I'm being heavily watched right now. The one person who I confided in (and the only one who could truly "save" me) told my parents and my best friend about my dark thoughts and attempts. Then cut off contact. I shouldn't have burdened him with my problems but now the whole world knows. Everyone is making me feel like shit and selfish. Now I have loved ones just showing up at my house and some have a key. It's been made clear that it I talk about it further or try I will be Baker acted which is a thought worse than death. I'm pretty good at faking being alright, but now they know it's serious. Also this is my first night sober in forever and I can't escape the pain. So my options:
1) try full suspension again, I've bitched out so many times but can't afford being found out again especially being watched. I have insomnia and I'm up most of the night so the only option would be in the middle of the night.
2) I'm a few hours away from a high bridge with a 90% fatality rate. Stakes are high here though because it's heavily patrolled and a highway so I would have only like 3 minutes to pull over and jump. If I bitch out I'm instantly Baker acted. Also the risk of surviving is higher with someone younger and physically fit like myself. This scares me.
3) be a dumbass and buy another shotgun Three day waiting period and I've only had the guts to pull a trigger once. Didn't go off obviously.
4) just go numb and be alone and in pain every night. Wait it out, this is the most painful option. Especially know that everyone knows and is making me feel like such a piece of shit burden. Not having control over my life is what pushes me to these dark places. Now being bitched at constantly and losing the one person who I counted on for support is just too much.
What are everyone's thoughts or suggestions? People keep telling me I need help but this is the help I am seeking.
1) try full suspension again, I've bitched out so many times but can't afford being found out again especially being watched. I have insomnia and I'm up most of the night so the only option would be in the middle of the night.
2) I'm a few hours away from a high bridge with a 90% fatality rate. Stakes are high here though because it's heavily patrolled and a highway so I would have only like 3 minutes to pull over and jump. If I bitch out I'm instantly Baker acted. Also the risk of surviving is higher with someone younger and physically fit like myself. This scares me.
3) be a dumbass and buy another shotgun Three day waiting period and I've only had the guts to pull a trigger once. Didn't go off obviously.
4) just go numb and be alone and in pain every night. Wait it out, this is the most painful option. Especially know that everyone knows and is making me feel like such a piece of shit burden. Not having control over my life is what pushes me to these dark places. Now being bitched at constantly and losing the one person who I counted on for support is just too much.
What are everyone's thoughts or suggestions? People keep telling me I need help but this is the help I am seeking.
