How do I mentally torture myself?

[CoolGuy9]

I remember ages ago realizing that unlike others, I'm not good at anything. Back then this hurt me a lot. Nowadays I'm just used to it. Being a worthless idiot doesn't even bother me and I hate it. I want to cry, because of self hatred instead of just accept it and be numb to everything.

 

[Throwaway563078]

Why would you want to torture yourself? There's more than enough pain individually and collectively. Be kind to yourself or try to at least.? Isn't that why we, are on here and prosuicide, to try to end the pain

 

[dandan]

I torture myself with the constant thought that :
-I could've lived a wonderful life, if not for a small mistake. or for being "depressed, anxious, and such"
-Constantly thinking I might never be good enough for myself to accept myself.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Just visit my mind for 1 day and you´ll be there..

 

[tile66915n]

I remember ages ago realizing that unlike others, I'm not good at anything. Back then this hurt me a lot. Nowadays I'm just used to it. Being a worthless idiot doesn't even bother me and I hate it. I want to cry, because of self hatred instead of just accept it and be numb to everything.

you can mentally torture yourself by studying mathematics

 

[CoolGuy9]

Why would you want to torture yourself? There's more than enough pain individually and collectively. Be kind to yourself or try to at least.? Isn't that why we, are on here and prosuicide, to try to end the pain

I'm not sure why. I sometimes get an urge to do it and sometimes the urge is too strong.

 

[Jolene40]

I wish there was a way you could feel better about yourself. Why on earth would you want to torture yourself? I guess you've done counselling?!
How did you end up with such terrible self esteem? Was it always there or is it the depression driving it

 

[CoolGuy9]

I wish there was a way you could feel better about yourself. Why on earth would you want to torture yourself? I guess you've done counselling?!
How did you end up with such terrible self esteem? Was it always there or is it the depression driving it

Ended up in this situation, because a "friend" of mine made me the school clown in 2012-2015. Then I became really lonely as I stopped hanging out with these "friends". Tried to learn programming in another school and completely failed, because I am useless. That's the short version.

 

[suffering]

Why should you be good at anything? Fuck society. It should bother you only if you need to make money.There are many people who can make money without having any particular academic skill. And congrats on being lonely, very few people have the stoicism to stand alone in early youth. Just focus on your own well being.

 

[dandan]

. It should bother you only if you need to make money...

yeah, something as "only" money.... thats a real issue for many of us... fucking money... .

 

[Worndown]

Ended up in this situation, because a "friend" of mine made me the school clown in 2012-2015. Then I became really lonely as I stopped hanging out with these "friends". Tried to learn programming in another school and completely failed, because I am useless. That's the short version.

Maybe programming was your desire but not what you were set to do. This world offers a lot of options. Not all of them cause pain.

 

[suffering]

yeah, something as "only" money.... thats a real issue for many of us... fucking money... .

I didn't mean it like that, I am struggling too. For some reason, I was left with the impression that maybe OP needs to be good at something out of a sense of duty or belonging, as he seems concerned with punishing himself.

 

[Jolene40]

Ended up in this situation, because a "friend" of mine made me the school clown in 2012-2015. Then I became really lonely as I stopped hanging out with these "friends". Tried to learn programming in another school and completely failed, because I am useless. That's the short version.

Its only other people making you feel useless. Those friends are the ones who should suffer not you. Every dog has its day.

 

[chrijo]

If you want to be tortured mentally - try it with love.

 

[CoolGuy9]

I didn't mean it like that, I am struggling too. For some reason, I was left with the impression that maybe OP needs to be good at something out of a sense of duty or belonging, as he seems concerned with punishing himself.

I probably want to be good at something as that's something that almost everyone wants and because I want to be special, but i'm not sure. As for why I want pain, that I don't know. It might be, because I feel like I deserve it as a punishment for being a failure or because I want attention, but those are guesses.

Its only other people making you feel useless. Those friends are the ones who should suffer not you. Every dog has its day.

I also feel useless, because in the military we were given tasks that I couldn't do, but others could along with some other similar examples.

 

[Bloodtearsdust]

From what I've read it sounds like you're already mentally torturing yourself.

 

[headinghome]

suffer an injury that prevents you from doing anything you used to love that makes you dependent...make a choice to end your life then be brought back and have everyone say:
you need to live (for us) even if you live crippled! I am a mature adult and this has caused mental torture...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy

 

[Cookiedough8956]

Idk to me it feels like stages- first comes the crying and painfulness then it goes down to numb and just nothing.
Being numb is another type of suffering though..

 

[Jolene40]

Its your state of mind making you feel

suffer an injury that prevents you from doing anything you used to love that makes you dependent...make a choice to end your life then be brought back and have everyone say:
you need to live (for us) even if you live crippled! I am a mature adult and this has caused mental torture...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy

Can i ask who is asking you to stay around for them? It is so hard for everyone. I feel the same but no one is pressuring me to stay; they all support me now. The one person who wouldn't obviously if they knew is my poor little one.

 

[headinghome]

Its your state of mind making you feel

Can i ask who is asking you to stay around for them? It is so hard for everyone. I feel the same but no one is pressuring me to stay; they all support me now. The one person who wouldn't obviously if they knew is my poor little one.

husband and all my friends… My husband dragged me to the ER when I was almost successful with my overdose… Just because I choose or want to die doesn't mean that I could easily do it if that was the case everybody that just said they wanted to be dead would be dead I now have no drugs I can't really drive anywhere and I don't think I can get any N so I'm trapped in hell

 

[Jolene40]

husband and all my friends… My husband dragged me to the ER when I was almost successful with my overdose… Just because I choose or want to die doesn't mean that I could easily do it if that was the case everybody that just said they wanted to be dead would be dead I now have no drugs I can't really drive anywhere and I don't think I can get any N so I'm trapped in hell

Ah that's so hard. I had to look through your posts to see what your main issues are. Are you physically unwell / depressed or both? If you 'seem' well other than your mental health I just think people can't understand it. If theres any hope to feel better i hope it's there for you. I wouldn't worry about friends but children and husbands/wives i understand why they want to keep you. But i totally understand your pain

 

[housecat]

An interesting form of self harm. Do you want to punish yourself or just feel something? I assume you've already tried therapy and medications to help you feel again. I wouldn't know what to suggest (that would be realistically useful) beyond that.

 

[Divine Trinity]

Firmly believe in free will, justice, and meritocracy. Tell yourself (or listen to others say) how much of a burden you are, and how happy they'll be if you were out of their lives. Stop maintaining basic hygiene, and isolate yourself from society, and regularly visit FB and reddit chats/forums on social topics.

Should be easy, we've had 9-13 years of training for it.

Firmly believe in free will, justice, and meritocracy. Tell yourself (or listen to others say) how much of a burden you are, and how happy they'll be if you were out of their lives. Stop maintaining basic hygiene, and isolate yourself from society, and regularly visit FB and reddit chats/forums on social topics.

Should be easy, we've had 9-13 years of training for it.

Wallow in self-pity and seek circle-jerk communities that reinforce all of your beliefs and preconceptions, never seek new stimulus and starve yourself.

 

[JadedGray]

Living is torturous enough.