How common is what were feeling?

[compulsoryaliveness]

It was only yesterday that I realised just how long I have been *this* depressed, without any relief. I've cycled through it all. Last year, I had psychotic depression for months - that shit was the unbelievable.

It's honestly incredible that I haven't successfully CTB yet. I don't know if anyone else experiences this, but if they do, it will be on this forum - do you ever get plan making fatigue? I feel like there's a certain section of the depression where I finally have everything I need to ctb, including the energy, and then the window closes and I have to have a break.

Anyway, yesterday I realised that I don't know anyone who has been as depressed as me, for as long as me. I've lost a lot of friends over the years, but no one has survived as long as me and also been this depressed.

This forum gives me a lot of solace when I am completely fixating on my future (being dead) but unable to ignite the stamina to get it moving. And so I know a lot of you would know what I'm talking about.

It's hard to know how common it is in general society because it's such a taboo to talk about. But I suppose, how many of you have experienced a daily depression - arbitrarily defined here as a complete lack of pleasure in others, interests or hobbies and a profound lack of energy or momentum and the strong sense that life is not worth living for - consistently, for longer than 18 months?

How common do you think it is?

And do you think the suicidal people who use these forums are more likely to be the long term suicidal? Because I think that's the reason I am method obsessed, and everything has to be in order before I can go. Not because of the forums but because I have spent my entire life thinking about dying and how, and what needs to happen.

Like are we the autistics with a special interest in suicide? Is that an option? I am autistic, and I've never thought about suicide as a special interest. But that does seem pretty right now I think about it. My first suicide note was at 8 years old (as soon as I knew I could get the fuck out of here), and it's never really left me, the interest I mean.

Anyway, power to you all, as you force through with whatever you need for today, whether that's ctb, or lurkering here to get a better plan, or reading the posts to feel less alone in your pain.

Sorry if this isntn suicide discussion, but it is I suppose, and wasn't sure where to post.

 

[whywere]

Ever human is unique upon themselves, and that includes ctb.

I have had massive depression all my lie and now with 24/7 chronic pain, it makes matters worse. However, for me it is all about quantity vs quality. When quantity of life overtakes quality, then decisions will be made.

Walter

 

[compulsoryaliveness]

Ever human is unique upon themselves, and that includes ctb.

I have had massive depression all my lie and now with 24/7 chronic pain, it makes matters worse. However, for me it is all about quantity vs quality. When quantity of life overtakes quality, then decisions will be made.

Walter

Quality over quantity, for sure. It's a good way of articulating it. Thanks for sharing.

Every human is unique, I agree, especially with ctb. But we have patterns when we gather for shared reasons, and patterns in how we think, feel and ultimate act when it comes to suicide are definitely help for me. Making sense of this, and something like validation that I am not entirely alone in living a life so obsessively focused on ending it.

Thank you for your reply

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm a puzzle to myself to be honest. Things don't exactly bring me as much joy or sense of purpose as before but, it's definitely not outright anhedonia for me. I can still lose myself in a video game, really enjoy something nice to eat, love the feel of nature and (nice) weather etc.

I first developed suicidal thoughts aged 10 and, although they've varied in intensity, they haven't left me for 35 years. But then- I can't really have been depressed for 35 years- surely? But then, it's hardly 'normal' to be suicidal either. I just don't know. With me, I think it's maybe something milder but, long term. More like negative ways of thinking have become habitual.

I'm not at a level where I can't function either. It's just a great big horrible struggle. I suppose it's that that I struggle to grasp. Can it truly get so bad that you simply can't physically get out of bed, wash, go to work? Does it start out like that? Or, is it more that our brains fight against it- who actually even does leap out of bed in the morning but- we give in to it so much that we do actually become physically weak- so these things do genuinely become so much harder to do and, convince ourselves to do?

I definitely do get the impression there are a lot of long-term depressed people here. As to the level of their depression- I think that's pretty nuanced. Some are likely suffering more than me but then, they'll mention that they met up with friends- which I don't think I could face now. I think it's a hard thing to measure. It's easy to point at someone and say- well- if you can do that, you can't be that bad.

But definitely- some people have clearly been suffering for a long time here. I suppose the fear of attempting is still so dominant though.

