Story First date of my life

[BeansOfRequirement]

Late 20s, never been on a date. Autistic man-child, virgin, no friends, my job is probably less attractive than if I was unemployed (I have dreams/plans, but the current situation and maybe months or even years ahead look like I'll be in the same spot), I live with mommy and daddy, not a lot of cash (basically some spending money, homeless without parental support), severe psychological problems, and I think I'm actually a narcissist, or at least leaning heavily in that direction, depressed as fuck, crying and rage attacks, not sure if I can have penetrative sex with my dick (plan is to buy her a vibrator and whatever, and do mouth/hand stuff on her if it comes to that).

So, been doing online dating for a very short while again. I'm apparently somewhere around 9/10 in optimal lighting and angle, lost like 30 lbs of mostly fat and have been doing some strength training for a while, am fairly tall but not the optimal height of 6'6 or whatever, so, I can fortunately (?) get some superficial/first glance attention from pretty cute ladies (a few of them look so good I get fully erect, sleep problems, and have my mouth open almost drooling at their pictures). As long as I don't mention anything about me that is of substance in any profiles, they seem okay with sending one or two short I-have-1000-guys-in-my-inbox-which-one-are-you-again messages.

So, first I managed to fuck up virtually every single match by being "honest" (i.e basically crashing out and giving some of the information above right away, not the sexual stuff obviously). I asked for feedback from one of the girls, a smart/kind person that I would love to get like non-sexual dates with and just hang out. She said "she"/women in general didn't care about profession, and didn't want to even speak for her own preference but tried to imply stuff with like "many women want" and "people may prefer", but the gist of it was that she didn't want to go on a date (and she wasn't looking for friendship, either, which I'm fine with as I just want to hang out with a woman anyway, and maybe she'll introduce me to some of her friends later or whatever, or start liking my personality somehow, get some social circle going and stuff). Her reason being basically that I wasn't confident, IIRC I was writing long ass messages whining about getting rejected or whatever, basically no filter. I guess my thinking is that if I do that and they still want to date, I'll basically be set up since she'll probably be attracted to me physically and not need me to have my shit together in any timely fashion. There's not much I can do to deter them if they know all of that and still want to date. If I instead do the strategy I did just now, it's more of an uncertain path forward, involving using more energy and money:

Advice she gave was to be brief and assume the girl already wants to go on a date, which actually makes sense (to some extent, or generally) if she likes my appearance and whatever humor I can show off in the few messages leading to the date. So, that's what I did on the next opportunity. Short, flirty messages, emojis, jokes, and straight up just didn't answer the job question when she asked. I'm not going to lie to anyone, and if it's an important deal breaker I guess she'd probably have repeated the question? Maybe..? I'll bring cash to the date so if she feels scammed I can compensate her a bit.

I was also in contact with a possibly alcoholic woman who seems to not give a fuck about job/status/etc, we're currently on some sort of rickety track to maybe become friends at some point, I don't exactly think my friendship is at the top of anyone's list. She basically feels sorry for me and wants to help me out, is how I'm interpreting it. It would be cool if she was tsundering the fuck out of me, but there's no good evidence of that (because of my extreme desperation I tend to interpret everything as they being interested in me, there are two things but not at all good evidence: I did something quirky and she wrote "I like that kind of guy" or something, and she also said she "wanted" ("I'm down to" or whatever) to meet right after she asked me if I was a virgin). I am more than happy to be friends with her since I think we're both fairly relaxed about the whole societal norms and standards. But still, she apparently was mixing me up with other guys since she has so many matches that several guys have the same fucking name (this shit is fucked up) and said we all looked alike (so no bonus for appearance).

Not sure if anyone reading this will remember me on here, and I understand this may be of little interest, but I was a frequent poster several years ago when I was more immature and basically a horrible person. I have now developed empathy and stuff and done like a 180 on my internal development, but the external stuff is still in the same place, basically. So, guess I'm setting y'all up to find out what happens after the date, providing she doesn't ask about my job beforehand or I give in to the temptation of sending her a crashout message, in all likelihood preventing the date from happening.

Hope you're all doing fine this week, if you're struggling I have a meditation megathread I welcome you to check out. The why and how are all in there. I've been taking this year off to do more stupid dating and getting rid of porn addiction stuff, some working, and just being stupid and lazy unfortunately.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Yo, anyone have some advice or something? Forgot to ask and was then surprised no one gave me advice.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Sounds like you're making some progress, so good for you. I always thought you were probably a solid dude, just need to relax more. And it's likely a good idea to mask some when it comes to things like your insecurities, at least initially. Don't make the mistake of thinking you should let it all hang out and if she sticks around for it, she's the right one for you - I tend to think that's a bit naive.

I would focus on having fun with your dates and keeping the experiences lighthearted and maybe a bit unpredictable. Keep her on her toes, don't be needy, and you'll go a long way.

Good luck to you.

 

[-Link-]

Autistic man-child

You're persevering through serious adversity.

virgin

You're open to new experiences.

no friends

You're independent.

my job is probably less attractive than if I was unemployed

You're steadily employable.

I live with mommy and daddy, not a lot of cash

You're saving up for your own place.

severe psychological problems

You're working on being a better version of yourself.

I think I'm actually a narcissist

You're self-aware.

depressed as fuck

You're empathetic and thoughtful.

crying and rage attacks

You're in tune with your emotions.

, not sure if I can have penetrative sex with my dick (plan is to buy her a vibrator and whatever, and do mouth/hand stuff on her if it comes to that)

You're going to show her a good time.

.

^Sometimes it's all in how you spin it~

And, if I may... Your potential here reads about as high as can possibly be observed in someone asking for dating advice. I'm tempted to wish you good luck, but I'm not sure you actually need it as much as you might think you do.

