How do you cross the "this is impossible" line?

[Bronto Burger]

HI, I'm new here. I don't have the search option available, and there are thousands of posts, so I'll just make a new one I was gonna talk about why I'm here, but in the grand scheme, it's not too important. I wish I could ease everyone's suffering or trouble or whatever it is that brings you here, and I know there are countless legitimate reasons why you're here.

I have been suffering with increasing torture and agony of body, mind and spirit for about 20 years, but the last 1.5 have been hell on earth. I was injured by doctors; I did nothing wrong. I and my wife have spent $$$$$$ on everything we could find in efforts to heal, but there are no more options and every day is unbearable now. My wife is the dearest love of my life - my absolute soul mate, and my siblings are the best anyone could ever hope for. They've all been in their own agony trying to help me, but we've all run out of options. My entire support system is absolutely outstanding. I know so many people don't have that. But ironically, it's that support system that is keeping me from ending my life. I've been carrying all this misery for them because I love them so much and can't bear the thought of leaving them this way. If I didn't have them, it seems it would be a lot easier to end my life. I'm sure many of you can relate. I have absolutely no hope of even recovering some sort of quality of life, so ending my torture would be merciful to myself but would leave them with all the shit that goes with my tragic end.

So my question is, how do I cross that impossible line of putting myself ahead of them now? I'm sure this is one of the reasons so many people snap and end their lives quickly and often violently. I haven't been able to do any quick and violent method because of them as well, but it's getting closer every day. I'm trying to go as peacefully as possible, but it's damn hard work!!! Hollywood makes it look so stupid easy...

Aside from the obvious numbing of things with the likes of alcohol and sedative medications (which still takes a line to cross since it's a conscious decision), I haven't come close enough to cross that line. I'm naive, so I don't have access to street drugs, otherwise I might try those as well. But has anyone figured out a way to come to terms with crossing that line? Thanks for listening.

 

[R. A.]

Hello. Sorry to welcome you.

I think the only ones who can truly answer are no longer here. Or, this isn't the kind of place they hang out. You'll see if you comb the scores upon scores of stories here, people have been "sure" they were ready to go up until the actual time came to do the deed, or they were even midway through it - and something snapped back, and they bailed.

Before reading so many accounts, I always figured "you'll know when you know". Often they're the body literally acting on its own (which is a terrifying concept), but it's such murky water, it makes me shiver to even think about. I worry lots about waiting "too long" and something happening that would prevent me from quitting on my terms, also bleck.

In your case I would hope that these people who truly seem to care for you would understand, given where you're at and all you've done and tried, when you could no longer manage. It would be contrary to their love, in fact to forcibly stop you - though humans in the west are apt to this hypocrisy, sadly.

Anyway, I hope your stay here is fruitful; not to discredit anyone's suffering but from what I've seen you're in a minority of users here whose loss of function of the physical body is their reason for being here. But even still there are many kind words and advice offered regularly.

Good luck

 

[moonlightbeach]

hi, welcome, thank you for sharing your story

it's hard because there's no simple answer to your question.

if you go through the forum when you have the search function, you'll often find that people commit suicide when they're isolated from their friends and family and cut off all ties, many do so because they don't want people calling police on them. i cut people off because i wanted to be left alone and in peace.

undoubtedly it becomes much more difficult when you have loved ones or if you're responsible.

what the majority would consider selfish is what leads people to make attempts - they think about their struggle first and put everything away. they don't want to suffer anymore and so they work in their best interest. i don't see anything wrong with this. i'm pro-choice so people that feel like they want to commit suicide and have given it a lot of thought are free to do so. i still do put myself first and i have my life in my own hands and i decide what happens. before my failed attempt i had the most exciting dream of my life, i had a big friend group, started a relationship, but it didn't stop me from actually wanting to die and stop the suffering.

repost from my thread from a few days ago

i have the next attempt planned, everything in order, not giving it any more time + that's my only chance to do it there. i felt terrible and worse since my attempt failed and i survived by a miracle.

i feel so fucking terrible, i cry so much that i'm lying to all of my partner, friends and other people i know. they are all super excited for things ahead and i just think about how much it will hurt them.

here are 2 messages i received just today -
"I love my life with you in it"
"I'm so happy I found a concert sister"
im collapsing from a wee thought that they expect so much and have a positive outlook on the future. i can't stay here because of them.

yeah so those messages didn't really matter. maybe in the moment they meant something to me. i've learned that to me happiness and joyful moments are temporary and i don't want to be awake 99.9% of the time so i'm so sure about ctb. can't fucking believe i am still here after attempting the hardest fucking method some people thinking it was done on a whim. how would you feel if you chose one of the most vile ways to end yourself, survived and had to tell that to your therapist. having the worst day in a month right now i think.

i attempted because i felt like this all the time. have any of the problems fucking changed? no. i still hate my past. i still hate my body. my face. i forget everything that happens during the day. i just go look at the date go from 8 to 9 to 10 until the month ends and repeats itself. i can't wait.

 

[Pale_Rider]

One footstep at a time...

 

[fedup1982]

I wish I knew how to motivate myself to jump at beachy head cliffs, and risk lying at the bottom in agony. But life is getting better every day so it's looking less and less likely that I could possibly jump. As comfortable as my life is now, I still would prefer to not exist, and as much as I don't want to exist, the risk of lying at the bottom of beachy head cliffs in agony means I can't imagine jumping. But if I had access to good heroin I'd definitely OD on it and meet my maker