myself permission to purge. I accepted when I did. Sometimes I would go years between purges. The last time was about 15 years ago.

I don't have scars like cutting that would keep the old ways in my awareness, so that may have made it easier to let the cycles go. But I think there's something about the acceptance that took the cycles' power away. I read in the book Boundaries that it's hard to heal in a place of condemnation. That really resonates for me, and looking back, I can see that what slowed down and stopped the cycles was that I had stopped condemning myself for binging.

It seems like the cutting has a lot less power over you than before, and that it's not serving like it used to. Maybe that's progress.

 

[Conker]

@OP, want me to share what healthy coping habits have truly helped me? you've made progress though so don't you forget that. You gotta be more gentle with yourself.

 

[UninformedLover]

@OP, want me to share what healthy coping habits have truly helped me? you've made progress though so don't you forget that. You gotta be more gentle with yourself.

You're right and yes please share the coping methods that have helped you. Thank you :)