Venting Feeling selfish for wanting to ctb

[inkmage333]

My parents had a pretty bad fight earlier today over some of my college fund stuff. As a result I had to take my little sibling away from the room to keep them safe. It's not the first time I've had to do that before, last year we had to leave the house and go to my friend's house until my parents stopped fighting because we genuinely feared for our lives and safety.

And it made me realize something: when I'm gone, there'll be no one to keep my sibling safe from my parents when they fight. I'm already moving away from my family (the new environment might be good for me since I'll be away from my parents), but in that case, who'll be there to keep my sibling safe? It'd be so much worse if I caught the bus, because not only would my sibling have to deal with the loss, but they'd have to deal with my parents fighting as well.

Not to mention, my parents fought earlier because of me. If I caught the bus, they might fight even more and my sibling would be much more emotionally affected.

But I can't help it. I can't help wanting to die, and I feel horrible and selfish for it. If I died, things would be so much worse for my sibling because of my parents, but it's also (somewhat) because of my parents that I want to ctb. I'm selfishly wanting to die for the sake of freeing myself when I'll make things worse for the one person in this family that truly didn't deserve it in the slightest.

I hate that my parents fight over me. One part of me fantasizes that they'll fight less if I'm gone, to unite over their grief, but I know deep down that they hate each other more than they love me, so they'll realistically fight more and blame each other for my death. If I was killed by someone else they'd be less likely to blame each other than if I killed myself, and my sibling's safety would be much more likely.

I think I'm trapped in an endless...purgatory? Hell? I don't know. I have to live for the sake of keeping people safe, but I don't want to. I really don't. I want to be freed from that responsibility forever, and the only way I can do that is if I died.

 

[ipmanwc0]

Is child protective services an option

 

[inkmage333]

Is child protective services an option

Unironically I think calling cps would somehow make things worse, if they get called and then leave without doing anything (the more likely option) my parents would fight more, if they get called and take my sibling away somewhere I might lose contact while they end up in a worse situation. Damned if you do damned if you don't

 

[inkmage333]

Double-post sorry, but it's kinda related to the title so I didn't feel like making an entirely new thread.

My mom told me earlier about how my grandma ctb. I'm not gonna go into it because I feel like the details surrounding my grandma's suicide should be private (all I'll say is that she did it long before my mom even reached adulthood), but when my mom talked about what she did before she ctb I just...felt horrible.

Again, not going into detail, but what she did before she died sounded so similar to what I planned to do for my family before I ctb. I felt horrible then because I realized I'd be opening up old wounds particularly for my mom.

But I just...can't deal with being alive anymore. I want the pain to stop, but nothing I've done has stopped the pain. Everything recommended in therapy hasn't worked, meds haven't worked, self-care hasn't worked...I could go on. I'm selfish, horribly selfish because at this point I'd rather die than live another second, but at the same time I'd hurt people that shouldn't be hurt.

I've only ever valued myself. That's what everyone's said to me. That I'm selfish and emotionally immature. And that's fine, I don't feel guilt for anything I've done in my life. I'm only feeling guilt because someone will feel hurt, but for my actual actions, I don't feel bad.

And that applies here. I think I feel bad because I know people will be hurt by what I do. But I don't think I'll feel bad for actually dying.