How it feels to dissociate for you?

[MidnightCat]

Hi..

Sometime ago, I discovered I dissasociate when under stress.

Let me explain, thanks to BPD and depression once a small thing happens... I get completely overwhelmed and blocked, easily leading to big anxiety.

However, when something is really seriously distressing for me (From the funeral of my Father to my wife losing it's job and coming home crying for days) I enter a mode which.... it feels something like seeing life in 3rd person, like playing a character in a videogame. Emotions feel "muted", like... if you hear music while underwater, you can hear it... but its distorted and much quieter (that's the best way I have to describe it).

However, today I'm dissasociating, but I zoned out hard enough I almot fall into the ground, when I stopped to feel... I can see I got dizzy from anxiety. So I know I'm anxious but I barely notice it.

My psychiatrist says it's just how I dissasociate. But... it feels "false" to me, I'm not sure how to explain it or if I'm gaslighting myself here.

So I would like to ask, to those who dissasociate, how it is? How do you feel? I'm just trying to understand it because it's fairly new to me...

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Hi! Someone with a Dissociative Disorder (and BPD too) here!

The "third person view" is called depersonalization. If I had to guess by how you described it, the "almost falling over" was likely a rush a adrenaline due to stress, before your dissociation came to shut it down.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I don't know if I dissociate or not. My therapist has used the phrase a few times, but its online and I just see it as zoning out a bit.

Theres a few different 'sensations' in some ways - but mainly just going blank and losing my train of thought and staring into space partially frozen. But I don't know - I still refer to it as going a bit zoned out and get annoyed with myself if it disrupts a task I was doing. And I hate how much time I wasted in therapy too.

One way I have used to describe it sometimes for me is as if staring into the embers of a campfire. Kinda hypnotised. (IRL I get super focussed on one object/spot in front of me and am super aware of what I am looking at but all peripheral vision is gone). But I am also totally aware of sounds - like staring at the campfire and just listening in to the conversations around me but not having anything to contribute.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I don't know if I dissociate or not. My therapist has used the phrase a few times, but its online and I just see it as zoning out a bit.

Theres a few different 'sensations' in some ways - but mainly just going blank and losing my train of thought and staring into space partially frozen. But I don't know - I still refer to it as going a bit zoned out and get annoyed with myself if it disrupts a task I was doing. And I hate how much time I wasted in therapy too.

One way I have used to describe it sometimes for me is as if staring into the embers of a campfire. Kinda hypnotised. (IRL I get super focussed on one object/spot in front of me and am super aware of what I am looking at but all peripheral vision is gone). But I am also totally aware of sounds - like staring at the campfire and just listening in to the conversations around me but not having anything to contribute.

Zoning out is a type of dissociation. It's a common myth that dissociation has to be severe and obvious.

 

[Regen]

I would imagine that there are different types of dissociation.

I only dissociate with people who I have basically already let very close to me (psychologist, partner). If I get very scared there, for example because the psychologist is digging deep inside me, then that's when it starts. I then freeze physically, fixate my eyes on a certain point (like self-hypnosis), my breathing becomes very shallow and in my head there is only fear and emptiness. But I hear and see everything that is sometimes different for others.

In these moments I have the feeling, that I am a little child inside with a big desire of being loved, hugged and I need someone who cares for me like a mother for her child. Dissociate feels for me good and safe and at the same time I feel ashamed and wrong.

 

[Namelesa]

For me dissociating causes me to not even take into account what is actually going on and what I am doing. When I go back to focusing I feel scared about if I have done anything wrong as I didn't have full control over myself at that time.

I have experiences where I see myself from third person as well but it often makes me feel very vulnerable as I feel smaller and that the space is bigger and more uncomfortable as I less like open spaces.

I can also occasionally feel like the world or me isn't real and that me and objects are of different sizes than to what they actually are which causes me to feel paranoid and more vulnerable as I feel less certain of what will happen.

