Venting Feeling guilty for having ctb thoughts

[Loverboy2000]

It's been 3 months since me and my ex got seperated and I have been dealing with my deteriorating mental health since then. The depression, anxiety, not eating, and insomnia everything is just hitting very hard. When I see people here on sasu I feel so bad because all these people have so many genuine problems, they have been through so much and then they want to ctb, and I am already thinking of ctb with this problem in my life. I wanted to spend my life with this person she was my evrything and now my world is legit crumbling apart. My own parents don't understand me, they do love me a lot but they never understand my feelings. My life isn't terribly bad either, I am healthy I am able to workout, I have a job that pays bills but then why am I so unhappy, why is it so hard to get out of bed every morning. Why is the thought of ctb always at the back of my mind especially when I wake up every morning, why do I beg god to kill me. I have sn and meto ready with me but I am just not able to pursue my final step because I keep thinking what would happen to my family and how even though mentally I am suffering, physically I should be fine? I also saw some threads of people saying you shouldn't ctb for end of a relationship but I am not sure how to make someone understand it wasn't just a relationship, it was my everything, it was my identity, it was my future, she was my everything and due to my own faults she was pushed away. She loved me more than anything and made me her priority and I don't think I'll ever find it again. This is just a rant because I know people here might understand what I am going through and I am very sorry if anything I said came off as insensitive I am genuinely just trying to get everything I have been thinking. So is it working to think I want to kill myself, is it wrong that I don't have any fight in me left, is it wrong that I have given up on god and universe because they took the one aspect of life away from me which i always always prayed for? Any opinions would be very much appreciated.

 

[Namelesa]

You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling suicidal at all as they were forced into this life without any choice and so we should be allowed to quit it early if we want to no matter the reason. I can understand the settlement of maybe waiting a bit to see you move on from the break up but break ups for some people can have such long lasting effects that time itself can't fix so break ups are a totally valid reason for ctb.

I totally understand saying the relationship you was such important part of your life that without it you have less will to live. I have had that same perspective with my relationships and saw them as my main purpose to live. My first relationship was also my first real taste of friendship so when that ended it entirely broke me cus now life felt empty without human connection.

 

[Loverboy2000]

You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling suicidal at all as they were forced into this life without any choice and so we should be allowed to quit it early if we want to no matter the reason. I can understand the settlement of maybe waiting a bit to see you move on from the break up but break ups for some people can have such long lasting effects that time itself can't fix so break ups are a totally valid reason for ctb.

I totally understand saying the relationship you was such important part of your life that without it you have less will to live. I have had that same perspective with my relationships and saw them as my main purpose to live. My first relationship was also my first real taste of friendship so when that ended it entirely broke me cus now life felt empty without human connection.

I am waiting, I am trying to get my own place and make big decisions, but then this was my first love and I just wanted to be happy with her. I can't even fathom being with anyone else. Thanks for telling me it's okay to have ctb thoughts because lately I have been feeling guilty for alot of things and this just added onto it. This person was not only my person but she was also my best friend, someone I went talking to 24x7 to nothing, and with all this I also lost some of my closest friends because they were divided among us. And with all of this going on, I genuinely don't think I will be able to move on or have it in me to make it through… it just feels so surreal at times because I had the perfect life which got ruined due to my own actions of not being able to stand up for myself and now I hate almost everything about me leading to ctb…

 

[Well_Its_Time]

It's been 3 months since me and my ex got seperated and I have been dealing with my deteriorating mental health since then. The depression, anxiety, not eating, and insomnia everything is just hitting very hard. When I see people here on sasu I feel so bad because all these people have so many genuine problems, they have been through so much and then they want to ctb, and I am already thinking of ctb with this problem in my life. I wanted to spend my life with this person she was my evrything and now my world is legit crumbling apart. My own parents don't understand me, they do love me a lot but they never understand my feelings. My life isn't terribly bad either, I am healthy I am able to workout, I have a job that pays bills but then why am I so unhappy, why is it so hard to get out of bed every morning. Why is the thought of ctb always at the back of my mind especially when I wake up every morning, why do I beg god to kill me. I have sn and meto ready with me but I am just not able to pursue my final step because I keep thinking what would happen to my family and how even though mentally I am suffering, physically I should be fine? I also saw some threads of people saying you shouldn't ctb for end of a relationship but I am not sure how to make someone understand it wasn't just a relationship, it was my everything, it was my identity, it was my future, she was my everything and due to my own faults she was pushed away. She loved me more than anything and made me her priority and I don't think I'll ever find it again. This is just a rant because I know people here might understand what I am going through and I am very sorry if anything I said came off as insensitive I am genuinely just trying to get everything I have been thinking. So is it working to think I want to kill myself, is it wrong that I don't have any fight in me left, is it wrong that I have given up on god and universe because they took the one aspect of life away from me which i always always prayed for? Any opinions would be very much appreciated.

I fully understand how you feel. I messed up my wife and my job because of mental health. I am probably much older than you are but the pain of feeling unconditional love go away in unbearable. I see no future in my life. I see no hope. I know that if I get through this, I will destroy everything all over again. I just can't handle this anymore. I have lived my life emotionally hurting people and it is in my soul. It must end and I must end it.

 

[dead dav]

I know we're your coming from I messed up my marriage too
It's OK to feel suicidal I do just take your time to think it out

 

[Reflection]

I understand you perfectly. First love, she was just such a pure snd kind soul and then everything went to shit. Sometimes I doubt myself as well, but then again this pain that we're feeling should be proof enough that we're not just acting like crybabies, what we're feeling is real. I decided to see this through till the end, till I am somehow back with her again or certain that the ship has sailed without me, it's a hard battle. I wish you the best as well.