Help How do I continue on?

[DogSandwichLove]

My partner, my love, my favorite person, my best friend died on September 1st. I found him at his house barely breathing after I couldn't get a hold of him. I was thirty minutes late. He poisoned himself with Sodium Nitrate and I was too late to do anything that could save him. My CPR was even a wasted effort. I don't know how to continue on after this. I failed him. As his partner I should have been able to keep him safe. I should have been able to make him feel loved and worthy. It has almost been a month and I am still struggling to get out of bed, to move, to eat. How will I ever be able to live after knowing I wasn't there for him. Knowing I wasn't able to save him. Knowing it was my fault. The only thing that feels fair is laying the bed we shared, doing nothing, but being in pain and missing him. He deserves for me to be in pain and feel no joy or comfort for the rest of my life. He deserved for the entire world to stop. I miss him all the time. I think of him constantly. I will never be okay and I don't think I deserve to be.

Everything feels pointless. My whole life was wiped away in an instant. My future was wiped away. I don't think I have it in me to rebuild. I think about whether he is okay or not all the time. I think about how the only way I will know if he is okay is if I join him, but even that is no guarantee. How do I live with this guilt? With this emptiness? Without him?

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I'm so sorry for what you went through! That sounds absolutely horrible!! I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now..
But I do know it wasn't your fault. In the end we are all responsible for our own choices, including your partner. It might not be what you want to hear, and I know it doesn't change the pain of missing him. Sometimes even all the love in the world can't make enough of a difference..
I can't tell you how to live without him, but the guilt isn't yours to carry
And if you ever want to chat my dm's open

 

[DogSandwichLove]

I'm so sorry for what you went through! That sounds absolutely horrible!! I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now..
But I do know it wasn't your fault. In the end we are all responsible for our own choices, including your partner. It might not be what you want to hear, and I know it doesn't change the pain of missing him. Sometimes even all the love in the world can't make enough of a difference..
I can't tell you how to live without him, but the guilt isn't yours to carry
And if you ever want to chat my dm's open

I knew he wasn't doing okay. He was struggling with multiple things happening in his life. I was mad at him for not wanting to come with me and my family after he said he would. I was mad at him and even though he apologized I told him it would be better if he didn't come that way we didn't have to be awkward and act like we were fine. I pushed him away at a time I knew he wasn't okay. I was being so selfish. I can't forgive myself for that.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I knew he wasn't doing okay. He was struggling with multiple things happening in his life. I was mad at him for not wanting to come with me and my family after he said he would. I was mad at him and even though he apologized I told him it would be better if he didn't come that way we didn't have to be awkward and act like we were fine. I pushed him away at a time I knew he wasn't okay. I was being so selfish. I can't forgive myself for that.

You were hurt and told him somewhat harsh things.. Not the most mature way to deal maybe, but very very human
Then don't forgive yourself for it if you truly feel like you can't, but learn from it or try to live with it..
But again, I think there is a difference between pushing someone away when they need you, and being responsible for someone's death!

 

[noairtobreathe1]

I am so sorry for your loss. Like Unruly said though, this was not your fault. It never was your fault. He would not want you to suffer like this, he loved you.

I know the saying is cliche, but time does heal. It's not even been a month. How have you cared for yourself since his death?

 

[DogSandwichLove]

I am so sorry for your loss. Like Unruly said though, this was not your fault. It never was your fault. He would not want you to suffer like this, he loved you.

I know the saying is cliche, but time does heal. It's not even been a month. How have you cared for yourself since his death?

I don't even know where to start. I have been trying to be with his family as much as possible because it's when I feel most connected to him, but doing anything to care for myself seems like a betrayal. I'm struggling to eat and drink water even because I feel guilty that he can't.

You were hurt and told him somewhat harsh things.. Not the most mature way to deal maybe, but very very human
Then don't forgive yourself for it if you truly feel like you can't, but learn from it or try to live with it..
But again, I think there is a difference between pushing someone away when they need you, and being responsible for someone's death!

That's what I am struggling with most. How do people live with this? I'm struggling to do anything.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

That's what I am struggling with most. How do people live with this? I'm struggling to do anything.

I can't speak for others. I know guilt and I know loss. I found something worth it to keep going for now. Sometimes that's enough for a week, sometimes a day and sometimes just one breath at a time.
I try to keep routine as much as possible. Force myself to eat and drink so I can keep going for my cats.
And when I need it I ask for help. Be it from a professional, a far away friend or AI. People on here are kind and wanting to help or listen as well.

 

[Bear1234]

Im sorry for your loss but it wasn't your fault. At the end of the day someone killing themselves is truly their choice. Its rough but its their choice. I really think you should give yourself the chance to live your life. Try find the little glimmers in life because they are there. Sometimes situations are so hard to deal with and the only option is death - like a chronic illness and sometimes with time, grief can pass and you can learn to live again. Please give yourself that chance, you deserve it <3 This will pass for you.

