Feeling rage for the first time in so long

[woofwag]

I am not an angry person. I am shy, passive, silly at the best of times but woeful and depressing at the worst (lately almost always the worst). Within the past couple weeks this has changed completely.

The smallest things set me off. I made a smoothie that tastes bad? I want to shatter all the bones in my fist on the nearest door. I feel left out of something? I have decided that by sheer willpower I am going to make the sun blow up. My feet hurt? All of the ground is an insult against me personally, and I ought to take a pickaxe to the streets for revenge.

Of course, I control myself. On the outside I maintain the same mask I have pieced together from a collage of the best traits of the people around me, charismatic movie characters, and dedicated research into what makes a person desirable. But I think I am going to snap soon. Exhaustion is my worst enemy in the battle against losing my mask, and orientation for my new job is gruelling. We just sit there. For hours. While having a bunch of information thrown at us, half of it not even being relevant to the job.

It's not just objects or forces I have violent desires towards. It's people. And most unfortunately, animals. I feel horrible for this, and I could never tell anyone in my real life about it, but I have genuinely almost hurt my roommate's cat at multiple points in time. She is extremely loud and will meow for long periods of time demanding attention, but she will bite if you pet her wrong, and she will get upset if you don't feed her specific foods at specific times even if it's not my fucking problem to do that cuz it's not my cat, and when I'm already overstimulated I get infuriated. I have already hissed at her very aggressively multiple times and shoved her off of counters instead of putting her down like I normally do. I'm scared I may end up legitimately hurting her. I've caught myself at multiple points where I almost kicked her. Idk what to do about it.

It's getting the the point where I will lock myself up in my room whenever I'm not at work and try not to message people as much as I can. I worry about snapping at them for no reason. I'm becoming resentful over things that don't even matter and have never mattered to me before. I am furious at everyone. I hate everyone. Genuinely, everyone. Even those who I love the most.

I'm already inundated with exhaustion, intrusive thoughts, overstimulation, depression, all my PTSD symptoms, the fallout of my system abandoning me, this new job, and a billion more things I won't name. Something's got to give. I'm hoping the person I snap on will be me. I'm hoping I'll kill myself in a fit of rage, or at the very least hurt myself. Somehow even that infuriates me. That I feel forced to do this because nothing seems to help and I don't even have the time or willpower to try to get anymore help regardless. I'm infuriated that I can't seem to ever feel better, to ever feel happy. And I'm infuriated at the idea of trying to ever be happy, and more so at other people who want me to "get better" and want to help when I don't want any fucking help. I want permission to be a disaster and expel of all the rage I'm holding in, but polite society doesn't allow for that. I don't even want to let it out anyway. I just want it to go away. I just want myself to go away. I want to kill someone, but I am too cowardly to do that so I know it will end up being me who I kill.

When I get the money, I'm going to buy a gun. Not to ctb with, but for the ultimate form of protection. The ultimate outlet if someone threatens me to the point that I could lawfully justify using it. Doubt it'll ever happen. But I imagine it might bring some relief. Fuck, how I want any form of relief.

 

[GabenBeaver]

The smallest things set me off. I made a smoothie that tastes bad? I want to shatter all the bones in my fist on the nearest door. I feel left out of something? I have decided that by sheer willpower I am going to make the sun blow up. My feet hurt? All of the ground is an insult against me personally, and I ought to take a pickaxe to the streets for revenge.

Honestly this really resonates with me (english is not my first language, im sorry for idiotic mistakes on my part). I think that for all of my life i got mad really easily. When i was a kid i used to bang my head on the desk in school when i got pissed, which in turn got me bullied lol. I might have damaged my noggin in the process since im an absolute dimwit when it comes to social interaction, which made my life in school even worse. I wish i killed myself when i was younger because my inability to control my anger made my mother not enjoy my presence for a bit. I tried to go to therapists with it but i never really bothered to continue.

I'm hoping I'll kill myself in a fit of rage, or at the very least hurt myself. Somehow even that infuriates me.

When i got angry i used to cut but now i just think about killing myself too. Recently i started thinking about hurting others when im upset, which makes me wants to kill myself even more since i feel like an even bigger piece of shit.

Im sorry if my reply is pointless and stupid. I was never really active on forms of any kind. Im really sorry if my reply sounds awkward.

 

[jengablocks]

yea. sometimes i can experience nigh-homicidal ideation at completely minor perceived insults. it's uniquely lonely when emotional intensity manifests outwardly at others instead of inward like that. even a more progressive society just doesn't really have a place for accepting anything that deviates from a sort of "perfect victim" archetype, someone who is shy, nervous, and depressed but doesn't suffer from being prone to turning that onto the people and things around them.

I'm infuriated at the idea of trying to ever be happy, and more so at other people who want me to "get better" and want to help when I don't want any fucking help. I want permission to be a disaster and expel of all the rage I'm holding in, but polite society doesn't allow for that.

it sort of sounds like the help u need *is* to expel the anger, to have an outlet for it. the mask has to slip eventually, that's just universal. it's hard when you don't have anywhere to do that. to just thrash around and scream. there is usually nobody to talk to about it. nobody has awareness of the harm that you can do more than you yourself, all the while not being able to confide in people, "i feel the urge to tear human beings apart in a feral, frenzied rage sometimes."

i think there's often lots of shame involved in anger, that's what it's like for me. it feels awful, it's like a curse. i don't want to feel such intense distress, and especially not like this. a lot of it is loneliness for me, like there's a growing resentment of the world and "other" people that builds and builds as i'm so different from the rest of them. and it all just compounds on itself, loneliness upon loneliness, feeding the resentment even more, but never being able to let it out.