Discussion how did you decide to ctb?

[northerner]

hi everyone! i'm brand-new here and curious to know how you all decided to ctb. i've been back-and-forth on whether or not i should end my life for quite awhile and based off of what i've read here, i need to be 100% sure i want to do it before i do it to avoid a "halfway attempt" that leaves me disfigured or worse.

for context, i am on meds for anxiety and depression but i keep getting used to them and raising my dose, but i'm currently at the max dose and i know it's only a matter of time before it wears off and i'll have no other options. i also recently had to drop out of school due to financial instability and i am really struggling to find full-time employment (i work part-time as a music teacher right now). i have very few friends, much of my family is upset with me right now because of some drama that i won't get into right now, and i've never had a partner and it seems unlikely i ever will.

overall, my life just feels very worthless and irredemable and every day has me feeling worse than the last. there's still a tiny voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me that if i do ctb, it'll be right before my life was going to turn around (insert that stupid image of the miner quitting right before he strikes gold) but i also don't see any possible way for my life to turn around right now. i don't know. what's everyone else's motivation for ending it all? how did you come to decide what you were going to do?

p.s. i apologize if any of this is against the rules!! please let me know so i can make appropriate changes as i'm still finding my footing on this forum :)

 

[Justachillguy]

I assume you're asking what made us make the decision to ctb, and if that's the case;

I'm just very angry at my country, and the world in general. I'm not an angry guy per se (I mean, we all have moments when we get mad), but the state of my country (United States) makes my blood boil. On the one hand, you have the administration itself and all of the bs that it's doing. For a while, I was able to convince myself that if I just waited 3 or 4 years, the administration would (hopefully) change for the better. But then I realized, on the other hand, that there are still the people who voted for this admin, and the younger folks who are growing up and will support the stuff this admin is doing, and that just made me even angrier. After some more thinking about it, I realized that there is no realistic future where I live in this country and succeed in "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness". So I've simply determined that death is my new source of happiness. Plus, a shotgun is cheaper than living an additional 60+ years from now (21 y/o) lol.

While I'm not a big Bible reader, I've long since subscribed myself to Ecclesiastes 9:5, "For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for the memory of them is forgotten." I'd rather die and know nothing than live a long and fruitful life knowing that my own neighbors have the propensity to vote in or want potentially harmful stuff, or know that I theoretically could make a change in society, but realistically can't.

 

[fedup1982]

The want to die didn't need a decision. The problem is in theexecution though because governments make all options impossible. Fuck life, fuck society

 

[FuneralCry]

For me I'd just never wish for something as evil, torturous and dreadful as existence that just tortures existing beings worh no limit as to how much agony one can feel rather all I want is true permanent peace, to be conscious burdened with this existence truly is an abomination and I find it horrific how a human can be tortured for decades longer in this existence just to face the agony of old age with no limit as to how much one can be tortured.

For me ceasing to exist would be the positive solution to find peace and escape from the suffering, pain and torture of existing, existence truly does just cause harm and suffering and I see it as the most terrible tragedy how this existence was imposed, for me only non-existence is desirable, only non-existence can solve and take away what I see as the true problem which is existence itself, for me every second is torture to be conscious and my wish to cease existing is a result of wanting peace from the evil of existing that just causes endless amounts of suffering, I wish I could erase this dreadful existence.

 

[sla_porra22]

In my case, I always wanted to die. My first attempt was when I was still a child. I tried to hang myself with a belt in the wardrobe lmao. So it was always something I was determined to do, but it always went wrong. I'm even surprised that I never suffered any permanent damage and people never even found out about it. But I think this year is the year I'm most certain I'm going to commit suicide. This is due to several factors, but the main one was undoubtedly my most recent breakup. Losing that person devastated me, and I feel hopeless, unhappy, and a complete idiot

 

[nintendo64]

I've been passively suicidal my whole life and actively suicidal since I was 13, it's just too hard for me to put in the effort of building a life for myself when I've never even wanted to. I have no direction I want to take and I feel so sad and empty constantly. I don't really understand how anyone can be consistently happy and want to live, the burden of it all is just too much for me. ctb has always seemed like the only answer.

 

[Forveleth]

Welcome to SaSu! Sorry life has brought you to this point.

I have had depression since early teens and sometimes that also came with varying amounts of suicidality. I am 40, I have an established career, and a marriage, and I have experienced a bit of life already. I am only about halfway through my life and, when I think of continuing to live another 40 years, I just do not want to. My attitude is that of "no thank you". Am I going to potentially miss out on a lot of things? Yes. Would I potentially have a better life after this? Sure, maybe. But it is not about quality of life, it is about the mere fact that I exist at all. I am ready to be done existing.

 

[peacefulnights]

I assume you're asking what made us make the decision to ctb, and if that's the case;

I'm just very angry at my country, and the world in general. I'm not an angry guy per se (I mean, we all have moments when we get mad), but the state of my country (United States) makes my blood boil. On the one hand, you have the administration itself and all of the bs that it's doing. For a while, I was able to convince myself that if I just waited 3 or 4 years, the administration would (hopefully) change for the better. But then I realized, on the other hand, that there are still the people who voted for this admin, and the younger folks who are growing up and will support the stuff this admin is doing, and that just made me even angrier. After some more thinking about it, I realized that there is no realistic future where I live in this country and succeed in "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness". So I've simply determined that death is my new source of happiness. Plus, a shotgun is cheaper than living an additional 60+ years from now (21 y/o) lol.

While I'm not a big Bible reader, I've long since subscribed myself to Ecclesiastes 9:5, "For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for the memory of them is forgotten." I'd rather die and know nothing than live a long and fruitful life knowing that my own neighbors have the propensity to vote in or want potentially harmful stuff, or know that I theoretically could make a change in society, but realistically can't.

agreed, boomers fucked us. I would say half my reason is this and the other half was a really unfortunate (abusive, neglectful) childhood. Both of my parents are diagnosed psychopaths. There were signs growing up including both having short-term relationships including with each other to make me lol, but also manipulation, callous unemotional, sadism, etc etc. They harass me through my extended family which they use as a proxy now. I called them out on it and now they ignore/don't want to talk/support me eve again. I guess I am envious of all the kids and people who got to grow up with their parents being a stable floor and wall against external threats. They were the opposite so I had to make my own and just try to survive, forget growing or enjoying life.

So mine is growing up with an + being born into economic + political chaos. Wishing everybody safe travels

 

[northerner]

thank you all for sharing, and i hope you all find the peace you very much deserve <3

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I profoundly mislived my life and there are lot of things I'm ashamed of, big and small. The shame is so great that it's paralyzing. I have lost most of my friends, I live at home, and I have no career or romantic prospects at 36. The future looks horrible, the past looks horrible. All I want is unconsciousness but I am afraid to let the rope around my neck hold my weight. That's all it is. My method scares me. I would take a painless drug in a heartbeat.

 

[rainatthebusstop]

If you're asking on why I want to die it's because people wouldn't care if I lived or died. why should I? Everything is hostile, loud and people know that I'm wrong somehow. More amazed as to why no one has done me the favour to kill me. Then again

As to how I chose my method it was weighing the pros and cons of certain methods and then just saying "screw it" and going with the good old "most statically likely to succeed method plus alcohol and other drugs to make me brave enough to do it". I'm just, like you, afraid to fail, which is why I need to find the perfect spot to do it