Venting How to avoid loneliness while having passive suicidal thoughts

[frozenpack25]

I am suffering from depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. Ever since my junior year of high school, I have felt empty. People dismiss how I feel by just saying, "Everything is going to be alright," even though other people tell me, "Life is going to get worse." I don't know how I should feel. There are so many good things going on in my life, but there are even more bad things going on.

Trying to find friends has been a soul crushing experience. Most of my friends from high school are either going through hell, are hard to get a hold of, or just disappeared. The ones that still come around only do once in a blue moon. Usually it feels meaningful when you finally get to hang out with your friends after being separated for a while. For me, it kills me. Every time we hang out, I feel like an outsider, and it is not just me. I realized that I never had a close friend that I could depend on, or been the center piece to a group. No one reaches out for me whenever they want to hang out. I was the one that had to reach out for them. Even now, I am still in friend groups that would be perfectly fine without me. I believe that people are not interested in me. Every form of socialization has ended this way: I am ghosted, left behind, avoided, or I have to beg for attention. I honestly don't know what to do. I have already tried expressing my feelings and things have stayed the same...

 

[NutOrat]

People dismiss how I feel by just saying, "Everything is going to be alright," even though other people tell me, "Life is going to get worse." I don't know how I should feel.

This is so very familiar to me. I remember on my first year of college I stayed over at my brother's place. We talked that night before sleep, about dreams, about motivations, I think it was the first time I opened up to him about my depressive feelings, which I didn't know was real depression at the time. I will never forget, he told me "Maybe it's just a phase in your life. I had that, and it just went away for me. It will hopefully end for you too, you just have to wait through it." And at the time, I was so relieved, you know? So I just have to endure it for however long it takes, and it will go away on its own? Ok, I can at least do that.

It didn't go away. It kept getting worse, and worse, and worse. Back then I thought about death, but in a much less obsessive way, and only in times of great distress. Now it's almost constant. And you know what's funny? It didn't go away for him either, what a surprise! He hides it way better than me, and is much more high-functioning (it's not hard to be more functioning than non-functioning), but I see when he cracks. When he lashes on me for being useless and a leech, and then regrets saying it, but never stops. He hasn't gotten over anything, just like me. Sorry for the ramble about me and my problems.

Even now, I am still in friend groups that would be perfectly fine without me.

Anyway, I'll keep talking about me and my problems. Friend groups are something I never was able to get into as well, mostly because I hate when a lot of people talk at once. Also, I could never speak up and would always be "the silent one" of the group. I always preferred one-on-one communication, at most 3 people, and even then, mostly interpersonal. I guess I can only open up to people when there are no others that could influence their responses, no peer pressure, or trying to look better at someone's expense. Just you and me. I want to say these kinds of friendships work best for me, but at the current time I have a total of 0 close friends, all of the ones I had are either too far away and busy, I pushed them away myself, or they distanced themselves because I was making them depressed and was too self-centered. I'm like a mental disease spreader, hurt people hurt people, and all that. Also, a lot of my old friends I am afraid of meeting again, especially from school. I don't want them to see me in this pathetic state. I know they will judge me, and I can never stop thinking about it. I don't care if they might also be at low points, I don't want to find out.

Alright, how did I do on not purely talking about myself while totally ignoring the OP's questions? I'm feeling a firm 8/10.

 

[frozenpack25]

This is so very familiar to me. I remember on my first year of college I stayed over at my brother's place. We talked that night before sleep, about dreams, about motivations, I think it was the first time I opened up to him about my depressive feelings, which I didn't know was real depression at the time. I will never forget, he told me "Maybe it's just a phase in your life. I had that, and it just went away for me. It will hopefully end for you too, you just have to wait through it." And at the time, I was so relieved, you know? So I just have to endure it for however long it takes, and it will go away on its own? Ok, I can at least do that.

It didn't go away. It kept getting worse, and worse, and worse. Back then I thought about death, but in a much less obsessive way, and only in times of great distress. Now it's almost constant. And you know what's funny? It didn't go away for him either, what a surprise! He hides it way better than me, and is much more high-functioning (it's not hard to be more functioning than non-functioning), but I see when he cracks. When he lashes on me for being useless and a leech, and then regrets saying it, but never stops. He hasn't gotten over anything, just like me. Sorry for the ramble about me and my problems.

Exactly! It does not go away for everyone. I am sorry that you brother lashes out on you. You may feel like this regardless (people like us cannot shove these feelings down), but you should never ever feel like you are a useless or a leech. Depression is a real thing, and it is even worse when you have constant suicidal thoughts. Hopefully, you can get your brother to understand that there are days where you will feel weak and lethargic.

Anyway, I'll keep talking about me and my problems. Friend groups are something I never was able to get into as well, mostly because I hate when a lot of people talk at once. Also, I could never speak up and would always be "the silent one" of the group. I always preferred one-on-one communication, at most 3 people, and even then, mostly interpersonal. I guess I can only open up to people when there are no others that could influence their responses, no peer pressure, or trying to look better at someone's expense. Just you and me. I want to say these kinds of friendships work best for me, but at the current time I have a total of 0 close friends, all of the ones I had are either too far away and busy, I pushed them away myself, or they distanced themselves because I was making them depressed and was too self-centered. I'm like a mental disease spreader, hurt people hurt people, and all that. Also, a lot of my old friends I am afraid of meeting again, especially from school. I don't want them to see me in this pathetic state. I know they will judge me, and I can never stop thinking about it. I don't care if they might also be at low points, I don't want to find out.

I am also "the silent one," but people should give us a chance to speak when we want to. A real friend group would include everyone no matter what. For some weird reason, people just forgot to do this. I definitely feel like it is on purpose. I decided that what I am looking for is a close friend or partner, and not some friend group that I want to force myself in. Everyone deserves a person that is willing to love them, rain or shine.

Alright, how did I do on not purely talking about myself while totally ignoring the OP's questions? I'm feeling a firm 8/10.

You are doing great, do not be afraid to talk about yourself. If you want, I would be okay with direct messaging each other.