Discussion I am myself yet nothing at all

[loadedsubside]

Hey! This is my first time posting on here so here goes. Please be patient and ask away.

I have always been alone. Through childhood till now I have never had any friends. Though I have made friends before, I always ended up losing them. It always ended because of me. This is a prominent topic in my life. I have always ended up ruining everything I do in my life. For example, the sport I play: I used to be good but now I compete as well as someone who just started out playing the sport. I've been considered really good yet there is always this "thing" that isn't letting me. Even at school, I used to be an all A student but now I'm doing so bad that I'm not passing in almost all of my classes. Similarly in the sport I play, I experience the "thing" at school and coincidentally everything I do. Even in relationships, I can't hold them and always ruin them. Everytime I think I can finally be able make them happy and be happy, I end up fucking things. Same thing with my family, all my siblings despise me and my parents constantly get reminded how awful I am and how much of a burden I am. I fail in everything. This "thing" has always been there throughout my life, I've noticed it always everywhere. Even menial things like doing well on a specific test. This "thing" is stopping me from doing anything well. And it's only getting worse nowadays. I've started therapy and it's not doing anything other than waste my time, money, and energy. What's even worse is that I can't discuss my true feelings. I can't talk about being suicidal without getting shutdown and being threatened to be placed in a mental institution. I told the therapist once and the second I did, she told my mom and instructed her to search my room and take down my door. I want to end my life but I simply cannot because of the effects on others. Especially my parents. My parents constantly feel stuck with me and I only make things worse. I make them cry a lot, even my dad who never cried other than the death of his father. They can't sleep at night and I'm the sole reason why they feel this way. I ruin everything for myself and for everyone who's there for me. I feel stuck, I've tried to change but haven't been able to for years. Nothing is getting better but only worse. I haven't attempted bc I'm scared of failure. I don't want to be placed in a mental institution, I don't want to be stripped of my freedom at home and everywhere else. I don't want to ruin my life if my attempt isn't sufficient. I need to make a calculated effort before attempting. As I live with my parents, I cannot acquire SN and the antiemetics and I feel like it is too risky anyways. I was thinking about partial hanging. I still consider SN as an option but partial hanging is my preferred method so far. I want to CTB painlessly, quickly, and peacefully. I don't want my body to be disturbed until after I CTB. Obviously I want to succeed without little to any chance of it not working. any tips or advice, maybe a better idea to CTB or someone to share their experience/thoughts? Anything would be appreciated. Thank you for your time.

TL;DR need advice and suggestions on how to CTB, nothing is working and all I do is end up ruining everything.

 

[FuneralCry]

For suicide method information there is a suicide resource compilation at the top of the suicide discussion, but it's very unfortunate how it's this difficult to die in this anti suicide society, if it was straightforward to pass away reliably, quickly and peacefully I would be long gone by this point. But I certainly hate how we exist in a world where we cannot just pass away in peace and where suicidal people get punished for wanting to leave this world, psych wards really do sound like horrific places to me. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[SilentSadness]

That is terrible that you've been made to feel like a problem, anyone who does that is cruel in my opinion. Your experience with your therapist doesn't surprise me as they really are only looking to make money at the expense of everyone else, rather ironically. Sadly, I can't give advice on how to ctb as I don't have any methods either, I guess we are stuck in this world for now. Hanging is extremely difficult from my experience and it certainly requires bravery and luck to perform. I also of course can't talk about my true feelings due to the risk of abuse in a psych ward or the average cruelty done by others, in that way we are all alone. I hope you find a way to be at peace with yourself.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm afraid I can't really advise on methods- I'm not knowledgable enough myself on them. Like others have advised- there is a wealth of information here on methods. I'm afraid it is a case of reading through them, using the search function- when it becomes available to you- with more posts and working out how you feel.

