Venting hoping horrible things would happen

[interna]

i understand im a bad person so please don't flame me or tell me "you don't actually want XYZ to happen", i know. thanks. trigger warning for mention of abuse and rape, i guess

do any of you also wish for bad things to happen to you or your loved ones as a means to finally get the push you need to catch the bus?
i find myself hoping family members or pets die, hoping i get abused again or that i get sexually assaulted, that i lose my belongings, that i get kicked out, that something just truly irreparably tragic happens to me so i can extinguish the last bit of hope i have and find the courage to kill myself. in a way, i envy those who have had these things happen to them, because they'd be way more justified in ending themselves than someone like me.

i struggle a lot with these thoughts because they're horrible. but i can't help it. i just wanna be done with it..

 

[Melancholys]

i understand im a bad person so please don't flame me or tell me "you don't actually want XYZ to happen", i know. thanks. trigger warning for mention of abuse and rape, i guess

do any of you also wish for bad things to happen to you or your loved ones as a means to finally get the push you need to catch the bus?
i find myself hoping family members or pets die, hoping i get abused again or that i get sexually assaulted, that i lose my belongings, that i get kicked out, that something just truly irreparably tragic happens to me so i can extinguish the last bit of hope i have and find the courage to kill myself. in a way, i envy those who have had these things happen to them, because they'd be way more justified in ending themselves than someone like me.

i struggle a lot with these thoughts because they're horrible. but i can't help it. i just wanna be done with it..

I can't say for wishing for things to happen to others but I definitely have wished for things to happen to myself. I think it's understandable to an extent as really your brain wants out but isn't able to rationalize it well probably or fully get over the SI and you're aware of it, that the SI is there, so it's trying to search for an out. Something to make that SI go away.

 

[aufrechtm7]

i understand im a bad person so please don't flame me or tell me "you don't actually want XYZ to happen", i know. thanks. trigger warning for mention of abuse and rape, i guess

do any of you also wish for bad things to happen to you or your loved ones as a means to finally get the push you need to catch the bus?
i find myself hoping family members or pets die, hoping i get abused again or that i get sexually assaulted, that i lose my belongings, that i get kicked out, that something just truly irreparably tragic happens to me so i can extinguish the last bit of hope i have and find the courage to kill myself. in a way, i envy those who have had these things happen to them, because they'd be way more justified in ending themselves than someone like me.

i struggle a lot with these thoughts because they're horrible. but i can't help it. i just wanna be done with it..

There are easier ways to possibly rid yourself of that hope that aren't harmful to others or self destructive, but it kind of hinges on how much empathy you have for others in my experience.

 

[ireallywasnttogopls]

Yes this is exactly how I feel

When you are on the edge , living is unbearably painful but you are too afraid to die, just want that final push to solidify ur feelings

 

[thelostautistic]

I don't wish for bad things to happen to me anymore but I used to about 5 years ago. I would drink a lot and wander the streets hoping something awful would happen to me because I had no regard or care for my safety. I feel like I deserved it. It's really scary to look back on that time. I'm very lucky and grateful that nothing did happen. Saying that though I still have intrusive thoughts about bad things happening to me and people I care about. It causes me a lot of anxiety and I don't like to leave the house because of it.

I do understand where you are coming from though. Just know that your pain is valid even if these things haven't happened to you

 

[ThroughTheLight]

You're definitely not alone. I always wish for bad things to happen to me, especially horrible traumas like sexual abuse. The main reason is so that I can feel miserable enough to not care about consequences and just try to ctb, but it would also make me feel more valid in being suicidal. I don't wish harm on people much anymore, but I definitely used to when I was even more miserable than I am now.

I don't think you're a bad person. Many "good people" would think similarly if they ended up with a severe mental illness. A lot of people just don't understand the depths of how bad depression can get.