I do wish you well with this though.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Sounds like you're making some progress, so good for you. I always thought you were probably a solid dude, just need to relax more. And it's likely a good idea to mask some when it comes to things like your insecurities, at least initially. Don't make the mistake of thinking you should let it all hang out and if she sticks around for it, she's the right one for you - I tend to think that's a bit naive.

I would focus on having fun with your dates and keeping the experiences lighthearted and maybe a bit unpredictable. Keep her on her toes, don't be needy, and you'll go a long way.

Good luck to you.

Thanks man, I think I remember getting annoyed at you a few years back when I was complaining about not having a gf or something, lol, cool to see we've at least made it this far. If I remember correctly you're a big and tall fella living with your gf? It's good advice, but my mood shifts a lot and brings my entire personality with it. I'm also probably going to be exhausted when it's time for the date, and getting tired basically shuts everything good about me down. End of the day I'll try to see if we're compatible personality-wise (not sure I even want to date her just because she's extremely cute, a little older and Asian (not Japanese, though, I'd probably have severe sleep problems if she was 30 and Japanese, those who know the lore knows [probably no one reading this], kind of joking here).

Right, so, I may have a few options at the moment, and I plan to get my shit together (more) within a year, and am looking at really getting my shit together within ten years. Now, it would be preferable to not get my first gf in my late 30s but at least I'm avoiding becoming a 40 year old virgin, whilst still getting the magical powers from being a 30 y/o virgin. Two of them had extremely sexually charged photos, unfortunately one got banned or left (pretty sure not a fake profile, either), but the other one was somehow so fucking sexy and looked very unique. Wouldn't be surprised if she was really non-judgemental or even autistic-ish. I also only dated for a brief period, I actually figured I needed to do this for a year to find my unicorn who doesn't mind my living situation/severe disabilities. Tbf, it seems my main problem with women who are ok with my appearance isn't the job but the lack of confidence (psychological disaster + autism). So, I'm not sure I should assume I want to bag whoever is fine with me that I meet first, could be good to have some nerve if I can.

You're persevering through serious adversity.


You're open to new experiences.


You're independent.


You're steadily employable.


You're saving up for your own place.


You're working on being a better version of yourself.


You're self-aware.


You're empathetic and thoughtful.


You're in tune with your emotions.


You're going to show her a good time.

.

^Sometimes it's all in how you spin it~

And, if I may... Your potential here reads about as high as can possibly be observed in someone asking for dating advice. I'm tempted to wish you good luck, but I'm not sure you actually need it as much as you might think you do.

I do wish you well with this though.

My potential reads about as high as can possible be observed? What? Not sure what gave you the impression I was a great choice for women, but thanks for the encouragement.

crying and rage attacks

"You're in tune with your emotions."

 

[soon4good]

I feel embarrassed fantasizing about being on a first date or similar and I think that embarrassment is one reason I've stopped fantasizing about anything at all for the most part.

 

[hippiedeath]

Ideal first date........lots and lots of booze, a condom, and a phone number

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Ideal first date........lots and lots of booze, a condom, and a phone number

I'd like to hug, hold hands, make out, etc, before having sex, lol. Also wouldn't want to do it drunk.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

No one asked, but she forgot we even had a date and said she was too tired to meet up

 

[-Link-]

My potential reads about as high as can possible be observed? What? Not sure what gave you the impression I was a great choice for women, but thanks for the encouragement.

Where I was coming from with this: It sounds like you're getting a fair amount of attention on the dating app, at least as far as initial contacts. You said you're fairly tall and a 9/10 "in good lighting", and that you've developed empathy and done a turnaround on some past inner demons. Plus you're actively working on improving your body and keeping in shape which not only shows in physical appearance but also tends to translate into how you carry yourself as a whole (including through text, even).

Whether you're "a great choice for women", I couldn't guess one way or the other. The (high) potential I'm gleaning here, I think, is because it sounds like you've got a solid foundation to work with, and this gives you more room for error than I surmise the average guy would have, particularly in the online dating scene.

No one asked, but she forgot we even had a date and said she was too tired to meet up

Depending on how far ahead you're scheduling a first date, you'd probably do well to have a couple brief text exchanges between that initial contact and the date itself. Light. Playful. You could allude to something about your upcoming date. Just enough that you keep yourselves on each other's minds, maybe also setting a certain tone for the date before you even meet up.

One way to approach texting is by trying to match her energy. For instance, if she only communicates in one-line texts, then you'd look at keeping your texts relatively short as well. If she communicates in essay format, then you're probably safe to go into more depth in your own texts.

If you were already doing this, then either this girl's scatterbrained, or who knows what could be going on with her. If you're still interested, you could invite her out again but probably in a way where you pretend the whole "forgot about our date" thing didn't even happen.

I'd like to hug, hold hands, make out, etc, before having sex, lol.

Another angle that occurs to me here is that some girls will only be interested in hooking up with you. If these girls perceive you as looking for something more, then that's where you might see a higher rate of cancelling or ghosting, etc.

Their perception is their reality. So, if you're open to hookups, you'd look at why a girl might assume otherwise.

And if you're not open to hookups, you just allow for the higher fizzle rate without attributing it to actual rejection.

Advice she gave was to be brief and assume the girl already wants to go on a date

I would definitely echo this person's advice.

Regardless of whether or not you're interested in a hookup, you only really need a basic amount of communication. Sometimes less is more, at least in terms of communicating, especially in that very early talking stage where you're just leading up to a first date.

Rather than looking at this as "lying" or hiding who you are, look at it as pacing yourself as far as what you're sharing. It's just part of the process in those very early stages, that if you give someone a chance to get to know your positives and strengths first, they'll usually be more open and understanding about the heavier stuff later.