How to get over abuse?

[NancyVicious]

Is there anyone here who has had abusive parents or partners managed to overcome that fear you get when you do something wrong?

I'm no longer in an abusive situation now but I just can't stop feeling the fear every time I do something insignificant wrong. It's not even the fear of being hit, it's being scared that someone I care about is angry or disappointed in me. Reminds me that I'm useless.

I don't even mean doing big stuff wrong. Think, I've forgotten to pack the right colour football socks. Someone doesn't like the meal I've made. If I buy a present and they say it's not what they wanted. It makes me feel sick with nerves. I know I'm not going to be punched now. But just the silence or a couple of harsh words take me right back to when I used to live in fear. Sometimes to the point I'm physically sick.

Has anyone managed to be stronger and not so scared?

 

[Larysa]

This sounds like cPTSD. Your reaction is a learnt instinctive response in your body. I don't think it's a matter of being 'stronger', but of calming your nervous system.

Would you have access to therapies such as EMDR? I've found reading good self help books helps with understanding your reactions, would you be open to that?

 

[timf]

The fear reflex becomes triggered because we have been programmed by a parent or authority figure to punish ourselves for a "failure". One can use the reflex to trigger a process of evaluation rather than an automatic fear response. For example, when having done something wrong, interrupt the fear response with an analysis response where you become the judge of the action. This application of "manual control" over an embedded automatic response can begin to free one from these harmful developmental legacies.