Venting ex reached out to me and asked if I was doing okay, dont really know if I should answer

[dayy]

First post and fresh account but I've been lurking for around 2 ish weeks, decided to finally make an account since this is kind of in the moment I guess.

To preface, I've had thoughts about suicide before my relationship with her but I generally was able to break away from these thoughts while in it. And while my break up did kickstart these thoughts again since obviously they would, they are most definitely not the origin. The break up happened because she stopped loving me apparently and I still loved her so this did actively hurt me more than her and she recognizes that. I did tell her before about how I had thoughts about dying (not the reasons why) before in the middle of our relationship so she probably knows this isn't leaving me in a good state. We broke up about a month ago but a week ago I asked her why she felt this way to begin with and it just spiraled from there but basically for now she doesn't want to talk to me. And probably doesn't have any intentions of getting back with me right now.

Now she reached out to me and asked if I was doing okay? And I understand she has good intentions but I don't really think I should tell her that I'm back to having these thoughts again (she has my familys contacts) so on top of her probably berating me for having these thoughts again when I don't want to be told my reasons "aren't good enough" or "things will get better" and probably thinking it's only because of the breakup, I'd also have to worry about her contacting my relatives. I do want to get back with her, and I do want to talk to her again since I genuinely did enjoy my life when hanging out with her, and after all she was the only person that gave me a good enough purpose to NOT want to feel this way and the only person I trusted to talk about this topic with. But there is literally no benefit from talking to her right now when I have the options to either lie and say I'm ok which I'm just not doing. Telling her the entire truth which I don't see any benefit from at all really. Tell her a half truth, which seems to me the only reasonable thing I could do besides not answer to begin with. So in reality it's just between those two.

 

[Worndown]

I suggest responding. To ignore her message would highlight your true state.
You can say that things could be better. Vague and not specific.
That is true.
Don't dig into how things are not great.

 

[darksouls]

welcome to sasu

 

[dayy]

I suggest responding. To ignore her message would highlight your true state.
You can say that things could be better. Vague and not specific.
That is true.
Don't dig into how things are not great.

yeah this seems reasonable ngl
ty

welcome to sasu

thank you

 

[J&L383]

 

[SomewhatLoved]

My advice is be vague, spare them the details.

This happened to me. I still loved them, they still loved me. But they left me for certain reasons. They reached out some time later. At first I tried to hold it all in, but I knew I wasn't ok and I thought if I wanted to get out I shouldn't hold everything in because it would just pile up inside me and eventually I'd fall apart. So I started talking openly about how I was feeling - "trauma dumping". I am inconsolably just depressed. They tried to help and they did more than anyone has done for me but it just didn't work. No one could have changed me at that time, and even now I don't think anyone really can.

Anyways, eventually I exhausted them and pushed them away with my "honesty". They were pretty much the only person I spoke to and I hurt them, pushed them away, and made myself almost entirely alone.

I'm sure there are differences with your circumstances, but I think in general it's probably best to show restraint to some level. Some things are better left unsaid, especially if the other person feels differently than you and you know that.

Sometimes you have to bear weight by yourself.

 

[Carrot]

I'd just tell the truth. It doesn't mean you need to be an open book, saying "I don't want to talk about this." Is also saying the truth. The world would be better if everybody told the truth, so I lead by example.

I only lied to my therapists about cbt related stuff because putting me into a ward schieves nothing.

 

[dayy]

My advice is be vague, spare them the details.

This happened to me. I still loved them, they still loved me. But they left me for certain reasons. They reached out some time later. At first I tried to hold it all in, but I knew I wasn't ok and I thought if I wanted to get out I shouldn't hold everything in because it would just pile up inside me and eventually I'd fall apart. So I started talking openly about how I was feeling - "trauma dumping". I am inconsolably just depressed. They tried to help and they did more than anyone has done for me but it just didn't work. No one could have changed me at that time, and even now I don't think anyone really can.

Anyways, eventually I exhausted them and pushed them away with my "honesty". They were pretty much the only person I spoke to and I hurt them, pushed them away, and made myself almost entirely alone.

