Venting Gender Dysphoria Ruined My Life

[Arin]

Realising I'm trans was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I can't go ONE FUCKING DAY without wanting to carve my own chest off with a carving knife. I've developed insomnia highly in part due to the sheer discomfort I feel when lying down, since I'm constantly, nonstop, aware that I have these parasitic fleshy slabs of fat growing on my chest like cancerous tumors. It's genuinely FUCKING UNBEARABLE. I feel like I'm submerged in liquid ice whenever I remember their presence. They're like two swollen ticks draining my will to live from my chest. They're not part of me. It feels so, so wrong, like I've had the body part of a whole different species stitched haphazardly onto my body, and I can't tear it off, no matter how hard I try. I can't even look in any mirrors shirtless because every time I do I want to be sick and usually start fucking crying, like actually physically crying with disgust and grief and despair, because I know they're only going to continue to cling to the flesh of my chest and there's nothing I can fucking do about it. I cannot even move without feeling like I'm about to vomit if my arm brushes against either of the parasites and I'm reminded of their presence.

Some people I know describe dysphoria like wearing shoes on the wrong feet, but that's a million times too tame for what it's actually like. It's more like someone tore off your skin and stitched someone else's back onto you, and it doesn't fit and it feels like the seams are splitting open and you just want to SCREAM from the pain. It's fucking agonising and I'm constantly in pain. I CANNOT EVEN FUCKING LOOK DOWN AT MY OWN BODY WITHOUT CRYING AND WANTING TO THROW UP. It's body horror from a first person perspective. I don't feel human. The body I'm inhabiting is unrecognisable, I don't know who the fuck it is but it surely isn't ME. It's not me. It's wrong.

AND THAT'S JUST ONE FUCKING ASPECT OF IT. Every time I open my mouth to speak, the sound of my voice makes me want to slit my neck so I can never use my vocal cords again. It sounds so, so wrong to have a female voice coming out of my throat; it feels malformed and distorted, like a recording that's had a fucked-up filter layered over it too many times. I don't recognise the sound of my own voice. I don't know what I sound like but it certainly isn't THIS fucking crooked gargling.

Every time I see my face in a mirror or photograph I'm again reminded of the fact that I will never, ever be male. Everything about it screams "FEMALE" for the whole world to see. I look so weak and soft and round, like a new-born baby girl, and it makes me just want to slice it all off it one go and have a red, mangled, bloody slab for a face. Anything's better than this. I'm so disgusted by what I see when I accidentally catch a glimpse of what I look like in a reflection; I'm just hit with an intense sense of shock and revulsion because I know that face isn't mine. It's not me I see, it's my deformed fucking body.

Every damned thing about the body I'm in is wrong. I can't fucking bear it. I feel sick when I remember I have nothing between my legs, just a bleeding wound I will never be able to bring myself to use. It's too repulsive. My height makes me feel like a child in comparison with my male peers, and my fucking, godawful hips are disgustingly wide and shatter any hope I have for my body to ever pass as male. Even my brain has developed wrong - I've been trained to be passive, inoffensive, polite, agreeable, NONE of the things I know I could've been if I'd have just been allowed to be myself as a child, not forced into this fucking cage. I am unmistakeable female, and I want to kill myself for it.

I very likely wouldn't want to CTB if I hadn't been trans. But this fucking realisation has meant that I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be happy. The environment I'm in has made it impossible for me to transition until I'm financially independent, and THAT isn't going to happen any time soon due to my dependency on my parents, who would rather me kill myself than transition. I won't be able to start until I'm probably in my early thirties or late twenties, and by then my body will have been poisoned by female hormones for years to the point of no return. Honestly, thinking about it now, I'm probably ALREADY past the point of no return - if I'd have just started when I was 10 or 11 or 12, maybe I could've prevented the changes and stayed a perfect, flat-chested rectangle, but I'm well past that point now. There is no hope left, no matter what. All I want now is for the suffering to end, so I can just die and stop feeling this pain. I have no future, nor any reasons to continue going. All I need to do now is decide on a method and find the courage to actually CTB for real this time. No more failed or half-hearted attempts. I just want to leave. Thanks.

