Story Having second thoughts

[almaPerdida]

I already ordered my SN, AE, painkillers and wrote a letter. I was planning on doing this month, but i don't know anymore. I am feeling a temporary happiness but deep down i know it's just temporary and i will feel empty again soon. But i also feel a little bit of hope. Been talking to my parents that this year i plan to finish my studies, get a job and leave home. I really wanna live alone, adopt a cat and become independent.

I am not sure if fulfilling these dreams will actually make me wanna live. I am scared that despite having plans and achieving things, i will want to CTB anyway. Still questioning whether i should just CTB and end it all or if i should try to live a normal life. I know i can and have potential, but it still seems pointless. I have everything planned but still feeling lost as hell. And feeling broken as hell on the inside too.

I want someone to love me and say everything is gonna be ok, but my last attempts at love let me broken and it's hard to trust people nowadays. I tried to focus on my studies and job but it doesn't work like that. I just wish things were a bit easier on me, that's all. Maybe i should give life a try and just have my stuff ready in case i decide to CTB at some point.

 

[CRT Seal TV]

Giving life a try is always worth it. Don't go looking for love, but don't deny it if you feel it. Honestly, the idea of a cat is keeping me alive right now. Getting one would put a permanent damper on your suicidal tendencies, simply out of obligation, although its love will matter too. If you feel happy for long enough you could even get rid of the SN, similar in idea to removing cigs from a recovering smoker. Good Luck!

 

[almaPerdida]

Giving life a try is always worth it. Don't go looking for love, but don't deny it if you feel it. Honestly, the idea of a cat is keeping me alive right now. Getting one would put a permanent damper on your suicidal tendencies, simply out of obligation, although its love will matter too. If you feel happy for long enough you could even get rid of the SN, similar in idea to removing cigs from a recovering smoker. Good Luck!

Yeah, i think you are right. My ultimate goal is having my own space, where i live on my own and bring any friends or anyone i want to my place. Have my own cat and a new job. And you are right about love, i should focus on myself more, i'm thinking about going back to the gym. Thanks a lot for this reply.

 

[Celerity]

Give this new life a try before you go. You are right to suspect that it will not change everything. Been there and done that. Yes, the disappointment was crushing, but you seem to have a more reasonable take on this than I did years ago. You're not going in expecting a miracle, just better. And better can be good enough.

 

[boddibo]

There's nothing wrong with having second thoughts. As nozomu said, SN is good for two years, it doesn't mean you have to take it right away. If you want to try things, try them! A bit of hope isn't so bad sometimes, ofc we can't predict how it'll turn out, but you seem to have goals in life which is a good thing. I wish you luck.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I think you're right in giving this new life a try, there is no issue with having second thoughts and if you have reasonable doubt then it's worth giving life another try. You can always ctb later, you can keep your SN and have that way out as plan B if plan A doesn't work out.

That can be quite calming if you think about it. You already did the hard part of getting the SN, now you have the freedom to ctb whenever you desire and that can be later.

You sound similar to me regarding wanting to have your own place, job and cat. Those were my wishes too. I think having a cat can bring goodness into your life. My cat was my best friend and we had a very deep connection, I will never forget her.

I wish you best of luck with this new life and I wish you find a lovely cat that brings you happiness.

Gosto muito do teu username também. Mais uma alma perdida.

 

[almaPerdida]

Give this new life a try before you go. You are right to suspect that it will not change everything. Been there and done that. Yes, the disappointment was crushing, but you seem to have a more reasonable take on this than I did years ago. You're not going in expecting a miracle, just better. And better can be good enough.

Thanks, i think you are right, specially about expecting a miracle. Getting better is already better anyway haha. Hope things get better for you too.

SN is good for two years. It's never too late to catch the bus, but once you board you can't disembark.

I'm trying this myself while having an even more lethal method at my disposal... It isn't easy sometimes, but I do try to reassure myself that the bus is always there, waiting.

For real, you are right. Catching the bus is a decision i can't undo, so i really need to think this through. If i'm not sure, it's because it isn't the time yet. And i have two years to decide. Even then, it's really easy to buy SN in Brazil anyway, so i can come back to this plan later if i want. Thanks for this insight and i hope things get better for you too, i always see your comments around and you look like a nice person. You are always helping people in here and i hope your life gets better too.

There's nothing wrong with having second thoughts. As nozomu said, SN is good for two years, it doesn't mean you have to take it right away. If you want to try things, try them! A bit of hope isn't so bad sometimes, ofc we can't predict how it'll turn out, but you seem to have goals in life which is a good thing. I wish you luck.

That's true, i can always wait and plan better too. I will keep chasing my goals to distract myself for now. Maybe this year i will turn my life around. Thanks a lot!

I think you're right in giving this new life a try, there is no issue with having second thoughts and if you have reasonable doubt then it's worth giving life another try. You can always ctb later, you can keep your SN and have that way out as plan B if plan A doesn't work out.

That can be quite calming if you think about it. You already did the hard part of getting the SN, now you have the freedom to ctb whenever you desire and that can be later.

You sound similar to me regarding wanting to have your own place, job and cat. Those were my wishes too. I think having a cat can bring goodness into your life. My cat was my best friend and we had a very deep connection, I will never forget her.

I wish you best of luck with this new life and I wish you find a lovely cat that brings you happiness.

Gosto muito do teu username também. Mais uma alma perdida.

Absolutely, there's no rushing with CTB. I'm glad you guys put this into my perspective now. I will always have that SN ready by me.
Yeah those 3 wishes are what i desire the most right now, having full independence and my cat. I am sorry for your cat but i'm glad you have good memories with her and had a good time.
Thank you so much! Hope things get better for you too.
Obrigado pelos conselhos e pelo encorajamento. Espero que logo não sejamos mais almas perdidas.