Getting better and then losing control again

[SmokeDetector]

Been suicidal since I was 12, I'm 19 now. Life was a living hell until I was 18. It was bad enough that I've had to stay in the psych ward 12 times.

Last summer I suddenly started remembering a lot of traumatic memories and things started making a lot more sense. Until then I'd always had some idea why everything was the way it was, but it was always just too much so even trying to understand sent me into despair.
It suddenly got easy to figure out new things about my mental health and everything just started making sense.

I went to rehab in February and started seeing an amazing therapist. I've managed to stay mostly clean from drinking, although not from other things but those have been inconsequential mostly.

My therapist has helped me more than any of the therapists I've seen before.
They've helped me learn so much more avout myself, stuff that I never realized myself.
I've learned to be in control without suppressing emotions, I've learned to be honest with myself and let myself actually feel emotions.
I've learned how let myself be happy despite being really unstable.
I know what my triggers are and how to calm myself down down even when the anxiety and panic get so bad that every sound causes me physical pain or when I have a depressive episode bad enough that I stop caring completely and want go get hammered and do stims.

I've gotten better enough that this summer was the first period where I actually felt happy most of the time for the first time since I was 14.

In the beginnung of september I finally went back to school which I didn't think was possible for me. I was extremely anxious and stressed because I know how easy it is for me to lose control completely and by now my mental health has regressed a lot.

My suicidal thoughts are back, I'm constantly extremely stressed and anxious again and it's really hard to stay stable enough to be functional enough.

It's really disheartening that I finally started getting better and by so much for the first time in 7 years and the moment I have to do more than the bare minimum I start spiraling towards complete chaos again.

I don't know what to do because I need to finish school so that I could even get a job and I know that it won't get easy enough that going to school wouldn't be something that makes me consider suicide anytime soon so it'd be better to start working towards getting somewhere with my life now than to wait for an unknown period of time hoping that literally everything won't make me feel like my brain is going to explode.

Sorry for the long post if anyone reads it.

 

[Inthewind]

It do be tough to rebuild tolerance to having more than minimum work, maybe your school will allow you to work at the school. I dunno what else advice to give because you have been doing so well and the therapist would kno how to better give advice maybe. And you made so much progress thus far on your own ways

 

[adrenalinejunkie]

It sounds like you've made great progress especially finding a therapist you like. I've had many therapists and it's so hard to find someone that is competent and that you connect with. Setbacks are normal just remember how good you have felt and you will get back there. I agree your therapist is best suited to help you. Thanks for sharing - wishing you well.

 

[dylanoffline]

Been suicidal since I was 12, I'm 19 now. Life was a living hell until I was 18. It was bad enough that I've had to stay in the psych ward 12 times.

Last summer I suddenly started remembering a lot of traumatic memories and things started making a lot more sense. Until then I'd always had some idea why everything was the way it was, but it was always just too much so even trying to understand sent me into despair.
It suddenly got easy to figure out new things about my mental health and everything just started making sense.

I went to rehab in February and started seeing an amazing therapist. I've managed to stay mostly clean from drinking, although not from other things but those have been inconsequential mostly.

My therapist has helped me more than any of the therapists I've seen before.
They've helped me learn so much more avout myself, stuff that I never realized myself.
I've learned to be in control without suppressing emotions, I've learned to be honest with myself and let myself actually feel emotions.
I've learned how let myself be happy despite being really unstable.
I know what my triggers are and how to calm myself down down even when the anxiety and panic get so bad that every sound causes me physical pain or when I have a depressive episode bad enough that I stop caring completely and want go get hammered and do stims.

I've gotten better enough that this summer was the first period where I actually felt happy most of the time for the first time since I was 14.

In the beginnung of september I finally went back to school which I didn't think was possible for me. I was extremely anxious and stressed because I know how easy it is for me to lose control completely and by now my mental health has regressed a lot.

My suicidal thoughts are back, I'm constantly extremely stressed and anxious again and it's really hard to stay stable enough to be functional enough.

It's really disheartening that I finally started getting better and by so much for the first time in 7 years and the moment I have to do more than the bare minimum I start spiraling towards complete chaos again.

I don't know what to do because I need to finish school so that I could even get a job and I know that it won't get easy enough that going to school wouldn't be something that makes me consider suicide anytime soon so it'd be better to start working towards getting somewhere with my life now than to wait for an unknown period of time hoping that literally everything won't make me feel like my brain is going to explode.

Sorry for the long post if anyone reads it.

I know it seems hard and like panic and anxiety is something you can never get over, but it DOES get better. This is coming from someone with PTSD surrounding school. The coping strategy that works best for me is setting little goals, ones like " Just finish the school day. "
I find setting small goals gives me a sense of accomplishment, because honestly panic and anxiety is such a horrifying thing.
I also find that having someone whose simply a text away can help. Someone who you can just message and say " Hey, I'm panicking, can you talk me through it?"