 

[L'absent]

Reading your words conveys a deep and constant suffering, something that is not only mental but physical, rooted in every moment of your existence. The dysphoria you describe is not just discomfort; it is a perceptual torture, a total sense of estrangement that crushes you every day without respite. It feels like your body was imposed on you, a living prison from which there is no immediate escape. And I understand why this realization makes everything even more unbearable.
The idea that time is working against you, that every passing year makes it harder for you to recognize yourself, is devastating. Not having the ability to act now, to start transitioning when you needed it most, adds an even greater weight to your suffering. The fact that your family environment prevents you from freely choosing your path makes this cage even more suffocating. It's not just the dysphoria crushing you—it's also the feeling of being stripped of any control over your own existence.
But if there's one thing that is certain, it's that time does not erase possibilities. I know that right now everything feels set in stone, that you feel you've passed a point of no return. But the body is not static. Science, medicine, and surgery are constantly evolving, and even if you can't transition now, that does not mean it will be impossible in the future. The agony you are experiencing is real, but it is not the end of the road. It might seem like an empty statement right now, but the mere fact that you are still here, that you have expressed all of this, means that inside you, there is still a spark, even if right now it feels like a faded reflection.
I know that the pain you feel is not something that can simply be "overcome," and I won't tell you that you must hold on at all costs. But before taking any definitive step, consider that the future is not as linear as it seems now. Your pain is deceiving you, making you believe that there is no tomorrow worth living for. But that is not true. Your journey might be slower, more unjust, more frustrating, but as long as you are here, you still have possibilities ahead of you, even if you can't see them yet.
If right now you have no way to access transition in your country, one possibility could be studying abroad. In some countries, such as Italy or other European nations, international students can enroll in the National Health System (SSN) and receive free hormone therapy and surgical procedures, without being financially dependent on their parents. This could give you the opportunity to start your transition without having to answer to anyone, in an environment where you have more autonomy and access to care. If you could convince your family to support you in pursuing studies abroad, you might use it as an opportunity to take control of your own future and begin the journey you desire without having to wait years. Even though it seems like an enormous obstacle now, it could be a path worth exploring.

 

[Arin]

Reading your words conveys a deep and constant suffering, something that is not only mental but physical, rooted in every moment of your existence. The dysphoria you describe is not just discomfort; it is a perceptual torture, a total sense of estrangement that crushes you every day without respite. It feels like your body was imposed on you, a living prison from which there is no immediate escape. And I understand why this realization makes everything even more unbearable.
The idea that time is working against you, that every passing year makes it harder for you to recognize yourself, is devastating. Not having the ability to act now, to start transitioning when you needed it most, adds an even greater weight to your suffering. The fact that your family environment prevents you from freely choosing your path makes this cage even more suffocating. It's not just the dysphoria crushing you—it's also the feeling of being stripped of any control over your own existence.
But if there's one thing that is certain, it's that time does not erase possibilities. I know that right now everything feels set in stone, that you feel you've passed a point of no return. But the body is not static. Science, medicine, and surgery are constantly evolving, and even if you can't transition now, that does not mean it will be impossible in the future. The agony you are experiencing is real, but it is not the end of the road. It might seem like an empty statement right now, but the mere fact that you are still here, that you have expressed all of this, means that inside you, there is still a spark, even if right now it feels like a faded reflection.
I know that the pain you feel is not something that can simply be "overcome," and I won't tell you that you must hold on at all costs. But before taking any definitive step, consider that the future is not as linear as it seems now. Your pain is deceiving you, making you believe that there is no tomorrow worth living for. But that is not true. Your journey might be slower, more unjust, more frustrating, but as long as you are here, you still have possibilities ahead of you, even if you can't see them yet.
If right now you have no way to access transition in your country, one possibility could be studying abroad. In some countries, such as Italy or other European nations, international students can enroll in the National Health System (SSN) and receive free hormone therapy and surgical procedures, without being financially dependent on their parents. This could give you the opportunity to start your transition without having to answer to anyone, in an environment where you have more autonomy and access to care. If you could convince your family to support you in pursuing studies abroad, you might use it as an opportunity to take control of your own future and begin the journey you desire without having to wait years. Even though it seems like an enormous obstacle now, it could be a path worth exploring.

