Feeling numb despite having fun.

[LostLily]

I just got back from hanging out with two friends at a Barcade. Even though I had fun, I felt numb, and I cannot shake this feeling of having a "hole" inside me. During the event, I still can't shake the thought "I'm gonna miss them," and "I still want to die". Does anyone else have this feeling even during moments of "fun"?

For context, these two friends do not know that I was just released from a mental ward after two weeks. I don't want to worry them, which is why I haven't told them. One of them is the most anxious person I know and I have a feeling that if I tell him, he will drive me crazy and call me every day, and if I don't pick up he will assume the worst. The other is a co-worker so I'm worried it will be awkward when I go back to work. I haven't been to work in nearly 3 weeks, and luckily, this co-worker respects my privacy and doesn't ask me what is going on.

 

[777cave]

I haven't actually. IDK the last time I had fun. I have socialized on occasion and was able to act appropriately. I understand your reasoning on not telling your friends, I wouldn't either. I'm glad you're still able to have fun and hope it continues.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I've had similar experiences, where I know that I'm "supposed" to be feeling good but instead there is only the absence of negative emotions, but no actual positive ones. Joy is unknown to me.

@derpyderpins said it best, "I'll have the thought in my head "this is nice, I'm lucky, I'm grateful," but whatever that emotion chemical is just doesn't activate."

Then I just think, what's even the point? Why even try to have "good" experiences if I can't actually, you know, have them?

 

[UserFromNowhere]

Yeah, I can definitely relate to the feeling of "having fun but being numb," even though it won't keep me around. It's not a feeling I'll miss, because every interaction or moment where I'm supposed to be having fun, where I feel happy, is constantly filled with the backdrop of wanting to die, and it's not something you can admit to other people either.

 

[Lily6759]

I have the exact same thing with all of my friends that I know in real life. The big thing is, all of them are from many years back when I was still in high school, and I just kind hang onto them. I don't really talk to them much anymore, I barely even think of them as friends. Whenever we do things together, it feels like I'm not gaining anything I actually want. I'm passing time, it's giving me enjoyment in the moment, but it doesn't fix my overall loneliness, I don't feel like they understand me in any way, so connections with them are weak in general.
Certain people just aren't going to give you the meaning to your friendships with them that you want. They won't help, they will probably just get scared and try to push you into getting help that means nothing.
The only thing you can really do is find people that you can relate to better, people that you feel more close with, where it feels like there is a reason to be friends with them specifically, rather than being friends for the sake of it.

Think of it kinda like a relationship. Many people want love, they want to feel what being loved is, they want romantic and sexual affection. But they can't get that from just anyone, they need it from someone they genuinely love enough.
It's no different with friendships imo, just to a different extent and obv different context.

 

[kotonearisato]

God, I was just feeling this last night. I went out to a showing of an old movie with my husband and three friends, and I theoretically had a great time. It was a really good atmosphere, the movie was funny, just generally solid vibes all around. But lingering in the back of my mind all night was just "I'm so sorry for what's going to happen in the future, but I can't do this anymore". Like a shadow that follows me every time I laugh at a joke or smile. No matter how "fun" something is or how glad I am for being able to do it, it's just never enough to fix whatever has been rotting inside of me for so long. Wishing you the best OP, coming back to the world after being in a mental hospital is very overwhelming.

 

[Dejected 55]

I couldn't tell you the last time I had fun. Had to be at some point when I was a kid playing outside or riding my bike or something. I still sometimes laugh, but it has to be really funny or really in the weird side of my wheelhouse. Regular funny things that I know I used to find funny just aren't funny anymore.

I have that empty feeling with most things I do, I don't have fun then feel the empty later. I skip right past the fun and to the empty. It is to the point now where I really just don't do anything I don't have to do besides watch TV and listen to music.

 

[bankai]

Did you meet at a hole in the wall?


Yeah, anyway, I get what you're saying. I've lost interest in socializing mostly. I just go through the motions when I interact with people. Nowadays all my old friends are in different cities and countries. I only meet new people from work. We usually have an outing once in a while. I'll go to that. That's about it.Be careful with people from the workplace. There might be decent people, but you just cannot confide in them too much. And be really careful about who you confide in real life to as well.