It's a combination of accepting my life circumstances instead of exhausting myself through fighting, and having enough external mental, emotional, financial, and logistical support to keep me from spiralling too far down.
I also believe medical assistance in dying will be available to me (Canada) if/when the times comes that I need it. Just believing that I'll have the option is something that helps me, if paradoxically, turn away from the prospect of suicide.
I use coping mechanisms to get through the moment. I try to find and appreciate the little pleasures. And I know I have supportive family who loves me and who would be devastated if they lost me.
All of this allows me to keep death at a distance.
Is this right, or am I just stagnate? I don't know, but this is where I am right now.
I have a feeling I'm too used to being suicidal that anything that isn't aligned with that feeling is wrong.
It's easy to get stuck like this. We can get comfortable with it. It becomes familiar. Routine. Normal. Whatever you call it, there comes a point where the idea of change feels uncomfortable ("wrong", even).
One thing you could start with is the very fact you're asking the question. You feel "too used to it", but you're also alluding to wanting out of it -- that there's an underlying desire for change. With this in mind, you could use this against your suicidal inclinations by reminding yourself,
"This is only the suicidality manipulating me. This isn't what the 'real me' wants. The 'real me' wants to focus on living."
