I know quite a weird question. I have so many sorrows and often I also cringe about me. Moreover I am often self-loathing me. The following is a weird observation. I have the feeling some people me included hate themselves for the wrong reasons. I like David Foster Wallace and he despised himself. I can relate to a lot of things he wrote. I think he also had the impostor syndrome but with different aspects. He hated himself for wanting to leave a certain impression in other people's minds. I also do that a lot. I think his behavior towards women was pretty horrible in many instances. I think this was quite questionable. But he rather battled with some weird abstract notions of himself and not for like real actual harmful things he has done. And yes I do that too. I think there are bad characteristics I have. And I probably also have done wrong things. But I rather see that my mind is playing with me mind-games about abstract concepts and for example about micro-expressions I show. I am obsessed about tiny impressions I leave in other people's mind. Shit other people forget like within 5 seconds or do not even notice. Currently my mind tortures me because I am scared I racially insulted someone with a weird gaze I gave him. I am so obsessed by that incident it is more than 7 days ago. I think the other person noticed I am overthinking the situation a lot he also knew I have mental illness. However my mind won't stop with self-loathing me for that. I am like in an inner panic mode. I am so fucking anxious. (When describing the incident it becomes so real again and all the emotions with it are starting again.)
Here comes a similar problem with sorrows. Again I worry all the time. I just jump from one sorrow to the next. The best (and obvious) answer would probably be to worry less. I really have issues with it. I ask myself whether I worry for the right reasons. Like the micro-expression I currently cannot stop thinking about. I have so many sorrows. For example things I barely have influence on. Things that will happen many many years in the future. Maybe I should worry more about my tooth where the filling went out. The day only has 24 hours and the week only 7 days I need more time to worry. Maybe the sleep deprivation which is caused by medication withdrawal fuels the fear in my mind. I can relate to descriptions of hypervigilant nervous systems. It is so toxic and always so painful in my consciousness.
The emphasis should probably be how I can feel happy in my life. But I am always obsessed by other things. Often related to my OCD behavior and obsessions. I really struggle to be friendly to me. I currently thought about buying my a Playstation 5. Though my money sorrows overwhelm me too. I feel so many intense emotions every day and the vast majority is deeply negative. Fuck my life!
Here comes a similar problem with sorrows. Again I worry all the time. I just jump from one sorrow to the next. The best (and obvious) answer would probably be to worry less. I really have issues with it. I ask myself whether I worry for the right reasons. Like the micro-expression I currently cannot stop thinking about. I have so many sorrows. For example things I barely have influence on. Things that will happen many many years in the future. Maybe I should worry more about my tooth where the filling went out. The day only has 24 hours and the week only 7 days I need more time to worry. Maybe the sleep deprivation which is caused by medication withdrawal fuels the fear in my mind. I can relate to descriptions of hypervigilant nervous systems. It is so toxic and always so painful in my consciousness.
The emphasis should probably be how I can feel happy in my life. But I am always obsessed by other things. Often related to my OCD behavior and obsessions. I really struggle to be friendly to me. I currently thought about buying my a Playstation 5. Though my money sorrows overwhelm me too. I feel so many intense emotions every day and the vast majority is deeply negative. Fuck my life!
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