 

[hurb]

i wouldnt say to extinguish the hope, the hope doesnt exist anymore. rather to give me the impulse necessary to end it

 

[claeasi]

i understand im a bad person so please don't flame me or tell me "you don't actually want XYZ to happen", i know. thanks. trigger warning for mention of abuse and rape, i guess

do any of you also wish for bad things to happen to you or your loved ones as a means to finally get the push you need to catch the bus?
i find myself hoping family members or pets die, hoping i get abused again or that i get sexually assaulted, that i lose my belongings, that i get kicked out, that something just truly irreparably tragic happens to me so i can extinguish the last bit of hope i have and find the courage to kill myself. in a way, i envy those who have had these things happen to them, because they'd be way more justified in ending themselves than someone like me.

i struggle a lot with these thoughts because they're horrible. but i can't help it. i just wanna be done with it..

I've thought about something bad happening to me and even wished for it... But what for, after all? Just to convince yourself that you really deserve to die?
I understand you perfectly, but in the end, almost everyone who doesn't understand the mind of someone who is suicidal will think we committed a horrible sin, whether there's a justification for it or not...
Your pain is no less because you haven't suffered "too much".

 

[yotaka]

Not sure if this is relevant, but I sometimes daydream about a catastrophic disaster occurring. A supervolcano or an asteroid or something like that, everyone leaping into the void together, nobody left to mourn. It's kind of beautiful in a way...

 

[hurb]

Not sure if this is relevant, but I sometimes daydream about a catastrophic disaster occurring. A supervolcano or an asteroid or something like that, everyone leaping into the void together, nobody left to mourn. It's kind of beautiful in a way...

yeah , if everyone is miserable then no one rly is because now its the new status quo. I would find so much solace in finding everyone around me hopeless and as miserable as me.

 

[madwoman]

Yeah for myself. I wish that I had some incurable disease with a time limit like getting cancer or dementia or something where I end my life bc I don't want to suffer that disease. Something is happening to me that is getting worse but it's not something that could kill me just make my life worse - I do need to be at such a low point with no hope at all left and I need to very soon.

 

[systemic_livestock]

i understand im a bad person so please don't flame me or tell me "you don't actually want XYZ to happen", i know. thanks. trigger warning for mention of abuse and rape, i guess

do any of you also wish for bad things to happen to you or your loved ones as a means to finally get the push you need to catch the bus?
i find myself hoping family members or pets die, hoping i get abused again or that i get sexually assaulted, that i lose my belongings, that i get kicked out, that something just truly irreparably tragic happens to me so i can extinguish the last bit of hope i have and find the courage to kill myself. in a way, i envy those who have had these things happen to them, because they'd be way more justified in ending themselves than someone like me.

i struggle a lot with these thoughts because they're horrible. but i can't help it. i just wanna be done with it..

The sexual assault thing is so real, frankly my issues on paper dont sound too bad but just being bullied all my life weights down on me and it hurts to go outside or be in public. I wanna make friends but when I do I just stress out about how if I say or do the wrong thing they'll leave me. I just wanna be able to justify my sucide in the note so I'm not looked down apon for being a pathetic troon who turned to sucide just because.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Myself, yeah. Other people, no. Wishing harm on them to benefit yourself is... interesting.

I do think that's a step-up from just yearning for things to hurt you so you "give up." Even as someone who's been through the stuff that people often "yearn for," I can sympathize with people wanting it for themselves out of desperation.

 

[arrythmia]

I do too, I've wished horrible things to happen to me, get raped or assaulted or get cancer (fun fact, i have a fistula and abscess in my gum for 2 years now and i wish for it sometimes to be cancerous) I'm broke and can't get it fixed btw
So yeah i get the feeling, it's horrible and make me feel guilty and disgusting.

 

[hellstar_paradox]

Honestly I don't think your a horrible person for feeling this way, I have a lot of similar thoughts but for different reasons, although for me I wish that bad things would happen to me because I grew up in a very "trauma Olympics-y" household, and my trauma was never "good enough" to matter, so maybe it's different, but I still think you're valid for feeling this way