Venting I am genuinely defective.

[Bowerbird]

TW: r word (using to describe myself) (just a heads up)

Even compared to other autistic/queer people, there's stuff many of them can still do, that I can't... many autistic/trans people can get jobs, raise kids, file taxes, talk properly, interrogate into society, pass really well, study, while I can't even remember to eat breakfast every day. I am genuinely just a defective individual. I'm an adult who lives on my own now, has to pay rent, buy my own groceries... yet apparently I'm also apparently not mentally competent enough to give legal consent to a procedure I've been needing for as long as i can remember, and I might need to get my parents permission... This is a fucking joke.

I struggle to communicate. I have never been able to talk properly. The more I try to explain my problems, the worse I seem to look, the more incompetent I seem. And yet, my brain is so nervous and paranoid and overactive all the time, so many ideas and chaotic thoughts flying around, compressed into a small space, creating a LOT of pressure but unable to escape or get out properly. It is painful to even exist... and yet I can never seem to put it into words or get it out properly. I try to speak, which is difficult for me, my voice is all slurry, monotonous and soft spoken, and I can't even form proper sentences half the time. I don't show much expression on my face, my body language is stiff and robotic. Everyone treats me like a literal toddler, maybe there's a reason why nobody sees me as an adult. I am 5'2, baby faced, physically skinny and weak. The T doesn't seem to work and regardless I WILL NEVER be tall or strong or pass well as a real man, people will always be able to tell. I will always be a mentally retarded frail little girl who is confused and a waste of space, and is confused and doesn't understand anything and is too stupid to make my own decisions about my own body and my own life, but is also expected to be independent and look after myself.

There's so many people in this world who can do anything I can, but better. I am an obsolete waste of space, like a shitty old rotary phone, in a world full of IPhones. There's people out there who actually contribute to society who could use the resources I consume. I am a burden on society...

I feel like giving up, June 2025 has been a dogshit month for me, so much shit hitting the fan, it feels like it's the end of the world, like I should just give up the fight... but I have about another month i need to hold on for. I have to stay just a bit longer so I can see my soulmate one last time, and then I can ctb. you're coming back and it's the end of the world, we're starting over and i love you darling and i am done, dear

 

[darksouls]

I am very sorry you have to go through all this
wish you the best
hope you find relief from suffering

 

[Alexandra0]

I understand you. I also hate my body, my gender. I'm so sorry. Hugs

 

[thereisnoneed]

TW: r word (using to describe myself) (just a heads up)

Even compared to other autistic/queer people, there's stuff many of them can still do, that I can't... many autistic/trans people can get jobs, raise kids, file taxes, talk properly, interrogate into society, pass really well, study, while I can't even remember to eat breakfast every day. I am genuinely just a defective individual. I'm an adult who lives on my own now, has to pay rent, buy my own groceries... yet apparently I'm also apparently not mentally competent enough to give legal consent to a procedure I've been needing for as long as i can remember, and I might need to get my parents permission... This is a fucking joke.

I struggle to communicate. I have never been able to talk properly. The more I try to explain my problems, the worse I seem to look, the more incompetent I seem. And yet, my brain is so nervous and paranoid and overactive all the time, so many ideas and chaotic thoughts flying around, compressed into a small space, creating a LOT of pressure but unable to escape or get out properly. It is painful to even exist... and yet I can never seem to put it into words or get it out properly. I try to speak, which is difficult for me, my voice is all slurry, monotonous and soft spoken, and I can't even form proper sentences half the time. I don't show much expression on my face, my body language is stiff and robotic. Everyone treats me like a literal toddler, maybe there's a reason why nobody sees me as an adult. I am 5'2, baby faced, physically skinny and weak. The T doesn't seem to work and regardless I WILL NEVER be tall or strong or pass well as a real man, people will always be able to tell. I will always be a mentally retarded frail little girl who is confused and a waste of space, and is confused and doesn't understand anything and is too stupid to make my own decisions about my own body and my own life, but is also expected to be independent and look after myself.

There's so many people in this world who can do anything I can, but better. I am an obsolete waste of space, like a shitty old rotary phone, in a world full of IPhones. There's people out there who actually contribute to society who could use the resources I consume. I am a burden on society...

I feel like giving up, June 2025 has been a dogshit month for me, so much shit hitting the fan, it feels like it's the end of the world, like I should just give up the fight... but I have about another month i need to hold on for. I have to stay just a bit longer so I can see my soulmate one last time, and then I can ctb. you're coming back and it's the end of the world, we're starting over and i love you darling and i am done, dear

I know how you feel especially in regards to terrible communication skills and everyone treating you like a retarded subhuman, it's a humiliating existence, i made a thread that's a bit like yours:

am 24Y.O but i am like a 5Y.O mentally

Basically i can't take care of my self or deal with the outside world or people in general, i am too clumsy, i suck at many everyday things that are meant to be second hand nature to me, i am treated like a mentally handicapped person by my family and everyone i know I.R.L, for starters i can't...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[thelastmessiah]

In large part I'm the same because I'm also an autistic NEET. All of my social experiences out in the real world have taught me that I'm an obsolete waste of space. I guess it's for the better that I'm done with school and in turn the only source of those trash experiences is gone. And now all that's left for me to experience as a reward for enduring an upbringing of near total rejection is a litany of absurd nothingness delivered from a screen to consume miserably in a isolated cell. All of which is to be endured for a tortuously long time before I return to the complete eternal nothingness by my own hand or not.