i have multiple notes/messages i have prepared
the largest one is the physical one that would be next to my body. that one (currently) has about two paragraphs that briefly explain that i've lost hope in myself and it's my fault, one paragraph that clarifies some financial stuff (including the fact that my student loans my parents cosigned will die with me), a few sentences redirecting the reader to my computer for instructions on how to contact my friends, and one final declaration that includes an apology, calling myself selfish and saying that no one has to forgive me (i would rather them hate a corpse than themselves), and a thanks for all the effort that was put into me.
the rest of everything i will leave open on my computer. like i was saying i have a text file with instructions on how to tell my friends, they're all on discord and that can be a little hard to navigate if you don't know the platform. then i have a folder on my desktop with 3 more text files. one is a general one to all my friends that tells them how much they meant to me and thanks them for their genuine companionship, extremely briefly says i made my mind up about this for a while and no one caused it or could've done anything, and tells them they can have anything of mine they want. then i have two personalized messages to my closest friends, both just a couple paragraphs. i won't go into details for those. only one of them vaguely knows that i have experienced suicidal ideation at some point (i haven't told this one how i've nosedived recently) so i've padded their message with a lot of reassurances that there's nothing they could've realistically done to "save" me, there's not even anything they could've unrealistically done.
oh, and i guess i also have a final video that would go up on my youtube channel, too. it's a small art-focused channel that really only my friends care about. the video is just a compilation of random things with a song i like in the background. despite how much i don't upload, my channel is pretty important to me and is kind of representative of how i like to create things so i figured i may as well end it off with something at least.
can you tell i've overprepared the shit out of this? lol. i feel kinda embarrassed typing it all out...
anyways TL;DR, my physical note goes over some after-death details and is the only message that touches on the mental anguish i was going through. digital ones are aimed at my friends and are mainly about expressing my love for them, i don't want to drag them down with a bunch of sad stuff. i guess i could've just said this tldr part instead of writing multiple paragraphs... well, at least now you can see how my final messages got to be a whole subject. oh wow i'm really sorry for blabbering for so long, but i hope it helps or satisfies your curiosity a little bit!
those in my life should be well aware of why i want to die already (it's no secret), so i see no point explaining lengthily. they're not really going to understand regardless haha
i'm in kind of the opposite position where no one knows how suicidal i am or why, i think that's what tempts me to try to overexplain things. but i do share your last sentiment there about nobody understanding anyways. it's what keeps me from writing a whole dissertation on how i got to this point; realistically, no one is ever going to understand what pushed me into this position this except for myself. the best thing that i can do is just flatly state how i was feeling and not feel the need to justify it.