I'm sure there are differences with your circumstances, but I think in general it's probably best to show restraint to some level. Some things are better left unsaid, especially if the other person feels differently than you and you know that.

Sometimes you have to bear weight by yourself.

It is pretty sad hearing some parallels I can draw from this to my own situation despite differences aswell :(

To some degree I already know if I told her to what extent this was really hurting me, it'd just put her in a spot where maybe to her it'd feel like I'm trying to guilt her back into it, when I just don't want to push her away or invalidate her feelings either. I'm not entirely bottling my thoughts as at least I can talk about it here so I do feel less strained to talk to her specifically about this. So to some extent I don't feel like I'm going to explode like I used to if I don't tell her about this.

If I talked to her in depth about how I feel it'd just hurt and push her further away while hurting myself even more in the process.

I'd just tell the truth. It doesn't mean you need to be an open book, saying "I don't want to talk about this." Is also saying the truth. The world would be better if everybody told the truth, so I lead by example.

I only lied to my therapists about cbt related stuff because putting me into a ward schieves nothing.

yea to some extent I more or less said something similar, I don't think going in depth about how I'm feeling would help so I chose to stay vague while being honest

 

[bankai]

If you're trying to heal and forget about her then you need to go no contact completely.Reach out to her later on your own terms if you really feel you need to. But get over her first.

I'll be honest. If she's a narcissist. She will purposely reach out to you to make sure you cannot forget her.Just saying.

 

[dayy]

If you're trying to heal and forget about her then you need to go no contact completely.Reach out to her later on your own terms if you really feel you need to. But get over her first.

I'll be honest. If she's a narcissist. She will purposely reach out to you to make sure you cannot forget her.Just saying.

I'll definitely keep this in mind

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

responding is just gonna reopen old wounds dont get too dependent on a person who left u and "stopped loving you" wich is a joke excuse in its self, i think u even hesiting if u should answer her already tells u enough what to do. Let yourself move on :)

 

[usernamesarehard]

responding is just gonna reopen old wounds dont get too dependent on a person who left u and "stopped loving you" wich is a joke excuse in its self, i think u even hesiting if u should answer her already tells u enough what to do. Let yourself move on :)

There's a lot I want to say, but I guess I'll start here since I have a tendency to type WAY too much. This is really the only place I talk about my feelings in any depth (aside from my diary).
ANYWAY, yeah I completely agree with this comment. If you're not ready to talk to her either because you're not over her or because you don't want another person in your life you have to lie to or because of both reasons, then you don't have to talk to her.

Now she reached out to me and asked if I was doing okay? And I understand she has good intentions but I don't really think I should tell her that I'm back to having these thoughts again (she has my familys contacts) so on top of her probably berating me for having these thoughts again when I don't want to be told my reasons "aren't good enough" or "things will get better" and probably thinking it's only because of the breakup, I'd also have to worry about her contacting my relatives.

I suggest responding. To ignore her message would highlight your true state.
You can say that things could be better. Vague and not specific.
That is true.
Don't dig into how things are not great.

If you're only considering responding because you're worried about her reaching out to your family, don't be and don't respond. If she contacts them just tell them that you didn't respond to her because you're not over the break up and need time. Most people have been through a break up, so they'll understand and won't immediately jump to 'he must be suicidal, we need to lock him up.'

To preface, I've had thoughts about suicide before my relationship with her but I generally was able to break away from these thoughts while in it. And while my break up did kickstart these thoughts again since obviously they would, they are most definitely not the origin. The break up happened because she stopped loving me apparently and I still loved her so this did actively hurt me more than her and she recognizes that. I did tell her before about how I had thoughts about dying (not the reasons why) before in the middle of our relationship so she probably knows this isn't leaving me in a good state. We broke up about a month ago but a week ago I asked her why she felt this way to begin with and it just spiraled from there but basically for now she doesn't want to talk to me. And probably doesn't have any intentions of getting back with me right now.

