Help I am full of guilt. I am in love.

[Chickennoodlesoup]

Hello folks,

So, I want to preface this post by saying u hope I didn't put this in the wrong spot and that I am young and have never been in love before. I don't delude myself by thinking I know what love is or how to handle such a thing. But I do know I am drowning in guilt and I don't remember how to float, because, to be frank, I never even learned how to swim.

I have been apathetic for so long, so goddamningly long. I was so unreversebly convinced I am not capable of feeling anything besides very short, shallow and fake sheets of emotion to satisfy an outward appearance of being alive. It got so bad I could not bring myself to care about anything, not even my mom having cancer. You guys don't even have to tell me, I am a horrible, self-absorbed, entitled piece of garbage. Trust me, I am painfully aware. Here is the thing, though.
I think I have fallen in love. I am wrecked by this. How could I care about the first boy that gives me any attention and not the fact that my mom is literally dying. I am in shambles under the pressure of this guilt that I'm feeling. How dare I feel better when I am around him. It feels like involuntarily getting a bit better. I want it to stop immediately. Has this happened to anyone before? Does anyone have some advice? I am at a loss and am devastated.

 

[Enlighten]

Hello folks,

So, I want to preface this post by saying u hope I didn't put this in the wrong spot and that I am young and have never been in love before. I don't delude myself by thinking I know what love is or how to handle such a thing. But I do know I am drowning in guilt and I don't remember how to float, because, to be frank, I never even learned how to swim.

I have been apathetic for so long, so goddamningly long. I was so unreversebly convinced I am not capable of feeling anything besides very short, shallow and fake sheets of emotion to satisfy an outward appearance of being alive. It got so bad I could not bring myself to care about anything, not even my mom having cancer. You guys don't even have to tell me, I am a horrible, self-absorbed, entitled piece of garbage. Trust me, I am painfully aware. Here is the thing, though.
I think I have fallen in love. I am wrecked by this. How could I care about the first boy that gives me any attention and not the fact that my mom is literally dying. I am in shambles under the pressure of this guilt that I'm feeling. How dare I feel better when I am around him. It feels like involuntarily getting a bit better. I want it to stop immediately. Has this happened to anyone before? Does anyone have some advice? I am at a loss and am devastated.

I'm sorry your mom has cancer, but this does not mean that you do not deserve to have joy.
I'm glad you have a pointer of light in your life.