Venting hi

[ungodly]

this isnt really anything im just posting this to say that i'm here and still alive lol. not like i'm expecting anybody on here to actively wonder if i am but the past 3ish weeks have been fucking crazy so it's kinda nice for me to allow myself to recognize that.

in the past 19 days i have almost successfully hanged myself and got a minor (temporary) brain injury in the process, had staff at the crisis center call 911 on me and was thrown into an ambulance, got admitted to the trauma unit in the ER and was placed on a 72 hour hold by my county's pd (i only did like 7 or 8 tho lol), been forced to write atleast 5 safety plans, split on my ex probably like 100 fucking times, started iop, relapsed back into my alcoholism after a month, and smoked a shit ton of cigarettes i found on laying the sidewalk lmao.

idk what im trying to achieve by posting this here since ik i prolly shouldn't expose myself to this site anymore but despite everything i'm still here. i dont feel like im getting much of anywhere w/ recovery yet, but im atleast im actively giving myself the chance for things to turn around and that's something i dont think i've ever done before. i still fucking hate my life the majority of the time but i'm alive and thats something atleast lol

 

[orpheus_]

I think allowing the possibility that things can get better is already something, and I'm glad you want it! Damn what you were going through recently really sounds crazy for not even 3 weeks. I hope you will be able to have a calmer time now

 

[timf]

A lot of life consists of making experiments to find out what works and what doesn't work. It can take some time, but as you discover more things that work, life gets better.