How is it possible I'm terrified of death but long for it more than anything?

[bugfriendly]

Anyone feel the same way? I have really intense panic attacks from existential dread really frequently. But even so I wanna ctb so badly. I've backed out so many times because of my fear and I hate myself for it more everytime. Makes no fucking sense. I feel trapped. Being alive is so hard.

 

[spanishguy22]

Human nature

 

[bugfriendly]

Human nature

very true. life is a contradiction.

 

[Omega7]

You're not alone.

 

[Hotsackage]

I ain't afraid of sleep. But I know how you feel

 

[JadedGray]

That's the survival instinct. Unfortunately, there really is no way around it. I found the only thing that helped was having a near-death experience. It doesn't make the prospect of death and what might come after less scary, but the process of dying itself, isn't as daunting. The only other thing that can help are numbing your senses the best you can with sleep deprivation or drugs/alcohol that will make you drowsy.

At this point life is so bad that I rather take the chance and see what comes after death, if anything. It would be hard for it to be worse than this.

 

[noonetoo]

It's the fear of pain. How easy it would be to die if it was a guarantee and quick and painless? I wouldn't even hesitate.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Anyone feel the same way? I have really intense panic attacks from existential dread really frequently. But even so I wanna ctb so badly. I've backed out so many times because of my fear and I hate myself for it more everytime. Makes no fucking sense. I feel trapped. Being alive is so hard.

Hey friend, I'm sorry to hear about your pain.
The whole 'tired of living, scared of dying' thing is something soany can relate to.
I hope you find some peace friend.
DBD

 

[Redrock]

nvm

 

[Davy]

Maybe you don't want to die, you just hate being alive.

 

[chlorine]

Anyone feel the same way? I have really intense panic attacks from existential dread really frequently. But even so I wanna ctb so badly. I've backed out so many times because of my fear and I hate myself for it more everytime. Makes no fucking sense. I feel trapped. Being alive is so hard.

I have mixed feelings about this. I think of death and suicide so often that it's become a fantasy of mine, I would just imagine myself committing suicide in countless ways and in doing so, finding peace of mind. On the other hand, I have attempted suicide twice and the first time I did it I got really scared, maybe because of the pain that was starting to come by the 25 grams of aspirin I'd taken. So I ended up in the hospital. The second time it was so peaceful. I was in my warm bath seeing my warm blood leave my body with that comforting sensation of being near to sleeping. Until my mother found me. I'll spare the details, but the point is that I think suicide is just a small but scary and unstable bridge between suffering and peace, or who knows what that comes after, but I believe it couldn't possibly be worse than this thing we call reality. I honestly am so curious to die just to see what comes after, if there is something. Otherwise we just won't be no more and that'd be great as well. Choosing to die is just like breaking the walls of prison with your fingers, it will be painful and scary but what comes after is worth an effort.

 

[Xaphous]

I'm sure a lot of us feel this way.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

Oh yeah definitely!
Thats the S.I and it wants to be a bitch and come out entirely when I'm about to attempt or in the middle of it.
I feel dumb too as if my desire to die is kept at wishful thinking. i keep telling myself
Succeed already!

 

[TAW122]

The thought of failing and suffering through an attempt or not dying instantly does terrify me. I would say it is the survival instinct and the body wanting to escape 'pain' even if it is not rational.

 

[bugfriendly]

I have mixed feelings about this. I think of death and suicide so often that it's become a fantasy of mine, I would just imagine myself committing suicide in countless ways and in doing so, finding peace of mind. On the other hand, I have attempted suicide twice and the first time I did it I got really scared, maybe because of the pain that was starting to come by the 25 grams of aspirin I'd taken. So I ended up in the hospital. The second time it was so peaceful. I was in my warm bath seeing my warm blood leave my body with that comforting sensation of being near to sleeping. Until my mother found me. I'll spare the details, but the point is that I think suicide is just a small but scary and unstable bridge between suffering and peace, or who knows what that comes after, but I believe it couldn't possibly be worse than this thing we call reality. I honestly am so curious to die just to see what comes after, if there is something. Otherwise we just won't be no more and that'd be great as well. Choosing to die is just like breaking the walls of prison with your fingers, it will be painful and scary but what comes after is worth an effort.

Suicide is just a small but scary and unstable bridge between suffering and peace. So beautifully said. Thank you this was very nice to read.

It's the fear of pain. How easy it would be to die if it was a guarantee and quick and painless? I wouldn't even hesitate.

I suppose for some but physical pain doesn't worry me. I enjoy it sometimes. For me it's the idea that I will no exist and will never exist again, never wil feel anything ever again, hear or see anything and never have the chance to. Loss of individually, indefinite nothingness.

 

[noonetoo]

I suppose for some but physical pain doesn't worry me. I enjoy it sometimes. For me it's the idea that I will no exist and will never exist again, never wil feel anything ever again, hear or see anything and never have the chance to. Loss of individually, indefinite nothingness.

