Venting Having a personality disorder is killing me

[nooneyouknow]

I can't stand feeling like this it's absolutely killing me, I feel fucking insane. I hate having a favorite person because I feel so much dread and anxiety and I'm scared whenever she mentions hanging out with someone who isn't me. It takes so much for me not to react or anything but fuck it's so hard and I'm so tired of dealing with this constantly. The intense emotions, the mood swings, the consistent inconsistently. It's so tiring. I've thought abt CTB because of to be honest. It's been on going for years and I'm not in place where I can do anything for it, I'm tired of feeling insane and wrong all the time. The worst part is I can only speculate what's wrong with me, I don't have any damn confirmation. It's ruining my ability to just do shit as a normal functioning person and it's shameful and embarrassing. I think if I were to check out, it would be something out of pity. A mercy kill even, because I can't imagine going into my life and still having to deal with the same shit I've been dealing with since I was like 10. I made a deal with myself at 12 if I didn't feel better at 24, i got to CTB. I figured I'd give myself another life time to figure my shit out and it's only gotten worse. Just eugh god, i hate being mentally ill, I've always been this way. I was never given the chance to actually be a kid the same way my peers were and I fear that pattern won't ever stop. I don't think this even sounds coherent, I've just been an anxious mess I needed to get something out there in hopes it helps

 

[Worndown]

Is there any way you can take these self observations and talk to a professional?
Some organizations and churches have outreach programs that can help if cost is a problem.
Doing anything that direction can only help.

 

[nooneyouknow]

there's nothing I really do know of atm but I'll look into it, maybe there'll be something

 

[justwannadip]

In the same boat my friend. Seems like BPD will be the death of me

 

[-Tandem-]

I can't stand feeling like this it's absolutely killing me, I feel fucking insane. I hate having a favorite person because I feel so much dread and anxiety and I'm scared whenever she mentions hanging out with someone who isn't me. It takes so much for me not to react or anything but fuck it's so hard and I'm so tired of dealing with this constantly. The intense emotions, the mood swings, the consistent inconsistently. It's so tiring. I've thought abt CTB because of to be honest. It's been on going for years and I'm not in place where I can do anything for it, I'm tired of feeling insane and wrong all the time. The worst part is I can only speculate what's wrong with me, I don't have any damn confirmation. It's ruining my ability to just do shit as a normal functioning person and it's shameful and embarrassing. I think if I were to check out, it would be something out of pity. A mercy kill even, because I can't imagine going into my life and still having to deal with the same shit I've been dealing with since I was like 10. I made a deal with myself at 12 if I didn't feel better at 24, i got to CTB. I figured I'd give myself another life time to figure my shit out and it's only gotten worse. Just eugh god, i hate being mentally ill, I've always been this way. I was never given the chance to actually be a kid the same way my peers were and I fear that pattern won't ever stop. I don't think this even sounds coherent, I've just been an anxious mess I needed to get something out there in hopes it helps

Yeah it's fucking hard. A huge reason i didn't even try to get help is because i knew i was fucked but i didn't want to confirm. But i did at 25. I'm still fucked idk. Not everyone is meant to live this life

 

[nooneyouknow]

In the same boat my friend. Seems like BPD will be the death of me

wishing the best for you dude cause seriously this shit is purgatory

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, it must be so tiring what you are going through, I find it so immensely cruel how people suffer so all through no fault of their own. But anyway best wishes.

 

[hematomatema]

Same but (very probably) Schizoid. Even worse when you see people online go "Oh, yeah, personality disorders aren't curable, enjoy the next 60-70 years of your life with this :^))))))"

 

[elvvsie]

I get you <3

 

[lita-lassi]

youre coherent and heard its worth trying to look into getting a diagnosis if only to understand better where your reactions come from and possibly map yourself a way to cause less chaos to yourself and those around you, be it from therapy, meds or self-reflection. im so sorry it feels like such a death sentence. from someone whos partner is badly bpd, its certainly a struggle but there is hope and there are ways to manage most conditions. i hope youre able to find something/someone to help you out

 

[nooneyouknow]

Same but (very probably) Schizoid. Even worse when you see people online go "Oh, yeah, personality disorders aren't curable, enjoy the next 60-70 years of your life with this :^))))))"

god that's always the worst because wdym this it? this is how my life is gonna be forever?

 

[Temporal_Anchorite]

there's nothing I really do know of atm but I'll look into it, maybe there'll be something

Try looking for a DBT class near you and enrolling in that.

I've got BPD w/NPD traits and personally, it didn't help me much and it was a bit awkward because I was literally the only dude in it, but it's definitely worth a shot.