Goodbye thread - SN

[Sbetto]

Hi everyone,

I never thought I'd write a post like this, especially not on this forum. But today, I really think it will be the day I take my bus.

I don't know where to start, but I'll try.
I grew up in a wealthy family, I've never lacked financially, and at first glance, that might seem like a privilege. But aside from the bullying I suffered because of a speech impediment, it hasn't been easy at all.
I was mocked every day for five years in high school, and what happened there deeply marked me. It's not just a matter of money or external conditions, it's what you feel inside that counts, and I've always felt different, marginalized.
During high school, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and only recently I discovered I'm on the autism spectrum.
These diagnoses helped me understand a lot about myself, but they haven't erased the daily struggles I face.
I'm 26 years old, and compared to my friends, I feel very behind. I've never had a girlfriend, never kissed anyone, never had sex. And every time I think about it, I feel ashamed, stuck, like I'm standing still while everyone else runs ahead.
I don't have a job, I see no prospects. I've tried to get back on my feet, I swear. But every attempt hit a wall.
If there was a "reset" button, I would press it immediately. I don't say this for drama, I say it because I don't want to die, I just want to stop feeling like this.
But I've reached the point where even living the life of my dreams wouldn't be enough to find peace.
Lately, I've gotten closer to nihilist authors and philosophers, who talk about how life often has no concrete meaning and how destiny can seem predetermined from the start. In those thoughts, I found refuge, an explanation for my suffering, even if not a solution.
I look at the world around me and see only devastation: pollution poisoning the air and waters, hidden or forgotten genocides that continue to stain our history, murders and femicides that happen every day, senseless violence that seems endless.
All this weight adds to the emptiness I feel and makes it even harder to believe there could be something good or right in all of this.
I see news about young people who have taken their own lives, and I'm happy for them. I'm happy for those who die because they free themselves from a pain that seems endless to me. And inside, I think: why can they do it and I can't?
We live in an absurd world, where people suffer in silence, and when they seek help, they're ignored. I know this well.
I've been taking paroxetine for a while, and besides worsening my mental state, it also took away my libido. I can't feel pleasure anymore, not even by myself. It was the last low blow. It was the only way I had to disconnect for a moment, to still feel… human.
When I told my psychiatrist, he just told me "go to the mental health center." That was it. No listening, no empathy.
It's been six or seven months since I bought SN. In that time, I've tried to cling to anything. You, this forum, the few friends I have left, my parents. But I feel it's not enough anymore.
I can't pretend everything is fine. I can't be a bearable version of myself anymore.
I'm so sorry for the pain I'll cause, especially to my mother and also to my friends. But I see no other way.
Thanks to everyone who, even with just a comment, a message, or a word, made me feel less alone.
It's been nice to be part of this community.

I'll try to update this thread if there are any news or if I change my mind, I'll let you know.
This time, I'm almost sure I can make it.
If I don't log back in tomorrow, it means I'm no longer here.
Anyone who logs into my account after me is not me.


My Protocol:

• 4:00 PM — 2 tablets of 5 mg Metoclopramide
• 7:00 PM — 2 tablets of 5 mg Metoclopramide
• 10:00 PM — 2 tablets of 5 mg Metoclopramide
• 11:00 PM — 3 tablets of 200 mg Ibuprofen
• 11:30 PM — mix Sodium Nitrite (SN)
• 11:35–11:40 PM — 1–2 mg of Alprazolam
• 12:00 AM — wait for the effect of Alprazolam, possibly take more Alprazolam up to a maximum of 8 mg, accompanied by Sodium Nitrite (SN)

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. I wish you all the best, and I hope you find peace! Good luck!

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from suffering, I wish you the best.

 

[darksouls]

good luck
hope you find the relief you search for

 

[Sbetto]

UPDATE:

4:00 PM – took the first 10 mg dose of metoclopramide.

 

[wham311]

Here with ya

 

[thaelyana]

I hope everything goes well. DON'T forget that if necessary you can stop and call for help.

I would think of you dear stranger

 

[Leyna]

I hope you find peace

 

[Alexandra0]

All the best. I hope you find what you are looking for

 

[deathisapanacea]

 

[tulero]

good luck chillguy

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Hi, I'm not trying to talk you out of this... but...

Did you try going on the Apps, things like Tinder, and just doing the whole swipe left swipe right thing to see if you would match with anyone?

If you are 26, and don't have a job and girlfriend, but you are financially okay, you could volunteer somewhere to gain experience, then apply to places. Food banks will always accept volunteers, if you want to do free volunteer work to gain experience, organizations will accept you with no experience at all. The girlfriend thing is trickier, but I don't know if you have been trying and swiping and putting yourself out there to try to date.

Regarding the paroxetine thing, you could just stop taking it. No one is forcing you to see that psychiatrist or take that medication, right? If it makes it impossible to get off and it's awful and your psychiatrist doesn't care, just go to someone else (or stop mental health treatment because all the pills have horrible side effects).

Life can be awful, I'm not trying to change your mind. But it seems like the main complaints are 1) can't get off easily due to paroxetine 2) don't have girlfriend 3) don't have job, right? 2) is most challenging. I just wish i knew more of your story... if you tried dating again and again, if you haven't tried at all...

