Venting How much longer do I want to try recovery

[SoulCage]

It has been a while since I last posted about why I am still alive and my current plans to make being alive somewhat bearable.
It's gonna be a long one again, mostly me just rambling about being too broken to be fixed and not being able to ctb.

My psych doc changed my meds (to Wellbutrin). For weeks I decreased the amount of my old antidepressant (Venlafaxin) and today I wanted to make the switch. I still got bad withdrawal symptoms, but I can't take the old one anymore. I am pretty sure it was the reason for my stomach problems that I had for months, because... No more issues since I stopped taking it. The withdrawal symptoms are easier to endure than the feeling of constant bloating and chest pains. So I will no longer reduce this shit even further.
Just move on from this old poison, and hope the new one will help me stabilize my mood.

I am currently extremely depressed. I believe it's a mix of multiple things, one being withdrawal symptoms, but I think the biggest reason is the upcoming rehab program that I forced myself to join so I feel less guilty about being a burden. That I can justify being supported because I am working on getting better. But I don't know how this rehab program is going to be. They demand things from me that I don't want to endure - just to stay alive a little longer. They believe training can fix me, but I trained so many times for the jobs in the past and I always ended up somewhere miserable. Why should I have hope it will suddenly be different ???
I can't imagine it. I don't want this cycle to repeat again and again. There is so much fear in me. And fighting it is so hard. Because I don't want to fight it - it's there to fucking protect me. But it's stupid, because I can't pay for my existence expenses without income.

Lately I noticed that it has become really hard to remember what kind of revelations I had while writing my thoughts or while reading other people's thoughts.
And it puts me in a state of panic, because I feel like I am forgetting something important. Like arguments that justify my fear. I feel the need to explain myself in order for them to better understand my limits. So they don't overwhelm me emotionally by saying things that trigger me.
I don't know.... This whole situation feels too complex. And If I can't understand ( and control) it then I panic.
Not sure how to fix something so deeply written into my code. It also doesn't help that there are many instances in real life situation where people advice you to be careful. How am I supposed to learn how to be more "chill" this way? This sucks so much.
I am repeating myself. Sorry. My mind is just hearing too many voices. The hope, the fear, the guilt, the suicidal ideation, the sadness of what I lost (or what I can never have). It just goes blank sometimes.

My plan is still to at least start this rehab thing next week. Because I am currently extremely scared of causing pain for my only real support (my boyfriend), meaning I can't attempt. He still tells me has hope and because of ctb-unrelated conversations I know that he doesn't like the thought of anyone no longer existing. Especially if that someone is currently satisfying his social needs on a very intimate level. And honestly, he is such a good person, he just doesn't deserve to suffer from a loss. I feel full of guilt for being someone who would be responsible for his suffering.
Doing the rehab still carries hope that being alive will become less painful and therefore he wouldn't have to suffer.

Both options (endure pain of life and ctb aftermath) are so bad. I feel stunned. I don't want to choose. I can't. Should I just drop out of recovery attempt and wait until my boyfriend has enough of me? Or keep fighting endlessly? I am so tired.

Best possible scenario would be if I would die of natural causes. This way, my death would be less tragic because it was impossible to prevent it (or just unlucky during treatment or whatever)

Which brings me to the argument... If I am impossible to fix, is suicide not just as well a natural cause? Unfortunately no.. it has such a specific narrative attached to it. How it is always seen as the bad choice for both the victim and the victim's social circle.

Maybe one day.. I will see it all differently. Find myself comfortable leaving everyone behind, because it is better this way (for everyone).
Who knows.

 

[timf]

In between being "fixed" and "broken" is a world of possibilities. Sometimes a person can come to see the world getting darker and focusing down to seeing death as the only option. This darkening usually happens when one thinks that they have no control over their circumstances. To be able to fight back can sometimes require one to find a small corner of their life can cultivate it (almost like a garden) to have some control.

As a person finds something they can control, it is possible to extend that control to another corner of life and slowly reclaim that which has been neglected. Slowly life becomes not something that happens to you, but something you happen to.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

The world between "fixed" and "broken" is absolutely hell.

 

[SoulCage]

Fuck me

I lost my shit today in front of my boyfriend.
I know I shouldn't be so hard with myself, because in this particular moment i was affected by lots of circumstantial stressors and the trigger wasn't even that bad. I made a mistake in regards of cooking lunch and I was so angry at myself and my body and my fears that I exploded, feeling like everything is too much and felt like I can no longer differentiate between a harmless and a harmful mistake. Everything seemed so complex, unfair and exhausting and I just couldn't take it anymore. My normal reaction to this is a flight response, I ran to the bedroom and cursed him to not follow me to leave me alone, because I was so fucking embarassed.
I calmed down after listing all the stressors in my head and gaslit myself into thinking "it's not always everything at once". But I hate the fact that my body reacts this way when I overstepped my anxiety limit. It makes me think nobody wants to deal with this shit and I lose current and potential future social interactions. Which fuels my anxiety even more. Holy shit my brain is dumb. Thinks it's protecting me with all this fear responses when in reality it just causes more problems.
Please I just want to relax, have no more things in life that threaten my daily survival and just feel refreshed when waking up and while doing a job. I am just constantly exhausted from the mental work a job requires and then I also have to deal with this anxiety of making sure I keep the job that mentally exhausted me.
I am so scared of the next weeks. Rehab counselors will bombard me with the "think positive" and "don't assume the worst of your future workplace" nonsense which contradicts the 10+ years of my experience in jobs. I was only able to hold them for a short time, periodically reduced work hours to cope. Shortly had an alcohol addiction then video game addiction then sugar/food addiction where I gained 40kg. I can only survive when I use the harmful coping strategies and I don't want them anymore they make me sick!

