Sabriel
for in that sleep of death what dreams may come
- Jul 23, 2019
- 209
From the earliest I can remember I've been emotionally and verbally mistreated by people. I remember my mother screaming at me for being weak when I was crying, I remember my father telling me to apologize over and over again through the locked door of my room, I remember other children telling me I was ugly and weird. My teachers hating me for being sullen in class, counselors telling me I was a burden to my family, strangers frowning and averting their eyes...it's just never seemed to stop.
I've never felt likable. Or been a sympathetic character because I'd eventually get angry and start using the same tactics to tear down whoever was hurting me at the time. Every relationship I've had has ended in bitter animosity and every friendship ended in argument. And I've eventually just come to feel deeply misanthropic; there's not a person I've met in my entire life that I couldn't find something I disliked or outright hated about them.
I hate myself for feeling this way, but it's not to say I don't find things I love or find beautiful about others. I feel strongly about LGBTQ rights and despise any sort of display of homophobia or racism, so in those instances I feel like taking a stand and championing a cause. Sometimes art and music still moves me, or I feel a deep sense of empathy for others' suffering. Or someone's smile and kind words lights up the whole world for me. Maybe this is evidence that I'm not a completely terrible person but I'm not sure...I feel like the majority of the time I'm consumed by rage and depression. But that I'm sympathetic to the human condition? I don't know, I feel like my entire life is a contradiction in terms.
This will be the longest post I've put on the forum thus far, usually I'm just reading and liking posts. I'm so awkward and stilted that it's hard for me to really express what I want to say...but I guess I'm curious to know if anyone else experiences their life like this, just absolutely fucking hating everything? I'm pretty sure this will eventually drive me to kill myself despite how much I'm trying to fix my life right now...but I hope that after I die I either experience peace or nothing at all because it's unbearable to feel this way.
I've never felt likable. Or been a sympathetic character because I'd eventually get angry and start using the same tactics to tear down whoever was hurting me at the time. Every relationship I've had has ended in bitter animosity and every friendship ended in argument. And I've eventually just come to feel deeply misanthropic; there's not a person I've met in my entire life that I couldn't find something I disliked or outright hated about them.
I hate myself for feeling this way, but it's not to say I don't find things I love or find beautiful about others. I feel strongly about LGBTQ rights and despise any sort of display of homophobia or racism, so in those instances I feel like taking a stand and championing a cause. Sometimes art and music still moves me, or I feel a deep sense of empathy for others' suffering. Or someone's smile and kind words lights up the whole world for me. Maybe this is evidence that I'm not a completely terrible person but I'm not sure...I feel like the majority of the time I'm consumed by rage and depression. But that I'm sympathetic to the human condition? I don't know, I feel like my entire life is a contradiction in terms.
This will be the longest post I've put on the forum thus far, usually I'm just reading and liking posts. I'm so awkward and stilted that it's hard for me to really express what I want to say...but I guess I'm curious to know if anyone else experiences their life like this, just absolutely fucking hating everything? I'm pretty sure this will eventually drive me to kill myself despite how much I'm trying to fix my life right now...but I hope that after I die I either experience peace or nothing at all because it's unbearable to feel this way.
