Help me to keep on living

[Sadsadsad0000]

I hate myself. I hate my existence. I hate things about myself. I have very bad PTSD and everything reminds me of why I hate myself. Sometimes I try to carry on as normal. There's even times where I don't hate myself and don't want to die but when I am reminded of how much I hate being trans, having learning disabilities, and physical disabilities, it makes me just want to die. I have fantasized about killing myself for years but never went through with it. My partner loves me so much. So does my family and my friends... but I am numb. I just fake a smile and tell them all I love them but when I see myself in the mirror and think about how much I hurt everyone around me, I shut down. I just want to die and not know it so I don't suffer. I don't want to attempt suicide and then regret it like I know I will and be in medical debt and embarrassment for putting my family through that again. I don't want to die, though... but after years of therapy and still being unable to get over my self-loathing, pushing people away, and hurting them by instilling them the same emotional beatings that have been put on me, I just don't see an alternative. I have issues with myself that make me a complete asshole deep-down. I didn't use to hate trans people until I found out that I myself was trans. Now that I'm disabled, I hate disabled people too. I don't want to feel this way. I just hate myself so much that it has corrupted my sentiments about everything that I see in myself. No one has been able to help me. I hate my existence and, sometimes, I'm really good about forgetting that and I'm nice to be around but when I remember, I fly off the handle and hurt myself and anyone who is close to me during these times. I just want to stop. I just want to be normal. How the hell am I supposed to live like this?! I want to live but I don't see myself getting better. How can I? I have everything I want in my life. I've been building skills and coping mechanisms for years. I still hurt people and make them worse for being around me. I still have comtempt for myself. Convince me that there's a reason to not pursue an early retirment from life.

 

[meemee]

Do you have hobbies? Interests? Things you wanna try? Do you think these could distract you even for a bit? Maybe if your brain is occupied with something else you could forget about those thoughts for a while. Keep your hands full. Or disassociate.

 

[Lions303]

Hiya, firstly im really sorry you're in this situation right now. Is there anything you do like or love doing? To me, it just seems like an extreme amount of pressure youre going through and you say youre partner loves you. So you are lovable and rightfully so. I want you to see what your partner see in you to love you

 

[traumer]

You have no reason to hate yourself for being trans or disabled these things are not making you any less than anyone. You are so worthy of love and you deserve to love and to be loved. You don't have to do everything in a perfect order but here you are still surviving even though everything that you gone through that means you are such a strong person. I mean sometimes you don't have to be strong you can just feel what you are feeling but know at the end you will be fine. I got that vibrant energy from you and your post that you are still trying after everything and that's beautiful. Sometimes I feel the same things as you, I also have a learning disability and it made me feel so less than anyone like i'm not capable of their bare minimum but as I grow up I start to see that this is not what makes a human we all have ups and downs but we still do our best to stay alive for us and our loved ones. You deserve a great life with your partner and your family wherever you want whatever you want to do I believe you can. Please take care of yourself you matter to me even though I don't even know your name

 

[womanactually]

Hey! trans girl here. its very powerful of you to discover that you are trans, i can't imagine the feelings you go through, i hope you can try things to look forward to. do you have any plans for hrt? any life goals? maybe try something that is not physically or mentally tiring, like crochet. it will also help if you take a break with heavy stuff you have to go through like studies or job, i hope your family can help you with that.