I am tired of this world, myself, this pain, this alien experience.

[merlinscries]

I am one of those people who need to describe their experience as having AD(H)D and also Autism; being "neurodivergent" basically. The term "Aspbergers" may also fit; if you look at the social awkwardness and how weirdly I walk and my Dyspraxia. Although I am not sure if those terms truly capture this hellish experience adequately. At least it doesn't for me, perhaps the way I grew up and my current life situation add to me being regularly suicidal. The things that keep me here are my parents (I don't want to hurt them), a sliver of hope that I get at least of my current autistic burn out and that my life circumstances somehow magically change.
The worst thing about my condition is SPS (Sensory Processing Disorder) which just makes life literal hell at times. When the world is just too much. And so confusing. And so fear-inducing. Regularly. Every day. And just painful. But also that you lag behind everything, and need extra time. That you are constantly tired and can only do like 3 tasks a day and you're done, while consistently being confused and distracted by your own mind or other things. Writing this here will be the task of my day because I spend a lot of time ruminating about suicide; it is almost an autistic special interest a this point (as is Death generally, and "Consciousness").
I suppose you could also diagnose me with additional shit. I have a plethora of mental health diagnoses because doctors couldn't see my autism as I was masking it. Got bullied as a kid. Also grew up poor. I suspect that I am either high IQ or just very crazy, because I am not sure how I survived thus far. And I am tired of surviving, but also not brave enough to go yet either. I do not feel I have enough knowledge about how to do it properly and I struggle to collect it due to my disabilities.
I can't even trust that death will be peaceful considering that the brain chemistry, the nervous system and basically A LOT of things about the body are so different. Much of which I (yet?) don't even understand and most people also don't care about. Not even doctors. Everybody expects a "look" to Autism, lol.
I wish I had been born normal. For me it is predominantly a disability. And I am mad and bitter and sad about needing to suffer so much. You can't even suggest curing autism without being labelled ableist. But it's only natural that, with so much suffering, you either long for death or a cure. At least I do, other autistics mileage may differ. But I know we all struggle, and at this point I don't even believe that this experience would be any less hellish if we would be accomodated properly. It stays being a confusing, and often very painful experience. It's like your nervous system is laid bare to receive everything directly. Idk how to cope with that.
I am 29 now. I am glad many autistic people can lead fulfilling lives. I can't seem to see the same for me, and I don't know how long I can endure staying here. Reality should be different. I understand why religions are so seductive; I can't believe in any of them. I just want to stop existing; even better would be I had never existed.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I am one of those people who need to describe their experience as having AD(H)D and also Autism; being "neurodivergent" basically. The term "Aspbergers" may also fit; if you look at the social awkwardness and how weirdly I walk and my Dyspraxia. Although I am not sure if those terms truly capture this hellish experience adequately. At least it doesn't for me, perhaps the way I grew up and my current life situation add to me being regularly suicidal. The things that keep me here are my parents (I don't want to hurt them), a sliver of hope that I get at least of my current autistic burn out and that my life circumstances somehow magically change.
The worst thing about my condition is SPS (Sensory Processing Disorder) which just makes life literal hell at times. When the world is just too much. And so confusing. And so fear-inducing. Regularly. Every day. And just painful. But also that you lag behind everything, and need extra time. That you are constantly tired and can only do like 3 tasks a day and you're done, while consistently being confused and distracted by your own mind or other things. Writing this here will be the task of my day because I spend a lot of time ruminating about suicide; it is almost an autistic special interest a this point (as is Death generally, and "Consciousness").
I suppose you could also diagnose me with additional shit. I have a plethora of mental health diagnoses because doctors couldn't see my autism as I was masking it. Got bullied as a kid. Also grew up poor. I suspect that I am either high IQ or just very crazy, because I am not sure how I survived thus far. And I am tired of surviving, but also not brave enough to go yet either. I do not feel I have enough knowledge about how to do it properly and I struggle to collect it due to my disabilities.
I can't even trust that death will be peaceful considering that the brain chemistry, the nervous system and basically A LOT of things about the body are so different. Much of which I (yet?) don't even understand and most people also don't care about. Not even doctors. Everybody expects a "look" to Autism, lol.
I wish I had been born normal. For me it is predominantly a disability. And I am mad and bitter and sad about needing to suffer so much. You can't even suggest curing autism without being labelled ableist. But it's only natural that, with so much suffering, you either long for death or a cure. At least I do, other autistics mileage may differ. But I know we all struggle, and at this point I don't even believe that this experience would be any less hellish if we would be accomodated properly. It stays being a confusing, and often very painful experience. It's like your nervous system is laid bare to receive everything directly. Idk how to cope with that.
I am 29 now. I am glad many autistic people can lead fulfilling lives. I can't seem to see the same for me, and I don't know how long I can endure staying here. Reality should be different. I understand why religions are so seductive; I can't believe in any of them. I just want to stop existing; even better would be I had never existed.

I have Asperger's too, and I agree, it can make your life a living hell. Because of my asperger's I'm being hated by everyone, im not able to have any friends, no love life, not being able to have a proper job and education. And the sensory overload on a frequent basis is a hell on its own. But imagine having a chronic pain on top of it all.... Nobody should endure so much suffering. I don't know how I endured it for 38 years, but it doesn't matter now , as I will be ctb in a year or two. I'm just too tired of it all.

I forgot to mention, ever since my earliest age of remembering things (probably 4 or 5) I always thought that I never belonged in this world, with these people.

