Discussion Has being suicidal and/ or antinatalist changed your relationship with your parents?

[Forever Sleep]

Whether it's reasonable or not, I've developed very strong antinatalist sentiments. I spend a good portion of each day (privately) cursing my parents for having brought me here and exposing me to all the shit that's happened. A fair bit of it was predictable too.

On the one hand, I suppose I feel like it's reasonable to lay blame. It should/ must have been obvious that certain things very likely would turn out this way.

On the other though, my parents weren't bad people. They didn't act with mallice. Plus, I do genuinely love them.

It's just this weird swaying back and forth between feeling angry and resentful and annoyed to feeling bad about that. To also realising that they are aware that things have shifted- so, feeling bad about that too.

All of it just makes me wish I'd died ages ago. I don't enjoy feeling like this. Also to say, I don't feel able to CTB until my Dad goes. (My Mum is already dead.) So, I absolutely love him enough to not want to do that to him. It's all so complicated though.

What are your relationships with your parents like? Has it changed since you became suicidal? Do you feel resentment at them for birthing you and, are you able to conceal that?

 

[Pluto]

 

[Satori Komeiji]

I've been suicidal for about 10 years and I've kept it bottled away from my mom the whole time. So I don't think much of anything has changed relationship-wise. If anything did change, so much time has passed that it's unlikely I would remember anyways.

 

[Namelesa]

Yes definitely. Before being like this I would say I loved my mum and was more mixed with dad as he was somewhat unfriendly and scary sometimes. Since me being antinatalist and very very suicidal I hated them more and more as they are what caused the start to my life of suffering and then force me to continue with it by trapping me and preventing my suicide as much as possible when I could have just not existed and been absolutely fine. I feel like if they actually cared about me then they would fix their mistake and allow me to die but they don't so i will continue to feel this way about them. At this point I don't really feel any guilt if i hurt my parents in anyway as i feel like they fully deserve it for doing this to me. I am not able to hide these feelings at all and often blame them and guilt them for what they done but nothing really comes from it. Mum still says she "loves" me while dad is more annoyed with me.

 

[Michelstaedter]

At times I felt a certain resentment, more for their bad marriage (it has been a total disaster), but deep down I feel that it is immature to blame them because being born into a family like that is random, it is not as if I had to choose them and frankly I do not consider them to be the worst or to have much responsibility for what I feel.

Currently, I only feel a little sadness that they will suffer the day I die, but I am determined to do it because in the end it is a thoughtful, lucid and, above all, personal decision. I am not doing it out of contempt for them, nor to cause them pain, otherwise, while I was alive, I would do things that would cause them discomfort.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Mostly no. I have always had a somewhat "standoffish" relationship with my parents; this sounds harsh, but I cannot think of the correct term or word to describe the relationship... how about rarely seeing "eye to eye" instead? Anyhow: being suicidal has not affected my relationship with them too much since it has always been this way, and would be regardless of me having suicidal thoughts; though it certainly does fuel my desire to die sometimes, but I think this is more a general feeling of being trapped and not having my own space rather than who my parents are as people.