Venting I am my own worst enemy.

[UnluckyBastard]

My depression, anger, anxiety, confusion, low intelligence, and a toxic combination of lifelong internal struggles/abuse has made it difficult to make friends. I hate myself so much because of my issues. I try to explain it to the friends I have, but sometimes they don't understand, despite having similar issues. A few months ago, I hosted a d and d game, and I blew up at one of my closest friends in front of his gf and others because of some confusion regarding rules in 5e. Now this alone wouldn't be much of an issue... If 5 other people weren't talking at the same time whole trying to explain it. This happened in March. It's now July. I'm still trying to apologize. I really think I lost him. He's been good to me and my family, and I was good to his. And now because of this, he's gone. Zero contact. I've lost friends before and it did hurt, but this one stung and still stings. I hate myself. I really hope the gun method is as painless and quick as it is theorized. I can't handle myself anymore. I feel like I'm collapsing mentally and emotionally. Thanks for reading everyone. I hate my pathetic life.

 

[fallingtopieces]

I have been there and back and there again. Depression and anxiety can really skew our perspectives, and we end up acting impulsively sometimes. But you seem to have really tried to make amends and apologized to your friend. If they are really a good friend, then maybe with some time and space they might understand. If not, I don't think that's your fault and maybe they're not that great a friend?? There has to be some room for mistakes, we're only human.

 

[UnluckyBastard]

I have been there and back and there again. Depression and anxiety can really skew our perspectives, and we end up acting impulsively sometimes. But you seem to have really tried to make amends and apologized to your friend. If they are really a good friend, then maybe with some time and space they might understand. If not, I don't think that's your fault and maybe they're not that great a friend?? There has to be some room for mistakes, we're only human.

He was good to me and my family. A very close friend. And I ruined it. I still hate myself. It isn't the first time it's happened, but this one stung because he was like a brother to me. You're right, I did everything I could. I even apologized to the other people at the table. He's the only one so upset that he hasn't messaged me back. It makes me feel even worse. I feel like I've just poured gasoline on the wildfire that is my pathetic existence.

 

[fallingtopieces]

He was good to me and my family. A very close friend. And I ruined it. I still hate myself. It isn't the first time it's happened, but this one stung because he was like a brother to me. You're right, I did everything I could. I even apologized to the other people at the table. He's the only one so upset that he hasn't messaged me back. It makes me feel even worse. I feel like I've just poured gasoline on the wildfire that is my pathetic existence.

You apologized to everyone involved. It's annoying because the person you want a response from hasn't messaged you back at all, which is not cool even if u messed up. Ghosting someone you barely know is one thing, but to someone you've known for a long time isn't very healthy or mature. And this has you playing back the incident, getting stuck there which doesn't help you at all. I hope you give yourself some time and your friend some space with a simple last message saying ur sorry and u understand why he's mad and will give him space, but that it also hurts. Then find some way to get out of this mental loop and focus on other things, as difficulty as that might seem.

 

[helpmecatchthebus]

You're probably suffering from BPD

 

[UnluckyBastard]

You're probably suffering from BPD

Like actually diagnosed BPD? Because that would make so much more sense. Unfortunately I have never been diagnosed.