Thank you for your reply. I wish I could go down the route you're suggesting, but even though I want to, it would be an extraordinarily difficult choice to make. My family have control (and intent to keep control) over my finances, therefore any move against their judgement means I would be instantly cut off. They have threatened to send me to a psych ward if I express any intentions of wanting to transition, and would undoubtedly kick me out and make me homeless if that didn't work. My mum in particular has openly supported violence against trans people and wished for widespread deaths of people like me. She's attended anti-trans rallies and has campaigned for years to restrict the rights of trans people in the UK. She is insanely conservative and supports Tommy Robinson (if you didn't know, he's this racist who was part of this British fascist party and has been imprisoned multiple times for assault and other crimes), and overall is incredibly controlling, narcissistic, and lacks anything even resembling empathy. Overall I've been born into the worst household possible for a trans person.

I like in the UK, so we do have the NHS which can provide gender-affirming healthcare for free. Unfortunately, through a series of events I won't get into now, my family have control over my healthcare records and will be able to see any attempt I make to seek help (of any kind, not just transition-related, so I can't even contact mental health services or anything), and will be able to cut me off for that as well. The have complete control over me, financially and physically and even health-related, I can't escape. Also, the waiting lists are bloody awful - the average wait time to even receive your first appointment is six fucking years. It'll take over half a decade to even start; I'll almost certainly be dead by the time that rolls around. If I'd started a decade ago I would be the happiest man alive. If I started right this instant, I would probably make it. But having to wait the time it takes to escape my family, become financially independent, have secure housing / accommodation, and wait out the waiting lists will undoubtedly kill me. I'm still growing, developing. Puberty doesn't end until you're twenty-five or so. In the next seven years, I will become unrecoverable. Every day I'm being poisoned by the contents of my own blood. Over time, my hips will grow wider, my chest will become larger, any last flicker of hope I have will fade and the damage I've endured from my own body will kill me. Even thinking about it now makes me fucking nauseous, I want to just end it all now so I don't have experience any more disfigurement.

Even if it did somehow miraculously work, I'd be alone. My family would be so ashamed of and disappointed in me they'd kick me out and cut me off completely, and I would lose what little support I currently have. I would be entirely alone, and whilst I've dealt with that before, this would be a whole new level of isolation. Homeless, friendless, no family, nothing. Just completely alone. Whilst I've had to face abuse from my parents, both physical (violence as a form of punishment for even the smallest of offence) and verbal (called shit like "retard", "cunt", "pig" as a child, told I only make their lives worse, etc.,), they still are the only ones who provide the bare minimum of support. Despite the abuse, they allow me to have food and water and housing, and if I need to put up with abuse to have that then I will. I'd rather be abused and have basic necessities than be free from them but have nothing. But it's fucking destroying me and I can't deal with it and I just want to kill myself to escape. There is no other real option. I hate them for everything they've done to me but I love them for everything they've done for me, and trying to improve my life feels like I'm betraying them. If I transition they'll see it as worse than betrayal - they've clothed me and fed me for years and what do I do to repay them? Go against everything they stand for and believe in by transitioning. I'll be dead to them, and I would rather actually be dead than be seen that way by them. At least killing myself now would preserve their image of me as their 'golden daughter' I'm pretending to be, instead of the imperfect, defective, pathetic human I really am. They'd never know I was this way if I just died. Actually transitioning would expose me to more harm from them that I already experience.