It's a bit of a mix regarding how long people have had ideation. I imagine the majority here have had it for a while. An awful lot have had it since childhood even. Sad really- that things turned shit so early on.

 

[compulsoryaliveness]

I'm a puzzle to myself to be honest. Things don't exactly bring me as much joy or sense of purpose as before but, it's definitely not outright anhedonia for me. I can still lose myself in a video game, really enjoy something nice to eat, love the feel of nature and (nice) weather etc.

I first developed suicidal thoughts aged 10 and, although they've varied in intensity, they haven't left me for 35 years. But then- I can't really have been depressed for 35 years- surely? But then, it's hardly 'normal' to be suicidal either. I just don't know. With me, I think it's maybe something milder but, long term. More like negative ways of thinking have become habitual.

I'm not at a level where I can't function either. It's just a great big horrible struggle. I suppose it's that that I struggle to grasp. Can it truly get so bad that you simply can't physically get out of bed, wash, go to work? Does it start out like that? Or, is it more that our brains fight against it- who actually even does leap out of bed in the morning but- we give in to it so much that we do actually become physically weak- so these things do genuinely become so much harder to do and, convince ourselves to do?

I definitely do get the impression there are a lot of long-term depressed people here. As to the level of their depression- I think that's pretty nuanced. Some are likely suffering more than me but then, they'll mention that they met up with friends- which I don't think I could face now. I think it's a hard thing to measure. It's easy to point at someone and say- well- if you can do that, you can't be that bad.

But definitely- some people have clearly been suffering for a long time here. I suppose the fear of attempting is still so dominant though.

It's a bit of a mix regarding how long people have had ideation. I imagine the majority here have had it for a while. An awful lot have had it since childhood even. Sad really- that things turned shit so early on.

That was nice to read, the part about the video game, nature, food and the (nice) weather. When I've taken my sleeping meds, I can feel those things a little bit if I stay awake for an hour (like now).

Thanks for engaging with the questions, and sharing about yourself and what you see going on. Really appreciate it.

The bit about how it's sad how young we were, yeah. It's devastating really. The brain forms those pathways and it's up the mountain with boulder from there really. Thanks again

 

[moonlightbeach]

i pretty much copy what Forever Sleep said. i'm also very long term depressed, but it's not anhedonia. i've also had suicidal thoughts ever since i was 10 years old.
it very much depends on the person. i think most people here are very knowledgeable and i've read threads of young adults, middle age people, people in their 50's. i used to lurk reddit a lot and there a lot of the op's on the self-harm related forums were in high school.
personally i think i'm a very special case because, i don't wish anyone to live the childhood that i went through, and that must be a part of it. i think the amount of people i met in person with similar history is close to zero. the statistic of people even attempting throughout their life is miniscule. we are more concentrated here because this is just the place to go if you want to talk, and quoting Forever Sleep again, some can't or don't have friends to meet up with in person, and the probability of them being even open to discuss such topics is extremely small.

Like are we the autistics with a special interest in suicide? Is that an option? I am autistic, and I've never thought about suicide as a special interest. But that does seem pretty right now I think about it.

funny story: one of my friends always speculated that i'm autistic, and i already knew for a year or so. we meet up after my attempt. i spend hours talking about my attempt and go in depth with how much i researched, how i spent hours on maps, hours reading, crying, brainstorming. it was after that moment he just straight up told me "yep, you're autistic. no way someone who spends 5 hours every day researching suicide methods isn't autistic". i always loved the eerie horror doomercore stuff, and it's also a big part of me that i cherish a lot but it's like my sacred thing. it can absolutely be a special interest. it's the same as setting a goal and staying on it for a long period of time. you just hook onto it and you reserach and spend a lot of time contributing to your goal.

unrelated: i really like your writing style !

 

[death_bed221]

I feel like most people feel more bad than good on average. It just most people have something to fight for and there is a path for them to succeed even tho its gets bad. I have no path nor nothing to live for so its all bad

 

[usernamesarehard]

It's hard to know how common it is in general society because it's such a taboo to talk about. But I suppose, how many of you have experienced a daily depression - arbitrarily defined here as a complete lack of pleasure in others, interests or hobbies and a profound lack of energy or momentum and the strong sense that life is not worth living for - consistently, for longer than 18 months?

How common do you think it is?

