Feeling free

[End.of.the.line]

I've always been a bit timid around other people. I thought that once I decided I will ctb I would feel a lot more free. Its Like if I'm going to kill myself then why should I care what other people think of me or if I make a fool of myself. But in reality I'm still the same quiet person.

I'm getting closer to my end everyday and I don't want to be all depressed about it. I'd much rather feel good and enjoy the little time I have left. Any advice guys?

 

[GeorgeJL]

Well I am going to play a spotify playlist before I go. Have some incense going, meditate, contemplate life. Take some psychedelics a few days before. Bang an escort a week before if I'm not already married. Those are my ideas.

 

[406metallicblue]

Well I am going to play a spotify playlist before I go. Have some incense going, meditate, contemplate life. Take some psychedelics a few days before. Bang an escort a week before. Those are my ideas.

that sounds like a recipe for wanting to continue with life, not end it, haha

 

[GeorgeJL]

that sounds like a recipe for wanting to continue with life, not end it, haha

LOL well I don't plan on taking my life until I'm an old man and I'm 36 now so. But I have N right now in my refrigerator ready for use.

 

[3cookies]

Since I've ordered my things for SN I don't feel free per say I feel peace. And to me that's better than feeling free. Why? Because I have accepted this life is not for me, I cannot continue on suffering daily from all my illnesses and diseases. In my heart I know I'm doing the right thing. I am calm.
I think if I felt free from the reasons I'm going to ctb I'd be second guessing myself. You are timid as a person, you can accept that or fight against it till the day you go. I suppose what I'm staying is the longer you fight against your nature the less likely you are to feel peace or freedom. I hope you find your freedom & peace

 

[406metallicblue]

LOL well I don't plan on taking my life until I'm an old man and I'm 36 now so. But I have N right now in my refrigerator ready for use.

is there a use by date on that bottle? like 2040?

 

[GeorgeJL]

is there a use by date on that bottle? like 2040?

No, but it's in powder form which I can be kept for decades if put in the refrigerator which I have done. I really need to re-package it so that it will last longer. And I havn't tested it's quantitative levels yet. Which I already have a testing kit for.

 

[End.of.the.line]

You are timid as a person, you can accept that or fight against it till the day you go. I suppose what I'm staying is the longer you fight against your nature the less likely you are to feel peace or freedom.

Im sick of living that way so I think I'll try to fight it. I don't think it's in my nature to be timid. If I had lived my life a different way and under different circumstances then maybe I could have turns out different. Either way I feel like I should be doing something special with my remaining time but right now I'm just siting in my room doing same old shit I uasually do.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

I've always been a bit timid around other people. I thought that once I decided I will ctb I would feel a lot more free. Its Like if I'm going to kill myself then why should I care what other people think of me or if I make a fool of myself. But in reality I'm still the same quiet person.

I'm getting closer to my end everyday and I don't want to be all depressed about it. I'd much rather feel good and enjoy the little time I have left. Any advice guys?

Ik what you mean. I also enjoy my last days; even my bday fall 1 or 2 weeks before the "day".
Its hard tho bc its all im thinking about constantly
And thus i just dont care about anything anymore and pushing ppl away.
I bet by the time i do it- ill literally have 0 ppl.
I already have 1 person. But they are only human- how much can they take right?

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

I have avoidant personality (AvPD) and so I'm struggling with similar issues. I feel like it just sucks the life out of you.. when I get awkward around people the thought of killing myself calms me down a bit. Hell, I always have to overthink and over analyze things even when writing here and it's so frustrating.

 

[Manfromtheocean]

I've been meditating for a long time and it's been helping me a lot to cope with depression and neet/hiki life in general. I feel kind of pleasant thinking about ctb, always with a knowing little smile on my face.
I think that meditation could really help you. There's also tons of scientific studies that back that.