This is pretty much the situation I'm in. Actually this is the exact situation I'm in. The only difference is when I was with my ex, the suicidal thoughts never stopped and I mentioned a few times that I was suicidal, but never really got that deep into it with him, so I don't think he understood how bad it was.

I've been suicidal since highschool, pretty much the only thing that made life worth living was getting to be with him, he broke up with me because he stopped loving me (with the extra pain that he said he did love me, he just wasn't in love with me and he still left the door open to maybe getting back together one day), we also broke up last month(on the 30th to be exact), ex plans on going no contact for at least 6 months maybe longer and also has 0 intention to get back with me. We also had the 'why did you fall out of love with me' talk. Fun stuff, right?

Now she reached out to me and asked if I was doing okay?

My ex wants to be friends once we've gotten over each other. That won't be until sometime next year, though, so I can't tell you if having contact with her will be a good thing or a bad thing.

Anyway, useful comments aside. I suppose I'll rant for a bit, feel free to not read this shit.
One of the worst things about being suicidal and dealing with a break up is people just assume you're being over-dramatic and want to ctb because of the break up. They can't possibly understand that you've been this way for years and the break up was just the straw that broke the camel's back, it's not the sole reason you want to die.
I thought I had more to say, maybe I'm just too tired.

Anyway, as corny as this probably sounds, you're not going through this alone. There are other people dealing with the same shit you are right now. Yeah people have dealt with stuff like this in the past, but it can be hard to talk to them because they have a tendency to down-play/ dismiss your feeling because they got over it so long ago they don't even remember how they felt. But just talking to people in your situation can lead to you all bringing each other down because you're all focused on wallowing in your misery. I guess a balance to talking to both people is good. You get to talk to people without them immediately dismissing you and you don't end up in an echo-chamber of misery.

You won't have access to pms until you've made 50 messages, but if you do end up getting access to pms you can always reach out if you want. I've been posting melodramatic shit on this site for the past 2 weeks at least, trust me I won't judge you on what you have to say. Or we could talk here, or not at all, completely up to you.

Good luck with recovery or finding your method, whichever you end up choosing! If you do choose recovery, things will get better, at least that's what I've been told.

 

[dayy]

responding is just gonna reopen old wounds dont get too dependent on a person who left u and "stopped loving you" wich is a joke excuse in its self, i think u even hesiting if u should answer her already tells u enough what to do. Let yourself move on :)

honestly I don't find a problem with the "excuse", but I definitely do have a problem with that I was never given a reason why she did "stop loving me" despite having asked myself multiple times, but yeah while it's too late to have not said anything, I get this.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Sometimes you have to bear weight by yourself.

You don't have to bear weight by yourself, SaSu has a team of helpful users ready to listen, me included

 

[dayy]

If you're only considering responding because you're worried about her reaching out to your family, don't be and don't respond. If she contacts them just tell them that you didn't respond to her because you're not over the break up and need time. Most people have been through a break up, so they'll understand and won't immediately jump to 'he must be suicidal, we need to lock him up.'

this did contribute at least a little bit but was definitely not the reason why I felt the need to message her back, again I do wish I could get back with her but it wouldn't help either of us if I talked about how I'm feeling in depth. So I did feel like not cutting off contact but that is probably the only thing that could've been said/asked and that I would have a problem with messaging her back.

I've been suicidal since highschool, pretty much the only thing that made life worth living was getting to be with him, he broke up with me because he stopped loving me (with the extra pain that he said he did love me, he just wasn't in love with me and he still left the door open to maybe getting back together one day), we also broke up last month(on the 30th to be exact), ex plans on going no contact for at least 6 months maybe longer and also has 0 intention to get back with me. We also had the 'why did you fall out of love with me' talk. Fun stuff, right?

yeah honestly for the most part this is pretty head on with my exact situation especially the "why did you stop loving me" conversation.

My ex wants to be friends once we've gotten over each other. That won't be until sometime next year, though, so I can't tell you if having contact with her will be a good thing or a bad thing.