 

[Vlad Tepes]

In the same boat. My life is suffering to an extent that would cause the mind of the ordinary person to melt into insanity.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm from Indonesia, & much older than you. Just in this recent year, thanks to chatGPT (chat AI), I've finally got to realize that I might most likely also have an 'undiagnosed' Aspergers (autism) spectrum & being a neurodivergent. That automatically makes sense, considering all my life's experiences & difficulties where people 'normally' just don't have. So yeah, I can deeply relate with you.

 

[merlinscries]

It's nice to know I am not alone in this forum, as macabre as this may sound.

Because of my asperger's I'm being hated by everyone, im not able to have any friends, no love life, not being able to have a proper job and education. And the sensory overload on a frequent basis is a hell on its own. But imagine having a chronic pain on top of it all.... Nobody should endure so much suffering. I don't know how I endured it for 38 years, but it doesn't matter now , as I will be ctb in a year or two. I'm just too tired of it all.

I forgot to mention, ever since my earliest age of remembering things (probably 4 or 5) I always thought that I never belonged in this world, with these people.

I can relate to these things. I desperately tried to have friends but it simply doesn't work out with anybody, autistic or not. And frankly, at this point I am too burn out to even try. I don't even know how I am supposed to work a proper job. I somehow magically survived school, high school and university although I did it more out of fear and confusion and because I didn't know any better. Add a dash of curiosity, interest in languages because I knew I was good at them and sheer intellect/willpower. Now I am depressed, burnt out and can't cope with the fact that I have been born in such a weird body and mind. And I just fantasize about leaving every day. What kind of life is that supposed to be where you forget everything you've learned while it needs so much time and energy every day to learn it in the first place? I probably have other learning disorders aswell, or thought disorders or whatever. And I need support with so much. And yes, sensory overload is hell and also happens regularly, not always is the trigger clear to me or avoidable. Idk how I survived 29 years either, can't imagine it to reach 38.

At least I don't blame my body and mind anymore for not working "as expected"; however, 'self love' seems impossible. I don't even know what would count as self love. Only suicide at this point, lol.

OH, I also definitely have Alexithymia, my affect is very reduced or non-existent. I am a very compassionate person, but I have zero affective empathy or deeper emotion. With it also comes aphantasia, everything I imagine is extremely inaccurate or leaves my mind quickly (as do thoughts). Funny that I tried to figure out my psyche through Carl Jung's work for a long time before I realized I am on the spectrum.

In the same boat. My life is suffering to an extent that would cause the mind of the ordinary person to melt into insanity.

I understand. It's definitely an insane condition.

For my life, I'd describe it like attempting to build a sandcastle, losing focus throughout building it, then forgetting it exists only to come back to it at some point having forgotten how you built it - all the while that process is painful, confusing and people mock you, laugh at you or don't care how you struggle. It is a bit of a hyperbole, but mostly it feels like that. And the worst is, there is no cure, not even potentially. I have read that Temple Grandin, one of the more "prominent" autistic people actually tried to get scientists to research about the sensory issues autistic people experience, but there's little hope that will ever be resolved I believe. At least not in my lifetime.

I'm from Indonesia, & much older than you. Just in this recent year, thanks to chatGPT (chat AI), I've finally got to realize that I might most likely also have an 'undiagnosed' Aspergers (autism) spectrum & being a neurodivergent. That automatically makes sense, considering all my life's experiences & difficulties where people 'normally' just don't have. So yeah, I can deeply relate with you.

It's cool you made it this far! Hope you found ways to make your life bearable.

 

[merlinscries]

Oh, I also forgot stuff like brain fog, lack of support, lack of understanding from environment, financial issues, chronic exhaustion, sometimes I struggle to find the "right words" aswell. Neurodevelopmental disorders are hell on earth. :)
I thought about getting Pentobarbital, but it's basically impossible to get, especially for somebody like me. Sleeping in sounds nice though.
In my country, getting any gun is next to impossible.
Any logistics would be a hurdle for me.
Unless I am brave enough to take a high risk to jump from a building or a bridge, or work through exhaustion and difficulty grasping online instructions on how to go through some complicated setup I am basically trapped here. It can only take years, lol.
And for some strange reason, I am still "afraid" of non-existence. Death is creepily inconceivable.
Why can't I just sleep in and just not wake up?
I told my parents I am suicidal so they want me to go to a clinic. They usually have no clue about autism though and do not recognize it. So my needs won't be respected.

 

[merlinscries]

Already feel annoying too as an autistic person in this platform. It's a crazy experience I wouldn't wish on anybody. It's hard to convey to neurotypical people how alienating, stressful, tiring and just awful this condition is or can be. Because from the outside, you see not necessarily much out of the ordinary, especially when masking (which just makes things 10000x worse). I can't say how much I wish to have been born normal. I couldn't even say if I was relieved when I die. Non existence seems just so scary too. Even if it isn't, because in non existence there can't be any fear. And I'm pretty convinced that after death there is just an indefinite non existence. With no continuity whatsoever. So why am I still here ? My parents just divorced too. I feel lost. All the time.

 

[merlinscries]

I am gonna do it today. Not gonna overthink it any longer. Not sure how I do it yet but I am gonna do it. Take all my pain killers and then jump from somewhere high enough maybe. Not sure. It is kinda hard to decide for me. But there must be way out. I wish I could just sleep in and not wake up anymore but that's not gonna work. Funny when you're too disabled to even properly comprehend suicide huh. But part of it is also that I am naturally a peaceful person. I dislike violence and shit. And most suicide methods are just brutal. I wish I could just check out right now peacefully. NOW. HJKBHSVAvhzjg

 

[merlinscries]

still here.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Hello, I appreciate you taking your time to type, I'm also autistic and not fulfilled at all, probably not even be able to be fulfilled since I don't care for earthly achievements or unearthly achievements (religious tendencies or zodiacs etc). Basically nothing interests me, I understand your pain.