Then what is truly stopping you if you're masochistic enough?
I don't mean that in a rude way, just questioning your response.

At the end of the day, no one is invincible, one can only endure so much. I use to like pain but there's always a limit.

& what if you're re-incarnated into a worse life? Not saying it's going to happen but who really knows.

 

[bugfriendly]

I want to ctb before things get worse cause they only will get worse with age. I want to die now so I don't have to watch my friends and my mother and my family die. I don't want to helplessly watch as my hair turns grey and I slowly lose my mobility. I don't ever want that pain not now and not in 10 or 50 years. I want power over my demise. truly the only thing humans have control over is when they will cease to exist. obviously not all the time but in a lot of situations. only a handful of things keep me from just letting go and leaving our conscious plane. and recently I lost one of them. and now I'm scared I'll lose the others. I want to be rid of the pain. my past, present and future pain. I want to be free!!! I tried to find the courage to ctb 6 months ago. I was so close, everything was perfect. fuck. I regret not going through with it than everyday.
people on this site often speak as if dying is a choice. it is your choice to die not as nature intended or whatever. but its gonna happen anyway and time doesn't exist so I feel as if I'm already dead and just waiting out the consciousness of it all. might as well dip outta here before things get worse though I am suffering and I wish I would just be put out my misery along with my dying dog.

 

[noonetoo]

@bugfriendly
I feel you on that one, I could've done it 8 months ago but life didn't work out that way.
So you still have things to live for? It is losing those things & gaining the courage that would open the door for you? I see.

 

[bugfriendly]

Then what is truly stopping you if you're masochistic enough?
I don't mean that in a rude way, just questioning your response.

At the end of the day, no one is invincible, one can only endure so much. I use to like pain but there's always a limit.

& what if you're re-incarnated into a worse life? Not saying it's going to happen but who really knows.

thanks for clarifying all good good question

I don't enjoy it sexually. I'm asexual. haha! hm I suppose like isn't the right word. I welcome pain. When I feel nothing and want to feel something. even if its a negative feeling at least by feeling something I can remember I am still alive.

I believe life and death are one in the same. Before I was born where was I? I wasn't someone else or a bird or a plane. I was nothing and when I die I will revert to that state of nothingness for eternity.

I would take my chances. my life isn't all that bad, its my mind and me thats shit. if I could escape myself by being reborn again in that way, anything might be better. I think existing at all is terrible so yeh life could be a lot worse but in the grand scheme its all the same.

 

[JadedGray]

I have mixed feelings about this. I think of death and suicide so often that it's become a fantasy of mine, I would just imagine myself committing suicide in countless ways and in doing so, finding peace of mind. On the other hand, I have attempted suicide twice and the first time I did it I got really scared, maybe because of the pain that was starting to come by the 25 grams of aspirin I'd taken. So I ended up in the hospital. The second time it was so peaceful. I was in my warm bath seeing my warm blood leave my body with that comforting sensation of being near to sleeping. Until my mother found me. I'll spare the details, but the point is that I think suicide is just a small but scary and unstable bridge between suffering and peace, or who knows what that comes after, but I believe it couldn't possibly be worse than this thing we call reality. I honestly am so curious to die just to see what comes after, if there is something. Otherwise we just won't be no more and that'd be great as well. Choosing to die is just like breaking the walls of prison with your fingers, it will be painful and scary but what comes after is worth an effort.

I'm like this as well. Once you've started thinking of suicide it's hard to ever stop. I don't even remember what it's like to not think about suicide. It consumes me to the point where even the music I listen to or the movies I watch generally have some suicidal theme to them. I've heard people say that if you think about suicide even once in your life the thought will be there forever, even when you're unaware of it until something in your life pushes you over the edge again.

 

[Elfy]

It's the fear of ceasing to exist.. The fear of disappearing into nothingness. We don't know what awaits us after. I believe we go back to being source energy which is love and peace. Our ego does not want to dissipate into oneness and has a natural resistance against losing our identity and individuality. Maybe reading and educating yourself about what may come after can help with that anxiety? That's what I try to do.

 

[Alan James]

It's the fear of ceasing to exist.. The fear of disappearing into nothingness. We don't know what awaits us after. I believe we go back to being source energy which is love and peace. Our ego does not want to dissipate into oneness and has a natural resistance against losing our identity and individuality. Maybe reading and educating yourself about what may come after can help with that anxiety? That's what I try to do.

I was never afraid to disappear without a trace, to cease to exist in any form, I would like if it were possible not to be born in general, I never needed this body and this life. I feel locked up in a body like a prison and a trap. I am an atheist and I am sure that there is no life after death. But I am madly afraid of any pain (even for example, donate blood) and other unpleasant feelings - it seems to me that if I could not feel pain in general, I would not be afraid of anything.