Venting Had an opportunity to kill myself today and I didn't fucking take it.

[Namelesa Graves]

So today I had a no one one in million time opportunity for me in which I could actually killed myself using an effective method, being full suspension hanging as I had one hour in the house alone. Reason for me not having any other opportunity was with how I am trapped at home by my family and not allowed to go outside on my own to jump off somewhere or buy supplies to kill myself so seems logical to me to take this now when I am all alone and can do it anywhere in the house and no one there is no risk of them stopping me in the middle of it.

But I didn't fucking go for it. I hate myself so much for this. I was so close. I had my noose tied high up the stairs and would just need to climb over the banister and I would be dead. I got to the point where I was on the other side of it and was stuck and couldn't get back to the other side for a while. It would of been less effort to just let go and die but no I had to somehow able to climb back the other side despite the extreme pain of me climbing back up.

It would of been better for me to be dead for myself and others to an extent. I don't see a point in living for myself when I could be dead and be okay in non-existence where I can not feel, do, want or feel or regret or suffer in any way again. Only reason for me to exist is to benefit others but I fail at that often. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore and me not existing anymore means I can not harm anyone again. I would prefer to recover to be able to benefit others but that isn't for certain I would of rather taken my chances with killing myself than trying to continue this hell.

I don't want to hurt people or cause any issues with people that don't deserve it but I feel empty on my own but I also too afraid of others leaving me. I am so pathetic that all of this started from a break up from a 2 and half month relationship from 3 years, nearly 4 years ago now. There is very low chances of me recovering from this if thats what caused and set these dominoes of suffering and mistakes to happen. All of my suffering after school and terrible actions and people leaving me was my fault and I should of just killed myself to spare everyone and me from myself. I should of died but now I have wait however else long to do it again. I don't deserve sympathy or empathy or comfort.

feel like putting this here cus these 2 characters make me happy looking at them and its of them ctbing so it fits here I guess

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I keep doing the same thing. Life is unbearable, I know I want to die, but I just won't take action. I have FSH ready to go, good rope, good anchor point, but I won't do it. I can buy a shotgun but I won't do it. My rational mind is so weak I just can't put one foot in front of the other.

 

[Corovaner]

Don't blame yourself, this is a very harrd decision.

 

[-Link-]

Only reason for me to exist is to benefit others but I fail at that often.

Hard relate to this, more than I could ever possibly tell you.

I am thankful you are still with us, even if that's selfish of me.

Sending you strength in getting through today and wish and hope very much for this to get something better for you, or at least less-bad.

Think of you lots Namelesa.

 

[soul2realm]

Every superhero gets their heartbroken at some point. I guess that's how it is in a warrior's journey.
It's not your fault, what happened to you today and before. It's like the saying," Bad things happen to good people.", what the saying doesn't say is how it ends. But I am glad you are here to decipher that.
From ashes the phoenix rises and so will you, like a true hero.
Lots of love and blessings.

 

[NutOrat]

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore and me not existing anymore means I can not harm anyone again. I would prefer to recover to be able to benefit others but that isn't for certain I would of rather taken my chances with killing myself than trying to continue this hell.

I have the exact same thought prison regarding this: no matter what you do to avoid pain, as long as you live, you hurt, yourself and others. You will inevitably keep bringing pain into the world by existing, regardless of the amount. BUT, killing yourself also does not solve the problem, as by doing so you release a catastrophic amount of pain on the select few people, usually the closest ones to you, people who likely deserve that pain the least. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I don't know which is better.

For what it's worth, I'm glad you're still with us, even if we don't know each other, at all really. Do not blame yourself as @Corovaner said, I think just as with doing the act, there's courage of another kind involved in stepping back or not attempting at all and enduring the pain. Idk, maybe I'm just saying stuff. Be easy on yourself

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Don't be too hard to yourself! It may look so easy but CTB is the most difficult thing to do.

 

[Namelesa Graves]

It's not your fault, what happened to you today and before. It's like the saying," Bad things happen to good people."

thing is I am not good person. I am at fault for doing stuff wrong to have people leave me.

I have the exact same thought prison regarding this: no matter what you do to avoid pain, as long as you live, you hurt, yourself and others. You will inevitably keep bringing pain into the world by existing, regardless of the amount. BUT, killing yourself also does not solve the problem, as by doing so you release a catastrophic amount of pain on the select few people, usually the closest ones to you, people who likely deserve that pain the least. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I don't know which is better.

I mean the pain it would cause to would be people that deserve it most honestly (being my parents.) Tho the the few people that don't deserve it (being 3 online friends, my dog and maybe sister tho she has helped my parents with the entrapment thing) tho with the online friends I would have probably done something wrong to have them leave so whats the difference in me dying or me doing something wrong for them to leave me.