I understand if you don't want to answer. Wishing you ease during this difficult time, however this goes.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I'm really sorry your life has hurt you so much. It is so draining to live with developmental disorders. Your phychiatrist should have done better jobs so you don't have to choose this way. I know it's too late but I want you to feel the empathy you are seeking for in this SaSu at your last moment. I hope you are released from the pain and find peace. You deserve it. Much love

 

[Sbetto]

UPDATE:

7: 00 PM – took the second 10 mg dose of metoclopramide.

 

[thaelyana]

Hi, I'm not trying to talk you out of this... but...

Did you try going on the Apps, things like Tinder, and just doing the whole swipe left swipe right thing to see if you would match with anyone?

If you are 26, and don't have a job and girlfriend, but you are financially okay, you could volunteer somewhere to gain experience, then apply to places. Food banks will always accept volunteers, if you want to do free volunteer work to gain experience, organizations will accept you with no experience at all. The girlfriend thing is trickier, but I don't know if you have been trying and swiping and putting yourself out there to try to date.

Regarding the paroxetine thing, you could just stop taking it. No one is forcing you to see that psychiatrist or take that medication, right? If it makes it impossible to get off and it's awful and your psychiatrist doesn't care, just go to someone else (or stop mental health treatment because all the pills have horrible side effects).

Life can be awful, I'm not trying to change your mind. But it seems like the main complaints are 1) can't get off easily due to paroxetine 2) don't have girlfriend 3) don't have job, right? 2) is most challenging. I just wish i knew more of your story... if you tried dating again and again, if you haven't tried at all...

I understand if you don't want to answer. Wishing you ease during this difficult time, however this goes.

Yes I agree, everything is remediable Many meet their first love around 30 years old, it's ok .. But when you start comparing yourself to others, you fall very low. I do like him, I compare myself to others but in what is academic success: that's how it is. I feel like shit so I can't imagine him...

In real life love meh it's not that interesting but it might be cool to test one day..

However, disorders and treatments are heavy things, I understand that he wants to end it. He has been trying to re-emerge for several months,.. it's hard. Courage if you change your mind we will not judge do as you feel OP, we will be there no matter what.

 

[Sbetto]

Hi, I'm not trying to talk you out of this... but...

Did you try going on the Apps, things like Tinder, and just doing the whole swipe left swipe right thing to see if you would match with anyone?

If you are 26, and don't have a job and girlfriend, but you are financially okay, you could volunteer somewhere to gain experience, then apply to places. Food banks will always accept volunteers, if you want to do free volunteer work to gain experience, organizations will accept you with no experience at all. The girlfriend thing is trickier, but I don't know if you have been trying and swiping and putting yourself out there to try to date.

Regarding the paroxetine thing, you could just stop taking it. No one is forcing you to see that psychiatrist or take that medication, right? If it makes it impossible to get off and it's awful and your psychiatrist doesn't care, just go to someone else (or stop mental health treatment because all the pills have horrible side effects).

Life can be awful, I'm not trying to change your mind. But it seems like the main complaints are 1) can't get off easily due to paroxetine 2) don't have girlfriend 3) don't have job, right? 2) is most challenging. I just wish i knew more of your story... if you tried dating again and again, if you haven't tried at all...

I understand if you don't want to answer. Wishing you ease during this difficult time, however this goes.

Thank you so much for the kind words.
As for girls, I've tried several dating apps in the past, but I never managed to get anywhere. In the end, why would a girl ever choose a short guy, a virgin, with no job and no experience, over all the others?
Anyway, I really did try to take my life back into my own hands, but right now it feels completely out of reach. I live each day in a sort of limbo, where everything just keeps repeating itself.
I know it was my choice to start taking paroxetine, but I did it because I was convinced that, with it, I would CTB much faster.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Thank you so much for the kind words.
As for girls, I've tried several dating apps in the past, but I never managed to get anywhere. In the end, why would a girl ever choose a short guy, a virgin, with no job and no experience, over all the others?
Anyway, I really did try to take my life back into my own hands, but right now it feels completely out of reach. I live each day in a sort of limbo, where everything just keeps repeating itself.
I know it was my choice to start taking paroxetine, but I did it because I was convinced that, with it, I would CTB much faster.

regarding being short, a virgin, with no job and experience, some people just want to find someone they connect with. i totally get your groundhog's day, repetition feeling with everything... it's hard because if you started volunteering somewhere, tried putting up a profile on the Apps and spending 30 minutes every day swiping, got a dating coach to help you put up a better profile, perhaps in another year you'd find someone, but it's also uncertain. if you have money, they have coaches for people to try to help them get dates, put up the right profile, and make it more likely they'll date someone. but i understand if you are past that point.

you could also try changing to a different medication that might not have side-effects. ketamine is short-term, you can get ketamine infusions and not have an SSRI or other medication causing sexual side effects with it. did you try ketamine? not trying to change your mind, people have the right to choose

i'm here with you in spirit, however you decide, however this goes

are you in a comfortable place? how are you feeling? also, it's okay if you don't respond

 

[thaelyana]

En fin de compte, pourquoi une fille choisirait-elle un gars de petite teure, vierge, sans emploi et sans expérience, plutôt que tous les autres ?

We don't care about the experience, whether you're a virgin or not. That's how it is and you're not alone in this case what's comforting is just work but you can "find" it .. you didn't ask your family for contacts? What job would make you dream?
Courage, act as you feel. We think of you