Help I am confused as to what’s wrong with me

[boulderpunch]

The title pretty much says it all. For context, I experience chronic suicidal ideation for the last decade many times a day with varying levels of intensity. Call it a blessing, it's a curse for me, but my mother won't leave me the fuck alone and I am always doing something. I've been preparing secretly then and have a loose date of next Tuesday. I have secured a motorcycle helmet and know where my stepdad keeps the handgun. But for the life of me I can't figure out why I'm like this. Am I depressed? For sure. But like even when everything is going great I have the call from the void. Hell, I was in a mosh pit last weekend losing my mind and still wanted to blow my brains out. I just needed to say this and get some chat about this.

 

[flightless bird]

perhaps an internal dissonance or an unresolved need that isn't obvious on the surface. suicidal ideation almost always stems from some kind of lack.

identifying what that absence is might open up different options for how to address it. at the very least, it can shift the framework you're operating within.

hope you can figure it out.

 

[boulderpunch]

perhaps an internal dissonance or an unresolved need that isn't obvious on the surface. suicidal ideation almost always stems from some kind of lack.

identifying what that absence is might open up different options for how to address it. at the very least, it can shift the framework you're operating within.

hope you can figure it out.

Thank you. I have an appointment on Monday with my psychiatrist. Was thinking of not lying to her this time, and if things go south, well there's always the next day.

 

[Nauyaca]

I always say this, If you are going to do it, do it for the right reason, I don't know if being confused qualifies as the right reason, unless there is something else, I don't know your circumstances, and I probably never will, even if I knew you, the demons we have to face are very difficult to fight because we have to face them alone, the only thing people around us can do is some degree of support, but the actual fight is always personal.

A punk rocker named Wendy O. Williams said this before taking her life:

"I don't believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time. I do believe strongly, however, that the right to do so is one of the most fundamental rights that anyone in a free society should have. For me, much of the world makes no sense, but my feelings about what I am doing ring loud and clear to an inner ear and a place where there is no self, only calm."

I think that is good advice, don't make it a confused, irrational act, give it deep thoughtful reflection, and whatever your decision is, make it a decision from a calm dignified place, that is easier said than done for most of us taking into account the pain we are going through, but I believe it is the only way to make it an act of freedom and not desperation.

I wish you all the luck, take care and find peace.

 

[boulderpunch]

I always say this, If you are going to do it, do it for the right reason, I don't know if being confused qualifies as the right reason, unless there is something else, I don't know your circumstances, and I probably never will, even if I knew you, the demons we have to face are very difficult to fight because we have to face them alone, the only thing people around us can do is some degree of support, but the actual fight is always personal.

A punk rocker named Wendy O. Williams said this before taking her life:

"I don't believe that people should take their own lives without deep and thoughtful reflection over a considerable period of time. I do believe strongly, however, that the right to do so is one of the most fundamental rights that anyone in a free society should have. For me, much of the world makes no sense, but my feelings about what I am doing ring loud and clear to an inner ear and a place where there is no self, only calm."

I think that is good advice, don't make it a confused, irrational act, give it deep thoughtful reflection, and whatever your decision is, make it a decision from a calm dignified place, that is easier said than done for most of us taking into account the pain we are going through, but I believe it is the only way to make it an act of freedom and not desperation.

I wish you all the luck, take care and find peace.

Thank you for your words. I think that quote is really good. Unfortunately, after a couple attempts and over a decade of dealing with it I feel that I have contemplated it for long enough. There is a good amount that is going on in the background for sure, but considering I never thought I'd make it to 30, I think this is a win for me. Regardless, I am not unreasonable and will continue to ponder and hear yall out. Thank you for being here and not being judgmental.