• UK users: Due to a formal investigation into this site by Ofcom under the UK Online Safety Act 2023, we strongly recommend using a trusted, no-logs VPN. This will help protect your privacy, bypass censorship, and maintain secure access to the site. Read the full VPN guide here.

  • Hey Guest,

    Today, OFCOM launched an official investigation into Sanctioned Suicide under the UK’s Online Safety Act. This has already made headlines across the UK.

    This is a clear and unprecedented overreach by a foreign regulator against a U.S.-based platform. We reject this interference and will be defending the site’s existence and mission.

    In addition to our public response, we are currently seeking legal representation to ensure the best possible defense in this matter. If you are a lawyer or know of one who may be able to assist, please contact us at [email protected].

    Read our statement here:

    Donate via cryptocurrency:

    Bitcoin (BTC): 34HyDHTvEhXfPfb716EeEkEHXzqhwtow1L
    Ethereum (ETH): 0xd799aF8E2e5cEd14cdb344e6D6A9f18011B79BE9
    Monero (XMR): 49tuJbzxwVPUhhDjzz6H222Kh8baKe6rDEsXgE617DVSDD8UKNaXvKNU8dEVRTAFH9Av8gKkn4jDzVGF25snJgNfUfKKNC8
wiIIow

wiIIow

Arcanist
Sep 22, 2018
458
I'm not sure whether to classify this as a vent or an ask for help, I think it would be a bit of both. It's something I need to get off my chest, and I'd also like suggestions or words of comfort as this is really fucking me up and I'm not too sure what to do.

So my father and I used to have a very close relationship. My mother was very controlling and abusive, and so the little bits of time I got to spend with him were cherished escapes, and those segments of time are the parts of my life I go to when I think of my childhood - despite the fact that the majority of my childhood life was quite traumatic.

My dad used to be kind, compassionate, loving, and everything I needed in a parent. He tried his best to give me a comfortable place to escape to, and I idolized him as a kid. I always used to think, "well I got a shitty mom, but at least I have one good parent."

Well, recently I've had to come to terms with the fact that I've been in hardcore denial about the person my father has become. He's turned into an angry, manipulative, passive-aggressive asshole, and I've let him walk all over me out of fear, a desire to make him proud, and from clinging onto this past version of him that I basically tried to wish into existence.

I know he has some serious trauma and mental issues, but he's too proud and ridden with the rugged-individualism mindset to admit it or seek help. And god help you if you try to even hint that he may not be 100% perfect or right. He doesn't really show any love towards me anymore, and he only "checks in" on me when it's a precursor to guilt-tripping me into doing something for him (instead of just asking? It blows my mind that literally everything has to be a guilt-trip-laden production). He is very dismissive towards me. He's very hateful and openly racist/sexist. He's allegedly become physically and verbally abusive to his wife. He's not at all the person who raised me.

After fully coming to terms with this, I now feel like I'm mourning the loss of the one good parent I thought I had. I've started completely obsessing over memories of my childhood with him - to the point of even trying to fully immerse myself via music/video game soundtracks, seeking certain smells, driving to the town he used to live in and revisiting our old spots... I know this is very destructive and poison to my wellbeing but I can't fucking stop. It's like part of me thinks that if I dwell on it enough, I can actually physically go back. It's extremely addictive and I just want to be able to stop doing this, but it's difficult when I find no pleasure or redeeming qualities in my current state of existence where I'm simultaneously numb and suffering. It's just fucked up

Idk, that's it I guess. This is something that's dominating my life and I don't know what to do

Even if you don't reply, I appreciate you reading this far. Thank you
 
  • Hugs
  • Aww..
  • Love
Reactions: Mia Wallace, No_more, Circles and 7 others
EraseRewind

EraseRewind

Circling the drain
May 13, 2020
225
I wish I could put the past behind me but however much I try my mind brings it back.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: No_more, Fedrea and wiIIow
socrates

socrates

I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance.
Dec 3, 2019
303
That really stinks. I can't understand how people can just switch like that. I hope he can be humbled and seek help, but you shouldn't dwell on that. The best I advice I can give is to practice mindfulness and try to work on your life now. Best of luck to you!
 
  • Like
Reactions: EraseRewind and wiIIow
Pineapplecrown

Pineapplecrown

Pine
Oct 21, 2018
97
Grief counseling may help
 
  • Like
Reactions: EraseRewind
Deleted member 17949

Deleted member 17949

Visionary
May 9, 2020
2,238
I don't have a great answer. Trying to move on from past feelings and accept the present is hard. The best advice I can give is to just give it time. Counselling and talking to others will also help.
 
  • Like
Reactions: wiIIow and EraseRewind

Similar threads

wantingdignity
Replies
3
Views
186
Suicide Discussion
bankai
bankai
BlueButterfly111
Replies
1
Views
221
Suicide Discussion
Like_the_Angel
Like_the_Angel
BlueButterfly111
Replies
0
Views
201
Suicide Discussion
BlueButterfly111
BlueButterfly111
alivebutnotliving
Replies
5
Views
268
Suicide Discussion
Griever
Griever