 

[mikgazer6]

I have had some level of constant dissociation for years. Nothing feels real, my past memories don't feel like my own, my actions seem to be made subconsciously, short term memory is shit yet I could be lost in deep thought, senses particularly depth perception are fucked, perception of time is more fucked, feeling inhuman, no sense of self, and generally just losing touch with reality. Honestly, after learning to manage it, I kinda like it when it's at a moderate level. The detachment is comforting. Sure it makes being a functioning member of society difficult and a successful one likely impossible but I enjoy being alone and dislike interactions anyways. It can limit my enjoyment of hobbies though which sucks. I also learned the hard way the importance of managing it because if it gets too extreme it's no different from insanity and that's a special type of hell I never want to experience again.

 

[Aergia]

like playing a character in a videogame. Emotions feel "muted", like... if you hear music while underwater, you can hear it... but its distorted and much quieter (that's the best way I have to describe it).

Yeah, I've been in a state of dissociation for over five years at this point and that is very similar to how I've described it. It's like my consciousness is muted, so everything that I perceive—be it emotion, or more tangible—is dulled. Which in turn gives the world itself this air of unreality. It's a half-life. To someone who has not personally experienced it (at an intense or chronic level), it is best described as feeling like you're in a dream.

I once considered it a positive because when the world and your experiences therein don't feel real, death seems a lot less consequential—not much of a loss. Just a transition to oblivion. Sometimes you get sick of dreaming.

I once posted some pictures I found on the dissociation subreddit that I think capture the feeling quite well.

 

[onthefence]

I have likely been dissociating since early childhood but only had someone notice and point out it was happening a few years ago. It is both a blessing and a curse. I am always at least a little dissociated.
It kept me from going insane during my traumatic childhood. Now it is my escape- if I'm uncomfortable I will use it as a "superpower" to get through things such as work or therapy.
I also find myself doing it purposely as a coping mechanism when I'm alone and overwhelmed but tend to let it take over then. I will lay on the couch for hours staring at the wall. This scares me a bit because I usually don't want to "come back." My therapist tells me I use it like a drug and that it can be just as addictive. I hope I will always be able to come back, if not I'll end up in the hospital. At the same time being permanently mentally gone appeals to me.

 

[FoxSauce]

I also have bpd under severe stress i can just blank out?

I dont know how to explain it, I'm cant hear anything, everything is muffled and blurry?

Sometimes when I'm super anxious I see people's faces but there just distorted and blurry , I dunno if thats counts as dissociation.

Im sorry that's something is hard for me to understand.

 

[vitbar]

I feel light and like I'm floating. Things seem far away like I've retracted into myself. The world is less 3D somehow. Less colourful. Unreal without anything specific wrong with it.

 

[Decadent Snake]

From what I know, disassociation can be further split into derealization and depersonalization. For me, its mainly derealization; I feel like I'm living in a dream, where nothing and no-one is real. People feel like NPC's; sometimes things are too big, too small, too bright, too dim. I also feel like i'm on autopilot the whole time. My sense of time is completely shot, and all my memories feel like they belong to someone else.

I thought this was normal until a year ago; once you learn to live with it, it can, in a way, make some situations more bearable. Boring shift at a job? Don't worry, it'll feel like it never happened. Someone yelling at you? You can just zone out until it feels safe again.

Context: Chronic 24/7 DPDR :/

 

[MidnightCat]

From what I know, disassociation can be further split into derealization and depersonalization. For me, its mainly derealization; I feel like I'm living in a dream, where nothing and no-one is real. People feel like NPC's; sometimes things are too big, too small, too bright, too dim. I also feel like i'm on autopilot the whole time. My sense of time is completely shot, and all my memories feel like they belong to someone else.

I thought this was normal until a year ago; once you learn to live with it, it can, in a way, make some situations more bearable. Boring shift at a job? Don't worry, it'll feel like it never happened. Someone yelling at you? You can just zone out until it feels safe again.

Context: Chronic 24/7 DPDR :/

It's curious how different derealization and depersonalisation feel.

My world is "real", it's just like "everything is muted by 70%", kinda even if colours feel even grayer..

But what I seem to coincide is autopilot and... Well, it's sometimes pretty useful.

I function way more from what I'm usually able to if I'm dissociating..