Venting how am i supposed to stay friends with someone that outgrew me but i'm still the same?

[eggsausagerice]

i only seem to feel bad about myself when i talk to him but he feels bad because i'm imagining how much better his life is and how much happier he is after he moved away. i've been going through a very rough time dealing with my suicidal thoughts and being stuck with them all day because i don't leave my house to go to college or work, so unless i'm spending time with people from my college then i'm just in my high school bedroom. and he's in an apartment, with friends, with a job, with a partner, with hobbies that he doesn't have just to cope with how miserable his life is. i want to be like him and be around him, but every time i've tried to meet up with him since he moved i just seem to resent him more and more. i just think i'll yell at him the next time i meet him even though i want to meet him because i want him to hate me or realize that i'm a shitty person that'll never be worth his time and that he'll always be better than me. i worry/worried about him liking other people more than me all the time and before and after he moved i kept telling him that once he made friends he could talk to them and ignore me. he's busy with his work and friends now. i'm not, obviously. i don't have anything to be doing. i just have things i can choose to fill my time with or i can lay in bed. my eczema is showing up again because i scratch myself when i'm stressed.

i know i'm still privileged for having irl friends even though i still feel very different from them and like they would outcast me or say i'm being depressing if i ever talked about wanting to commit sucide openly, but i wish i was more like the friend i was talking about and had friends that i felt like could understand me. because i think he's able to understand me the most and i'm jealous of that too. it means he's a good friend and i can try to be a good friend to other people the way he is, but i feel like if my friends knew him they would like him more than me even if they've never met him in their life. everyone just seems to like him more than me. people i'm not friends with tell me i'm hostile and offputting for not looking or sounding outwardly happy. i don't know why i think this way because it obviously puts me down so much and it makes him sound like he's better than everyone else. it seems much less difficult to not have him in my life while i go forward with my plans to commit suicide and hide it from everyone than it is to keep talking to him, because i want to hear from him and have him understand me when my friends don't. i tried to hookup to find someone to keep me distracted but i just ended up feeling more and more repulsed by men because they were attracted to me and i wasn't. sex is meaningless if i only say yes because i want someone to like me. i hate the smell of smoke. i hate talking to people who smoke. i don't want to be in a bar and i don't want to be objectified by people just to have someone new to talk to. i don't understand what i'm meant to do. i don't want to be left behind, but i don't want to stay if he doesn't want me. it's so painful to want to be friends with him. i don't feel like i deserve to be his friend if i hate him for his success and happiness when we both used to be depressed and at rock bottom together. he doesn't know how to talk to me now that he's happy. he thinks that things will get better for me and every time he says that i just want to say something really mean because i know he only thinks that because things got better for him. everyone that recovered from their depression thinks that.

 

[instormdrains]

I know this sounds really corny but life isn't a competition. Just becuase he has some success being resentful is only going to damage the relationship between you guys and not help you out. You mentioned you have some irl friends which is better than a bunch of people here but its not really fair to resent you for it. Jealousy is one thing but admiration is another. Try and be supportive for his good qualities im sure you have some that you may not even be aware of since he still likes you.

 

[eggsausagerice]

I know this sounds really corny but life isn't a competition. Just becuase he has some success being resentful is only going to damage the relationship between you guys and not help you out. You mentioned you have some irl friends which is better than a bunch of people here but its not really fair to resent you for it.

i've always thought he was better than me since i met him. i had even less to my personality before i met him because my sister always made fun of me and i tried to copy the people around me to fit in but nothing stuck because i still lacked a clear sense of identity. because he was older than me by a few years and attended university before dropping out and going to college again, i admired him. i still do, obviously. i think he's great and it's hard to ignore that even though i wish i could be as successful and independent as him i still consider him a great friend for wanting to continue to talk to me. i say things to try to hurt him and he knows i'm doing it to make him hate me. i've struggled with low self esteem since we've been friends and even though meeting him has made my life significantly better than it was before, the loss of him after he moved made me realize how hard it is to get close to people and to be understood by others. i think the resentment must stem from how i can't replace him and how i struggle to make friends when i don't leave my house and don't have hobbies that involve being around people. if people on the forum hate me for having friends i don't really mind, even if it's unfair, because i feel jealous of people that talk about having partners when i don't have one.

it's really hard to juggle how much i like him and how much i hate him when i know he can just talk to someone that he hangs out with in real life and someone that doesn't feel jealous of him in the first place. i know that having an insecure friend like me is grating and it feels like not talking to him would just make his life easier. it feels like he avoids talking about how i'm a burden because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but i know that i'm a difficult person. i just don't want to hurt him more than i already have. i don't know how to salvage the friendship if i always seem to end up in the same place, but it's hard to end it if i still like him. the reason that i compare myself so much to him is because my parents have always compared me to my sister. my sister's always been more talented and hardworking than me, so they wanted me to be like her, but i just ended up being lazy and self hating because it felt like my sister would just accomplish more than me and i would always fall short anyway. i know that doesn't mean that i'm allowed to compare myself to him, but i just wanted to say that i've always thought like this. it feels like depressed people in particular are meant to feel ashamed of themselves because they're always seen as not choosing to get better by their parents.