Venting gross

[relapse]

I wish I could be cleansed from everything evil that there is in me. I want to finally feel like there's nothing wrong in the person I am. That I have nothing to hide and for once just exist without feeling guilty. I feel repulsive from the inside

 

[snwcolt]

I wish I could be cleansed from everything evil that there is in me. I want to finally feel like there's nothing wrong in the person I am. That I have nothing to hide and for once just exist without feeling guilty.

No human who has ever lived has come close to accomplishing what you're describing....is this something you feel you should be able to do or just something you wish you could do? JW

 

[relapse]

No human who has ever lived has come close to accomplishing what you're describing....is this something you feel you should be able to do or just something you wish you could do? JW

Maybe It's both. Most people, even if they're objectively horrible, appear completely capable of accepting themselves that way. Despite the self esteem problems some may have they at least seem at peace. No matter how hard I try to I can't make myself feel the same. To me that feeling of ''correctness'' is just something that comes with being a person, you can't force it. In turn that makes me feel even more wrong to exist, since either my reasoning is correct and I'm right to feel disgusting, or I completely failed as a person.

 

[snwcolt]

Drugzzz help but of course come with their own consequences...best way I've found tho just stay numb

 

[CravingPeace]

I feel the same way. I had alcohol-induced mania and literally became a different person that I don't recognize as myself. I was fucking evil and belligerent. I ruined everything for myself and for others.

And I'm supposed to just live with the fact that that potential for evil is still inside me. One slip up drinking again and I could turn into that vile bastard again.

The memories of that time haunt me.