What I will just throw out there though is an observation someone else made once at uni. When we are at school- there can be subjects we do particularly well in- compared to others. Naturally- we will likely specialise in these areas when it comes to college and university. I think what CAN happen at that level is- you can go from being the top- or- near the top if the class at school to being very average- or- even near the bottom- because now you are studying alongside other people who were also top of their class- who maybe utterly excelled in the subject. That can be hard to cope with. It doesn't mean you're useless though. You wouldn't have got on the course if they didn't think you could do it. Is it perhaps that you set unattainable standards for yourself? It can be good to push ourselves but not if it gets to the point where we have no hope of succeeding.

Do you suppose it's crushing self doubt that is causing you to have so many problems? You seem to be laying ALL of the blame on you- ALL of the time when maybe it isn't ALWAYS ALL your fault. Maybe it's no ones fault. In relationships- I'm sure things are complicated. It can't just be about you moulding yourself to fulfill the other person's every need. I'm sure all sorts of things can cause relationships to falter.

I do know what you mean about feeling that your family are disappointed in you. I expect we've all felt that at some point. I'm sorry- they really ought to be boosting your confidence rather than making you feel worse.

I really hope you can get somewhere with your college therapist and that things start to improve for you. I wish you all the very best.

 

[loadedsubside]

I'm afraid I can't really advise on methods- I'm not knowledgable enough myself on them. Like others have advised- there is a wealth of information here on methods. I'm afraid it is a case of reading through them, using the search function- when it becomes available to you- with more posts and working out how you feel.

What I will just throw out there though is an observation someone else made once at uni. When we are at school- there can be subjects we do particularly well in- compared to others. Naturally- we will likely specialise in these areas when it comes to college and university. I think what CAN happen at that level is- you can go from being the top- or- near the top if the class at school to being very average- or- even near the bottom- because now you are studying alongside other people who were also top of their class- who maybe utterly excelled in the subject. That can be hard to cope with. It doesn't mean you're useless though. You wouldn't have got on the course if they didn't think you could do it. Is it perhaps that you set unattainable standards for yourself? It can be good to push ourselves but not if it gets to the point where we have no hope of succeeding.

Do you suppose it's crushing self doubt that is causing you to have so many problems? You seem to be laying ALL of the blame on you- ALL of the time when maybe it isn't ALWAYS ALL your fault. Maybe it's no ones fault. In relationships- I'm sure things are complicated. It can't just be about you moulding yourself to fulfill the other person's every need. I'm sure all sorts of things can cause relationships to falter.

I do know what you mean about feeling that your family are disappointed in you. I expect we've all felt that at some point. I'm sorry- they really ought to be boosting your confidence rather than making you feel worse.

I really hope you can get somewhere with your college therapist and that things start to improve for you. I wish you all the very best.

Thank you for all the kind words and encouragement. But everything that was caused is linked to me. I was the one who brought those things upon myself, and I'm the one who's unable to get myself out of there. I need to be strong enough to change myself around but alas I cannot. This has been like that throughout my life. One instance that I remember vividly was in 5th or 6th grade, my mom pestered the entire previous year and especially during summer break that if I won't make it into the advance course of math, that my life would therefor be ruined. That idea has been stuck in my head, and the very first test of 5th or 6th grade, I had a mental breakdown and was slamming my head against the desk. It's this mental blockage that has been everywhere with me. At the sport I play, this blockage also caused me to mentally breakdown. Especially when I was much younger, I wasn't able to control it and was seen being in hysterics. Obviously as I grew older, I was able to somewhat mask that mental meltdown but it's still bothering me daily.

For suicide method information there is a suicide resource compilation at the top of the suicide discussion, but it's very unfortunate how it's this difficult to die in this anti suicide society, if it was straightforward to pass away reliably, quickly and peacefully I would be long gone by this point. But I certainly hate how we exist in a world where we cannot just pass away in peace and where suicidal people get punished for wanting to leave this world, psych wards really do sound like horrific places to me. But anyway I wish you the best.