 

[fallingtopieces]

I am so sorry for your loss. Mourning a loved needs the help of time. I can only say what others have, that it is not your fault, it was a decision he made for himself. It was his decision not to share what he was contemplating. Please consider grief counseling. There is an enormous amount of pain you are carrying inside you.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It sounds horrible.i can remember the breakup that pushed me to ideation. It was brutal but a fraction of what you are going through.but like the other posts say, this not your fault. You can never truly know what someone is thinking. I think many of us here can attest to that as we hide our real thoughts and find comfort on this site.
Your struggle unfortunately must remind many of us here (including me)of the aftermath if we ctb. Maybe sharing your story will make someone here change their mind . Then a tiny , tiny bit of good comes from you sharing your story ? I just hate that you have to suffer so much. You have to forgive yourself. He would hate knowing you are suffering so much that you wound up on this site.

 

[DogSandwichLove]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It sounds horrible.i can remember the breakup that pushed me to ideation. It was brutal but a fraction of what you are going through.but like the other posts say, this not your fault. You can never truly know what someone is thinking. I think many of us here can attest to that as we hide our real thoughts and find comfort on this site.
Your struggle unfortunately must remind many of us here (including me)of the aftermath if we ctb. Maybe sharing your story will make someone here change their mind . Then a tiny , tiny bit of good comes from you sharing your story ? I just hate that you have to suffer so much. You have to forgive yourself. He would hate knowing you are suffering so much that you wound up on this site.

I just wish he knew he could have told me how bad it was. I wish he knew that he was loved unconditionally and I would have done anything to keep him here. I hope that if anyone is thinking of CBT they tell someone close to them first and let them know how serious it is. My family knows how I am feeling right now and are trying to support me in any way they can. If I knew my partner was going to do this I would have done anything he needed me to to make him reconsider. I don't think he believed that we all loved him as much as we do, but if we knew how he was feeling we could have been there for him in the ways he needed us to be. He could still be here with us. I just miss him so much.

I am so sorry for your loss. Mourning a loved needs the help of time. I can only say what others have, that it is not your fault, it was a decision he made for himself. It was his decision not to share what he was contemplating. Please consider grief counseling. There is an enormous amount of pain you are carrying inside you.

I am in counseling. I have been going 3x per week. It was his decision to not share, but I think it was because he was ashamed. I wish he knew that we all would have done anything we could to help him.

 

[RoadBLOCK]

Sorry about that, modern humans don't want to die it's a chip inside of us

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I very much doubt he would want you to punish yourself like this though.

Not that I have any experience of it but I imagine disagreements between partners are natural. You can't just not speak up when certain things really upset you. Otherwise, I imagine it all just festers.

It's just really sad and unfortunate that you are left with these memories. But, like others have said, I very much doubt it was your fault. Sometimes, other people simply can't help us, no matter how much they love us.

 

[AllTheseQuestions]

Grief is a terrible thing, I'm really sorry for your loss.

 

[Blue Dream]

Please give yourself time. Grief is a motherfucker and this transpired pretty recently.

Consider the possibility that your partner probably knew you'd do everything in your power to stop him and chose to keep quiet for this reason.

He is no longer suffering. He made his choice and no amount of self punishment on your end will change what's transpired.

 

[Batman2nd]

Every single word you wrote resonates with me. I am living your exact scenario, the only difference is that my partner used a gun. I actually spoke to him 2 hours before he did it. I thought he sounded upset, but I did NOTHING! I cannot live with the pain. I do not want to live in a world that does not include him. You have my deepest empathy.

 

[Batman2nd]

Dear DogSandwichLove,
I would ask how you are doing, but I know how you are doing. I think about your words everyday. I was so happy and now all I can think about is a way to end it all. Please take care

 

[DogSandwichLove]

Dear DogSandwichLove,
I would ask how you are doing, but I know how you are doing. I think about your words everyday. I was so happy and now all I can think about is a way to end it all. Please take care

I am so sorry you had to go through that. It is so difficult knowing that we weren't able to save them. It causes you to question everything and play every possible scenario over and over in your head. I am so sorry.

 

[Batman2nd]

You are so kind to respond to me. Despite knowing that the entire world experiences loss and tragedy it is your words that have meaning for me. Yesterday was my partners birthday. I see the posts on this site and I feel so bad for the people that are so unhappy, depressed and unloved. My heart breaks for them. I feel selfish because my life was so good yet I was so stupid as to not see the signs that my love was unhappy. I just want to go back in time. I would do anything to change the outcome. I'm in therapy, but I do not think it is helping at all. I hope for your sake, it is helpful. I wish I was as eloquent as you are regarding my partner. The worst thing for me is that I have no belief in the afterlife and I just want to be with him. Once again thank you for responding to me, I hope you are ok and if you are not, I get it. Take care.