As for being friends, I feel like maybe I can give my own thoughts, it's like assuming the option of getting back together in the future isn't closed off. This can be either a terrible or good thing, if somehow you can be okay with letting go of someone that you loved, and not be reliant on said person getting back with you, while at the same time also still being open to getting back in a relationship then I guess it's okay? but realistically that's just not the case for myself or I don't think others as well. So it ends up being a gamble of whether you end up in a deeper hole than you were already in with false hope while lingering with a person you hope to get back with, or somehow getting back together and getting what you want. For myself I did also just find her fun to hang out with so I wouldn't generally mind being friends but it's definitely not what I'd truly want.

One of the worst things about being suicidal and dealing with a break up is people just assume you're being over-dramatic and want to ctb because of the break up. They can't possibly understand that you've been this way for years and the break up was just the straw that broke the camel's back, it's not the sole reason you want to die.
I thought I had more to say, maybe I'm just too tired.

^^^^
I completely agree with this, and I actually hate when it's made out to be as if I'm only feeling this way because of a break up. It does amplify these thoughts for sure but to imply that it's ONLY because of the break up is actually so frustating. Having found a purpose and a will to keep moving foward, then having to lose said purpose, is obviously not going to help, it definitely does make things so much worse when at least for myself I was given an extreme boost in happiness and self worth. But now having to go back to not having that while now having the experience of when I did feel to some extent better with my life doesn't feel right like at all really. Especially considering that I am unhappy with not with my own life but life in general? I just hate doing things I don't wanna do and "realistically" that's what life amounts a lot up to. That's not to say you can't do things you want to do but in excess it's definitely a lot more of "getting by" and mundaneness than doing stuff I want to do.

Anyway, as corny as this probably sounds, you're not going through this alone. There are other people dealing with the same shit you are right now. Yeah people have dealt with stuff like this in the past, but it can be hard to talk to them because they have a tendency to down-play/ dismiss your feeling because they got over it so long ago they don't even remember how they felt. But just talking to people in your situation can lead to you all bringing each other down because you're all focused on wallowing in your misery. I guess a balance to talking to both people is good. You get to talk to people without them immediately dismissing you and you don't end up in an echo-chamber of misery.

Yeah I've had an okay enough balance with talking to people around me but I do feel a lot more free in what I can say here than the ladder which helps

You won't have access to pms until you've made 50 messages, but if you do end up getting access to pms you can always reach out if you want. I've been posting melodramatic shit on this site for the past 2 weeks at least, trust me I won't judge you on what you have to say. Or we could talk here, or not at all, completely up to you.

didn't know this but I'll keep this in mind

Good luck with recovery or finding your method, whichever you end up choosing! If you do choose recovery, things will get better, at least that's what I've been told.

Thank you

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

honestly I don't find a problem with the "excuse", but I definitely do have a problem with that I was never given a reason why she did "stop loving me" despite having asked myself multiple times, but yeah while it's too late to have not said anything, I get this.

u are never going to get a good response to why she stopped loving you it will feel etiher too shallow or too dumb. All i can say is that your true love is going to stay with you through the worst and love you for everything and never leave you for stupid excuses. I hope u heal and find love again so u can see what being loved truly looks like :)

 

[dayy]

u are never going to get a good response to why she stopped loving you it will feel etiher too shallow or too dumb. All i can say is that your true love is going to stay with you through the worst and love you for everything and never leave you for stupid excuses. I hope u heal and find love again so u can see what being loved truly looks like :)

I hope so

 

[usernamesarehard]

this did contribute at least a little bit but was definitely not the reason why I felt the need to message her back, again I do wish I could get back with her but it wouldn't help either of us if I talked about how I'm feeling in depth. So I did feel like not cutting off contact but that is probably the only thing that could've been said/asked and that I would have a problem with messaging her back.

Fair enough. It's not like you can just stop loving someone in a month. Yeah, I don't really want to cut off contact either, but if my ex messaged me asking if I was ok, I don't think I'd want to respond either.

yeah honestly for the most part this is pretty head on with my exact situation especially the "why did you stop loving me" conversation.