Yea I don't like therapists for that exact reason. I cannot talk about what I'm truly feeling bc of the feet of getting shutdown. I do not want to be locked up in a mental institution and I do not want to take medications. What I want is to simply work things out by myself. But alas, I'm not strong enough to.

That is terrible that you've been made to feel like a problem, anyone who does that is cruel in my opinion. Your experience with your therapist doesn't surprise me as they really are only looking to make money at the expense of everyone else, rather ironically. Sadly, I can't give advice on how to ctb as I don't have any methods either, I guess we are stuck in this world for now. Hanging is extremely difficult from my experience and it certainly requires bravery and luck to perform. I also of course can't talk about my true feelings due to the risk of abuse in a psych ward or the average cruelty done by others, in that way we are all alone. I hope you find a way to be at peace with yourself.

Thank you! I hope everything works out well with you. I hate talking about my feelings to others such as my friends and family. There's always this stigma around suicide. And especially others feel obligated to help or do something about it. I've lost countless friends for that exact reason. Instead of them sticking themselves in my business, I just wish they would just accept me and continue being the same. Sadly, that rarely ever happens. Although I found a person who saw me as a normal person, but sadly I wasn't able to keep them close and eventually we broke off.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you for all the kind words and encouragement. But everything that was caused is linked to me. I was the one who brought those things upon myself, and I'm the one who's unable to get myself out of there. I need to be strong enough to change myself around but alas I cannot. This has been like that throughout my life. One instance that I remember vividly was in 5th or 6th grade, my mom pestered the entire previous year and especially during summer break that if I won't make it into the advance course of math, that my life would therefor be ruined. That idea has been stuck in my head, and the very first test of 5th or 6th grade, I had a mental breakdown and was slamming my head against the desk. It's this mental blockage that has been everywhere with me. At the sport I play, this blockage also caused me to mentally breakdown. Especially when I was much younger, I wasn't able to control it and was seen being in hysterics. Obviously as I grew older, I was able to somewhat mask that mental meltdown but it's still bothering me daily.

Yea I don't like therapists for that exact reason. I cannot talk about what I'm truly feeling bc of the feet of getting shutdown. I do not want to be locked up in a mental institution and I do not want to take medications. What I want is to simply work things out by myself. But alas, I'm not strong enough to.

Thank you! I hope everything works out well with you. I hate talking about my feelings to others such as my friends and family. There's always this stigma around suicide. And especially others feel obligated to help or do something about it. I've lost countless friends for that exact reason. Instead of them sticking themselves in my business, I just wish they would just accept me and continue being the same. Sadly, that rarely ever happens. Although I found a person who saw me as a normal person, but sadly I wasn't able to keep them close and eventually we broke off.

To be honest- I would put the majority of blame on your Mum for the maths thing- sorry- I know she's your Mum and I fully expect she was actually trying to help you by pushing you so hard... Still- I think telling anyone that their life will be ruined if they fail one aspect of life- puts WAY too much pressure on them. It seems pretty inevitable you couldn't cope with it and snapped.

Plus- plenty of people who have huge success in life failed all together at school. Albert Einstein's tutor said: 'It doesn't matter what he does, he will never amount to anything.' Sorry- but we can't just live and succeed for our parents too.

It sounds to me- from an outsiders perspective that you have heaps of potential but maybe that's where the problem lies- you yourself and your family are frustrated because you're not living up to it. I don't know enough about it but I think either you- or your family berating you for that won't help though. I think you need encouragement and to try and take this enormous pressure off you.

I just wish I knew how you could do that- you seem determined to hang on to all this pressure- which I do understand- it's bound to feel important to you. It may not exactly help to shift the blame to your parents. I don't think it helps to start hating them instead. Still- I think it would be good to question whether that kind of upbringing is contributing to where you are. I REALLY hope your college therapist is good. I saw a therapist at uni and while it was uncomfortable- she was very insightful. I hope they can help you and I wish you all the very best.