I really don't know what happens now. Might explain some of those details to my boyfriend. But I fear it will give him the final push to make an ultimatum. Which is: I have to chill the fuck out and be an adult like everyone else or... Go.
And the worst part is: I don't want to lose him. I want to have good moments with him. And the same time I want to stop existing. What is this shit.

All the mental health places and docs can't help me or just remind me how my anxious behavior is fixable by just thinking positive, just don't be hard on yourself, just don't assume the worst, etc. I tried that so many times, what do you think I did the past 10 years since graduation?

This is all so painful.

Sorry for this. I feel even embarrassed to share it here.

 

[timf]

It sounds like you carry around a lot of accumulated intensity. Almost like a fully charged battery. If you can get rid of some of the "charge" it might help reduce the frequency when things boil over. Some people use exercise like going for a walk or a run. Others can veg out in front of the TV. It sounds like you have used alcohol in the past to numb things down a bit. However, as you have found out this can cause other problems.

If after posting here you found a decrease in accumulated "steam" this may also be a way to manage things.
In the long run it may be more practical to develop the skills to reduce the things that cause "steam" to be accumulated.

 

[SoulCage]

You are right, writing here is pressure valve.

But your answers also made me angry:

To be able to fight back can sometimes require one to find a small corner of their life can cultivate it (almost like a garden) to have some control.

I have tried it countless times. I had certain hobbies that worked for a while, but whenever life got to stressful then I had no more energy to continue. It actually pains even more to realize that you can't tend to this "garden" because its physically impossible. It makes me even sadder. What's your response to that? "Just chill"?

If you can get rid of some of the "charge" it might help reduce the frequency when things boil over. Some people use exercise like going for a walk or a run. Others can veg out in front of the TV

You are saying exactly what the mental health NPCs tell me all the fucking time. You think I haven't tried sports? And "veg in front of TV" is also highly addictive for me, it tickles my reward system, meaning my craving for it creates mental suffering - especially when I have to do something that isn't rewarding.

Your answers sound a lot like charGPT, and I don't judge you for using it, maybe it helps with translation or whatever. I recognize it because I heavily used the public models in the past. I don't need more of those platitudes in my life, if I would want it then I could go to a chatbot myself..

Sorry but your answers are not helping. They actually create even more hate and fear for this world, increasing my desire of non-existence.
It's not me who needs changing. It's the fucking world we live in. That treats people with deeply ingrained weaknesses as they have the issues and it can be fixed with exercising or gratitude or whatever. It makes me think I am the problem for trying not hard enough.

 

[paperbaghat]

think the biggest reason is the upcoming rehab program that I forced myself to join so I feel less guilty about being a burden. That I can justify being supported because I am working on getting better. But I don't know how this rehab program is going to be. They demand things from me that I don't want to endure - just to stay alive a little longer. They believe training can fix me, but I trained so many times for the jobs in the past and I always ended up somewhere miserable. Why should I have hope it will suddenly be different ???

If you are up to it, you should at least go to a couple of sessions to see if it can help you.
If it it works: you get better and feel less guilt
If it doesn't: you can at least say you tried to get better, even when you were exhausted from all the other times
You don't go: nothing changes

Not sure how to fix something so deeply written into my code. It also doesn't help that there are many instances in real life situation where people advice you to be careful. How am I supposed to learn how to be more "chill" this way? This sucks so much.

All the mental health places and docs can't help me or just remind me how my anxious behavior is fixable by just thinking positive, just don't be hard on yourself, just don't assume the worst, etc. I tried that so many times, what do you think I did the past 10 years since graduation?

I feel the same way, life is so unpredictable, unfair, harsh and scary, how isn't everyone anxious and depressed?? I have a pretty rigid mindset, so it's difficult to think any different... what has helped me is trying really hard to focus on what I can control. I can't predict how a person's response and how it will affect me but I can choose how respond (sometimes)
I use this method in other ways too. It is hard for me to do basic tasks sometimes but I know I can always make my bed. You can't control your anxious thinking all the time but you can go to rehab sessions.

I am told that the best way to deal with anxious thoughts is through exposure therapy, getting used to being in unpredictable circumstances so your brain just stops overreacting after a while... (ughh)
sorry if this is unhelpful

Both options (endure pain of life and ctb aftermath) are so bad. I feel stunned. I don't want to choose. I can't. Should I just drop out of recovery attempt and wait until my boyfriend has enough of me? Or keep fighting endlessly? I am so tired.

I wish I could give you some advice but I'm in a similar boat as you :( Recovery is hard when you are so tired... I will keep you in my heart and will hope everything will be okay for you one day