Grieving the person I could of become

[bl33ding_heart]

I'm constantly grieving the person I could of grown up to be if I never had bpd. I wouldn't be so manipulative and cruel, I wouldn't become so obsessed with people I like to the point I ruin myself for them, I wouldn't lash out on people and completely ruin their image of me over the smallest things. I would be a lot kinder and more gentle. I would be able to express my strong empathy a lot more lovingly, I would be a way better person and actually have a peace of mind. It's so fucking unfair that I have to be a complete abomination of a human all because the two monsters that brought me into existence couldn't treat me right. I'll never forgive them, and I'll never truly accept that I am the way I am.

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

Would the person u could be without bpd be really u ? i also imagined what if i didnt had autism what if i didnt never did sh and so on but those experiences shaped me for better or for worst to who am i today. thinking about possibilites of not having certain traits/experiences would make u a completly diffrent person and no matter if the person that would be "better" than your current self because that still wont be you. Who knows how your life would turn out maybe u would have died early in your life, maybe u would get hurt by others alot maybe u wouldnt be a good person or finally maybe u would be the person who u would think u would be but the possibilities are unfortunetly endless. Much love im sure u are an amazing person no matter what u think of yourself

 

[dontwakemeup]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. The best advice i can give you is please continue to take your medication and don't skip any doses. Don't limit your potential because of a diagnosis! The great thing is now you are aware of the why you are the way you are but it doesn't mean you can't have a great and beautiful life! You are what you think you are. Set your goals higher and smile when you achieve them! If friendships are challenging for you then maybe get a pet to help occupy that void. Learn boundaries for the friends you do have. Try to stay busy that way you're not overbearing. I think sometimes our views of ourselves are not exactly how bad People perceive us.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Would the person u could be without bpd be really u ? i also imagined what if i didnt had autism what if i didnt never did sh and so on but those experiences shaped me for better or for worst to who am i today. thinking about possibilites of not having certain traits/experiences would make u a completly diffrent person and no matter if the person that would be "better" than your current self because that still wont be you. Who knows how your life would turn out maybe u would have died early in your life, maybe u would get hurt by others alot maybe u wouldnt be a good person or finally maybe u would be the person who u would think u would be but the possibilities are unfortunetly endless. Much love im sure u are an amazing person no matter what u think of yourself

I would still be me if I didn't have bpd, just a much better and more mentally stable version of myself. Bpd is certain parts of the brain responsible for emotions and reactions being underdeveloped. Mostly due to severe trauma. Without that, I would still be me. I still have a personality outside of my mental illness. Bpd and autism aren't the same at all. Bpd is a trauma response and autism is a neurological disorder that you're born with. Thank you so much for your kind words, kind words from anyone means a lot to me.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. The best advice i can give you is please continue to take your medication and don't skip any doses. Don't limit your potential because of a diagnosis! The great thing is now you are aware of the why you are the way you are but it doesn't mean you can't have a great and beautiful life! You are what you think you are. Set your goals higher and smile when you achieve them! If friendships are challenging for you then maybe get a pet to help occupy that void. Learn boundaries for the friends you do have. Try to stay busy that way you're not overbearing. I think sometimes our views of ourselves are not exactly how bad People perceive us.

Due to my current living situation I'm unable to get professional help or be put on any sort of medication. :/

If I'm still around sometime in the future I'll definitely seek it out. Your advice is much appreciated.