I don't know if any of this has made any sense, I'm writing this past midnight whilst also trying to finish a project that's past its deadline, so my bad if this is incoherent or messy or tedious. It wasn't my intention.

 

[L'absent]

Thank you for your reply. I wish I could go down the route you're suggesting, but even though I want to, it would be an extraordinarily difficult choice to make. My family have control (and intent to keep control) over my finances, therefore any move against their judgement means I would be instantly cut off. They have threatened to send me to a psych ward if I express any intentions of wanting to transition, and would undoubtedly kick me out and make me homeless if that didn't work. My mum in particular has openly supported violence against trans people and wished for widespread deaths of people like me. She's attended anti-trans rallies and has campaigned for years to restrict the rights of trans people in the UK. She is insanely conservative and supports Tommy Robinson (if you didn't know, he's this racist who was part of this British fascist party and has been imprisoned multiple times for assault and other crimes), and overall is incredibly controlling, narcissistic, and lacks anything even resembling empathy. Overall I've been born into the worst household possible for a trans person.

I like in the UK, so we do have the NHS which can provide gender-affirming healthcare for free. Unfortunately, through a series of events I won't get into now, my family have control over my healthcare records and will be able to see any attempt I make to seek help (of any kind, not just transition-related, so I can't even contact mental health services or anything), and will be able to cut me off for that as well. The have complete control over me, financially and physically and even health-related, I can't escape. Also, the waiting lists are bloody awful - the average wait time to even receive your first appointment is six fucking years. It'll take over half a decade to even start; I'll almost certainly be dead by the time that rolls around. If I'd started a decade ago I would be the happiest man alive. If I started right this instant, I would probably make it. But having to wait the time it takes to escape my family, become financially independent, have secure housing / accommodation, and wait out the waiting lists will undoubtedly kill me. I'm still growing, developing. Puberty doesn't end until you're twenty-five or so. In the next seven years, I will become unrecoverable. Every day I'm being poisoned by the contents of my own blood. Over time, my hips will grow wider, my chest will become larger, any last flicker of hope I have will fade and the damage I've endured from my own body will kill me. Even thinking about it now makes me fucking nauseous, I want to just end it all now so I don't have experience any more disfigurement.

Even if it did somehow miraculously work, I'd be alone. My family would be so ashamed of and disappointed in me they'd kick me out and cut me off completely, and I would lose what little support I currently have. I would be entirely alone, and whilst I've dealt with that before, this would be a whole new level of isolation. Homeless, friendless, no family, nothing. Just completely alone. Whilst I've had to face abuse from my parents, both physical (violence as a form of punishment for even the smallest of offence) and verbal (called shit like "retard", "cunt", "pig" as a child, told I only make their lives worse, etc.,), they still are the only ones who provide the bare minimum of support. Despite the abuse, they allow me to have food and water and housing, and if I need to put up with abuse to have that then I will. I'd rather be abused and have basic necessities than be free from them but have nothing. But it's fucking destroying me and I can't deal with it and I just want to kill myself to escape. There is no other real option. I hate them for everything they've done to me but I love them for everything they've done for me, and trying to improve my life feels like I'm betraying them. If I transition they'll see it as worse than betrayal - they've clothed me and fed me for years and what do I do to repay them? Go against everything they stand for and believe in by transitioning. I'll be dead to them, and I would rather actually be dead than be seen that way by them. At least killing myself now would preserve their image of me as their 'golden daughter' I'm pretending to be, instead of the imperfect, defective, pathetic human I really am. They'd never know I was this way if I just died. Actually transitioning would expose me to more harm from them that I already experience.

I don't know if any of this has made any sense, I'm writing this past midnight whilst also trying to finish a project that's past its deadline, so my bad if this is incoherent or messy or tedious. It wasn't my intention.

