Feeling guilty for the pain I'm causing

[kindalone]

Today, my sister told me I often leave the room without telling her. We used to hang out a lot and are really close but right now I'm probably at my worst ever and all I wanna do is isolate. So I just automatically leave the room to go for my computer when nobody is looking or if I don't need to be there anymore. She told me today she feels very lonely and has fears that I leave her alone when she isn't looking. It kinda broke my heart that even a few minutes away from me could make her this sad. Considering the fact that I want to CTB eventually, it just makes me feel like the biggest fucking asshole ever. My life is failing and I feel like the inevitable only gets prolonged. What is she gonna feel when I'm gone forever? And what pain do I have to go through just so she doesn't need to? I don't wanna stay alive. But I can't die knowing that she might even follow me. She already expressed her struggles with depression to me. It might be the last straw. I honestly feel trapped. It's like I'm in some garbage compactor and the walls are closing in on me. But I have to stay alive while my bones are getting crushed.

 

[chloramine]

That's hard. For what it's worth you're not an asshole for struggling. We all have limits and as much as we'd like to be able to do more it's just not always possible.

You're both in awful situations and your situation might make hers harder (and visa versa), but it's the underlying causes, not you or her, that are making things worse. Like if my friend, through no fault of their own, got their leg broken and needed a lot of help doing simple tasks. That might make my life worse but the fault doesn't lie with either party.

It sounds like you're doing the best you can and care a lot. I know the feelings you're describing and I really hope something changes somewhere to make things easier.

 

[m1v]

You seem to value your sister a lot, your level of caring is beyond admirable, honestly.

Maybe still try to keep in touch as often as you did (that doesn't necessarily mean physically, but online or other ways) Something like texting her, or playing games together from time to time. I think it's important to keep a distance, aka 'isolate' when you truly feel like doing so. That's where you might discover different ways to keep her unworried, and assured, maybe find new hobbies, or even, simply peace.

You're nowhere close to being an asshole, I love reading your posts and they're always so touching, you're someone of great value, and you have infinite potential as a brother, please keep that in mind! Take this situation easy. Much love xx

Ps: Guilt arises naturally from loving relationships and wanting others to thrive..remember!

 

[kindalone]

That's hard. For what it's worth you're not an asshole for struggling. We all have limits and as much as we'd like to be able to do more it's just not always possible.

You're both in awful situations and your situation might make hers harder (and visa versa), but it's the underlying causes, not you or her, that are making things worse. Like if my friend, through no fault of their own, got their leg broken and needed a lot of help doing simple tasks. That might make my life worse but the fault doesn't lie with either party.

It sounds like you're doing the best you can and care a lot. I know the feelings you're describing and I really hope something changes somewhere to make things easier.

Thanks for your words. I know that a lot of things aren't in my power but I feel like I could have done a lot better. Maybe things are gonna change for the better in the future but I won't get my hopes up.

You seem to value your sister a lot, your level of caring is beyond admirable, honestly.

Maybe still try to keep in touch as often as you did (that doesn't necessarily mean physically, but online or other ways) Something like texting her, or playing games together from time to time. I think it's important to keep a distance, aka 'isolate' when you truly feel like doing so. That's where you might discover different ways to keep her unworried, and assured, maybe find new hobbies, or even, simply peace.

You're nowhere close to being an asshole, I love reading your posts and they're always so touching, you're someone of great value, and you have infinite potential as a brother, please keep that in mind! Take this situation easy. Much love xx

Ps: Guilt arises naturally from loving relationships and wanting others to thrive..remember!

Thanks for saying that. I'm glad that my posts and vents are appreciated by someone.