Grief eating me alive

[BrokenAlien]

I've been on this forum basically all day because I'm in so much pain from my fiance taking his life. I've been considering taking mine too because I have this hope of being with him. I've been sad for so long, and I lost my mom to suicide when I was 15. Now I've lost my fiance to suicide. I'm always struggling with depression, and now I've lost 2 people I love to suicide- and I know me ctb will only lead to the pain of my brother/loved ones but I don't really know if it's worth it to keep fighting losing battles. My hope feels gone and I feel like a lost soul. I want desperately to see my mom and my fiance, the only 2 people who have ever truly understood and loved me it feels like. It's so hard to be anything but sad and hopeless right now, and I just don't think I can carry on. I don't want to die in pain, and I don't want to inflict pain on others. And so I'm in this horrible guilt with what I feel responsible for- I'm so terrified to continue living like this or to be a catalyst for another life taken.

I don't know all the way what I want to do. I don't know if it's the right choice but I feel out of place in this world and I always have. Now I've got crushing guilt, regret, and my depression is worse than ever. My pleading is echoed back, my heart is broken, and my hope is gone. I just want to be with the people I love- Is there some way that won't hurt so much? Do you think life is really destined to be this dark?

 

[BLUE1970]

It's hardly surprising you're hurting if you only found out about his death yesterday. Afford yourself time and space to grieve.

 

[Lordsudbury]

OP thanks for writing this and talking to us. Such a huge loss. I also lost a parent to CTB and many friends suicide.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say you are not alone bearing this burden and we sympathize with you. Everyday is hard