I understand why you think that dying now is a way to avoid your family's rejection and disappointment. But if they care more about their image than about you, then they are not the kind of people worth sacrificing yourself for. If you took your own life, they would never see who you truly are, but the price would be your existence. And I'm not saying this because I believe that life has inherent value, but because you yourself have already implicitly said that your existence holds value for you: if you had been able to start therapy, you would be the happiest man on earth. This means that there is still something in you that wants to live—just in a different form than the one you're in now. Their judgment does not deserve to erase that possibility.

 

[Arin]

I understand why you think that dying now is a way to avoid your family's rejection and disappointment. But if they care more about their image than about you, then they are not the kind of people worth sacrificing yourself for. If you took your own life, they would never see who you truly are, but the price would be your existence. And I'm not saying this because I believe that life has inherent value, but because you yourself have already implicitly said that your existence holds value for you: if you had been able to start therapy, you would be the happiest man on earth. This means that there is still something in you that wants to live—just in a different form than the one you're in now. Their judgment does not deserve to erase that possibility.

I have no one else. Transitioning would save my life but it wound also destroy it through the loss of my family. I wish I could have both but that just isn't an option, and I'm going to have to choose between killing myself and therefore saving my family from the burden and shame of having someone like me for a child, or saving myself through transitioning but killing what little love my family currently has for me. I can't make that choice. No matter what option I choose I'm fucked. Either I end up alone and unsupported, probably homeless, or I'll end up killing myself from having to live half-dead in a body that makes me want to tear my own skin off. Losing my family, and therefore what little support I currently have, would very likely result in suicide, and the alternative of repressing my identity will almost undoubtedly have the same ending. I'm screwed either way.

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

Realising I'm trans was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I can't go ONE FUCKING DAY without wanting to carve my own chest off with a carving knife. I've developed insomnia highly in part due to the sheer discomfort I feel when lying down, since I'm constantly, nonstop, aware that I have these parasitic fleshy slabs of fat growing on my chest like cancerous tumors. It's genuinely FUCKING UNBEARABLE. I feel like I'm submerged in liquid ice whenever I remember their presence. They're like two swollen ticks draining my will to live from my chest. They're not part of me. It feels so, so wrong, like I've had the body part of a whole different species stitched haphazardly onto my body, and I can't tear it off, no matter how hard I try. I can't even look in any mirrors shirtless because every time I do I want to be sick and usually start fucking crying, like actually physically crying with disgust and grief and despair, because I know they're only going to continue to cling to the flesh of my chest and there's nothing I can fucking do about it. I cannot even move without feeling like I'm about to vomit if my arm brushes against either of the parasites and I'm reminded of their presence.

Some people I know describe dysphoria like wearing shoes on the wrong feet, but that's a million times too tame for what it's actually like. It's more like someone tore off your skin and stitched someone else's back onto you, and it doesn't fit and it feels like the seams are splitting open and you just want to SCREAM from the pain. It's fucking agonising and I'm constantly in pain. I CANNOT EVEN FUCKING LOOK DOWN AT MY OWN BODY WITHOUT CRYING AND WANTING TO THROW UP. It's body horror from a first person perspective. I don't feel human. The body I'm inhabiting is unrecognisable, I don't know who the fuck it is but it surely isn't ME. It's not me. It's wrong.

AND THAT'S JUST ONE FUCKING ASPECT OF IT. Every time I open my mouth to speak, the sound of my voice makes me want to slit my neck so I can never use my vocal cords again. It sounds so, so wrong to have a female voice coming out of my throat; it feels malformed and distorted, like a recording that's had a fucked-up filter layered over it too many times. I don't recognise the sound of my own voice. I don't know what I sound like but it certainly isn't THIS fucking crooked gargling.

Every time I see my face in a mirror or photograph I'm again reminded of the fact that I will never, ever be male. Everything about it screams "FEMALE" for the whole world to see. I look so weak and soft and round, like a new-born baby girl, and it makes me just want to slice it all off it one go and have a red, mangled, bloody slab for a face. Anything's better than this. I'm so disgusted by what I see when I accidentally catch a glimpse of what I look like in a reflection; I'm just hit with an intense sense of shock and revulsion because I know that face isn't mine. It's not me I see, it's my deformed fucking body.