I definitely haven't experienced this. I get times where I have anheodonia, but that's a very recent thing and happens pretty infrequently. I've been depressed and non-actively suicidal since highschool. I've been actively suicidal for 2 months now. The only thing that's stopping me from ctb is a promise I made. Unless things change dramatically, though, I'll be free come November.

And do you think the suicidal people who use these forums are more likely to be the long term suicidal?

Yes. Some people, like me, are here because they aren't ready to ctb, but they need a place to vent. I can't talk to anyone in my life and the pain of holding all this in is difficult to deal with. Others, I think, are here because they're looking for the right method, waiting for the right time, gathering materials, etc.

Also most suicides are impulsive. That's why some people fail. And if someone is committing impulsively they're usually using hanging, jumping, guns, or poison. If someone is here, chances are they're using a method that takes time to gather supplies, they have to be long-term suicidal to get sn or any other equipment needed for a specific method. Gathering material takes time and effort. No one's going to go through the effort of gathering material on the off chance that they might one day decide to ctb. Also some people are here because they already attempted to ctb,, but failed due to lack of knowledge. No one who's not long-term suicidal is attempting multiple times.

 

[compulsoryaliveness]

i pretty much copy what Forever Sleep said. i'm also very long term depressed, but it's not anhedonia. i've also had suicidal thoughts ever since i was 10 years old.
it very much depends on the person. i think most people here are very knowledgeable and i've read threads of young adults, middle age people, people in their 50's. i used to lurk reddit a lot and there a lot of the op's on the self-harm related forums were in high school.
personally i think i'm a very special case because, i don't wish anyone to live the childhood that i went through, and that must be a part of it. i think the amount of people i met in person with similar history is close to zero. the statistic of people even attempting throughout their life is miniscule. we are more concentrated here because this is just the place to go if you want to talk, and quoting Forever Sleep again, some can't or don't have friends to meet up with in person, and the probability of them being even open to discuss such topics is extremely small.

funny story: one of my friends always speculated that i'm autistic, and i already knew for a year or so. we meet up after my attempt. i spend hours talking about my attempt and go in depth with how much i researched, how i spent hours on maps, hours reading, crying, brainstorming. it was after that moment he just straight up told me "yep, you're autistic. no way someone who spends 5 hours every day researching suicide methods isn't autistic". i always loved the eerie horror doomercore stuff, and it's also a big part of me that i cherish a lot but it's like my sacred thing. it can absolutely be a special interest. it's the same as setting a goal and staying on it for a long period of time. you just hook onto it and you reserach and spend a lot of time contributing to your goal.

unrelated: i really like your writing style !

Haha - yes that's the autistic energy I'm seeing here and feeling in myself. It does feel like suicide has become part of how I regulate. And the details, not just the relief of dying. I have so many plans, back up methods that are as good as the top one. I think it's part of why I'm still here, because as I said, many of my friends have killed themselves over these decade, so my plan involves a lot of safeguards to dealing with my death. I have entire wish list of how I want the memorial to go, with boxes labelled for who has to deal with them, and even a list of people who have money and can afford to contribute to a funeral (ordered from most rich to least). Those plans are for the person I've chosen to deal with it, and that person was chosen because they're so reliably resilient with difficult moments and people. Anyway, yes. The planning. I've been in too many fucked up group dynamics after my friends have died trying to organise this shit. I don't want to give anyone that hell on top of being dead.

Over this last stretch of 18 months+ of severe and truly unrelenting depression, I've become more isolated than I've ever been, but for reasons that baffle the mental health system and myself to be honest, I've always had long standing, close relationships with non-family. And a lot of them have been absolutely depressed, suicidal or otherwise in immense distress. And I do think people share how they're feeling with me a lot (a gift and a curse), which is why I had this moment of realising none of them actually understand *this* level of depression- but maybe from what you're both saying, it's the anhedonia that's so defining this time around.

Also, I appreciate you saying about the writing style. If I wasn't so depressed, it might have forced me back into writing again. But I just cannot be bothered, haha.

 

[ididnotconsent]

Well, considering that about 800,000 people commit suicide each year worldwide, I'd wager a lot. Not to mention the people who failed and ended up crippled or those who are passively depressed/suicidal.

 

[Unknown21]

I have been like this since early childhood, my life circumstances make it a lot harder.