Every damned thing about the body I'm in is wrong. I can't fucking bear it. I feel sick when I remember I have nothing between my legs, just a bleeding wound I will never be able to bring myself to use. It's too repulsive. My height makes me feel like a child in comparison with my male peers, and my fucking, godawful hips are disgustingly wide and shatter any hope I have for my body to ever pass as male. Even my brain has developed wrong - I've been trained to be passive, inoffensive, polite, agreeable, NONE of the things I know I could've been if I'd have just been allowed to be myself as a child, not forced into this fucking cage. I am unmistakeable female, and I want to kill myself for it.

I very likely wouldn't want to CTB if I hadn't been trans. But this fucking realisation has meant that I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be happy. The environment I'm in has made it impossible for me to transition until I'm financially independent, and THAT isn't going to happen any time soon due to my dependency on my parents, who would rather me kill myself than transition. I won't be able to start until I'm probably in my early thirties or late twenties, and by then my body will have been poisoned by female hormones for years to the point of no return. Honestly, thinking about it now, I'm probably ALREADY past the point of no return - if I'd have just started when I was 10 or 11 or 12, maybe I could've prevented the changes and stayed a perfect, flat-chested rectangle, but I'm well past that point now. There is no hope left, no matter what. All I want now is for the suffering to end, so I can just die and stop feeling this pain. I have no future, nor any reasons to continue going. All I need to do now is decide on a method and find the courage to actually CTB for real this time. No more failed or half-hearted attempts. I just want to leave. Thanks.

As a trans guy I truly get it. It is indescribable horror and agony. I'm on testosterone now. I pass as male. My chest is small enough that I can go shirtless and get called he. But I will never be a cis guy. Regardless of how I look I won't have a dick that fully works. Yes I got a t dick that gets hard and is genuinely my natural anatomy. But I feel like I'll always be a half guy. I can't get a girl pregnant I can't even fuck like a guy. Yes I can have top surgery. Bottom surgery isn't an option because it won't give me what I need. Even tho everyone sees me as a guy I still look in the mirror and see my feminine features. Everyone hears a guy when I talk but I still hear the sane pathetic obnoxious high pitch girly voice. I absolutely hate it so much. I don't get why I couldn't have been born a guy or hell even a cis girl. I have sat there and contemplated taking my chest off myself. I mean what's the worst that happens? I bleed out? I have a stp packer and I love it but I can't feel it. I can't touch it and feel the sensation of my hand on it. It both relives and causes dysphoria. Sometimes the changes on testosterone are the best in the world and sometimes it just reminds me of what I'll never be able to I hate it so goddamn fucking much. A cis person could never fucking understand.

 

[tiredoflife2]

I'm in the UK also, the NHS is awful at the moment, you need a lot of money for private care for anything these days here. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds horrible for you. But it does seem like your parents are making your situation worse. I think the first step is trying to get someone to talk to outside of your family, someone you can confide in, who can be impartial.

Maybe then once you're strong enough, you could start distancing yourself from your family slowly and gaining independence. It's probably at that point that you can start living your life the way you want to. You need to get stronger first. I know what controlling parents can be like. Remember they won't always be around, you have to do what's best for you

 

[Mooseanonsky]

This is why gender affirming care is essential. I don't wanna hear SHIT from transphobes about it because they'll never know what it's like to go through this, especially in a world where you can't go anywhere online or irl without somebody shitting on transgender people, often out of fucking nowhere.


OP I'm sorry. I can relate, I'm enby and I absolutely hate my boobs. They're huge and I wish I could literally cut them off with a giant pair of scissors. I dream about being a perfect rectangle too. Looking in the mirror is awful because I know I'll never look like that. I'm so sorry you're going through this.