During our conversation I actually DID get a few reasons and I completely agree with what @Ch4in3dcr0w said, if you do get a reason it's never going to feel 'good enough.' My ex said he fell out of love with me because I put up with a lot of verbal abuse from him while he was drunk and he said that made him feel like I was with him because I HAD to be not because I wanted to be, that we were just too different personality wise, and he just fell out of love with me. From what I know he was already questioning if he loved me before the verbal abuse started, and it really only happened because he wanted to either get me to break up with him or he wanted to break up with me in a way where he wouldn't remember. We also met up the two weekends after the breakup, last week was the first week we didn't see or talk to each other. At those times he was drunk and he acted pretty much like we were together again; then the morning came and he was cold and emotionally distant. There was one weekend I asked him why he was drinking so much and he said he didn't really know, there was just something wrong and drinking was his way of coping.

If I had to guess, based on some of the things that happened I'd probably wager that we broke up because he was slipping back into alcoholism and he didn't want to bring me down with him. That and also a mix of he was busy with school and he just doesn't want to be in a relationship, and he wants to do what he wants when he wants. I don't think he WANTED to beak up with me, but he had to because he has a lot to work on on his own. I don't think he would act so loving while drunk if he didn't still love me. Some say 'a drunk mind speaks the truth,' and while I think that statement doesn't apply to everyone it definitely applied to him. He clearly has some kind of problem that even he doesn't know and alcohol was his solution. Also I find it highly suspect that he both wants to be friends and has left the door open to trying again in the future. He told me in the beginning of our relationship that he doesn't have contact with exes and he doesn't have female friends. Like he gets along with and can work with women at work or school, but he wouldn't go out for drinks with them or do anything one-on-one with them. Why break these rules for me if he didn't still love me? If our personalities were so different, why would he WANT to hang out with me. I guess there are people you like in small doses, but wouldn't want to spend 16 hours a day with. I'm also aware you can love someone without wanting a romantic relationship with them.

Anyway, I type all this to say, even if you got a reason, it probably wouldn't have helped. No answer is going to be good enough.

All i can say is that your true love is going to stay with you through the worst and love you for everything and never leave you for stupid excuses.

I also agree with this. I know it might not seem like it because of the insane paragraph I just typed, but I think I'm mostly over my ex. It still hurts sometimes, that will definitely take more time to heal. But I'm ready to go out and meet someone else. If he really loved me he would have told me he had a problem and we could have gotten him into a program and got him help; if he really loved me he wouldn't put his desire to drink all weekend over spending time with me; he SAYS he loves me, but as of late a lot of his actions don't SHOW he loves me.

As for being friends, I feel like maybe I can give my own thoughts, it's like assuming the option of getting back together in the future isn't closed off. This can be either a terrible or good thing, if somehow you can be okay with letting go of someone that you loved, and not be reliant on said person getting back with you, while at the same time also still being open to getting back in a relationship then I guess it's okay? but realistically that's just not the case for myself or I don't think others as well. So it ends up being a gamble of whether you end up in a deeper hole than you were already in with false hope while lingering with a person you hope to get back with, or somehow getting back together and getting what you want. For myself I did also just find her fun to hang out with so I wouldn't generally mind being friends but it's definitely not what I'd truly want.

Thanks! Hearing/ reading other's opinions is really helpful. I think for me I might be ok. If not I can always just say 'Hey, I thought I could be friends, but this is hurting me more than I thought. Good luck, but I can't be your friend.'
I plan on setting pretty hard boundaries. We can hangout for an hour or two and do some activity together, but that's it. I think I'll be ok with knowing the door's open, but he doesn't want a relationship with me at that time.

I can't say he left me at the first sign of trouble, because he definitely didn't. But I'm ok with the prospect of going out and looking for someone else and never getting back together with him. I want to get married and would prefer to not divorce. I'd rather look for someone who isn't going to leave just because his feelings changed than get caught up in trying to get back with someone who has already showed me that he didn't love me enough to stay or even talk about how he was feeling so we could address it. I know it's more complex than that, but if you really love someone and want to be with them you won't leave just because you're unhappy.

I've watched a lot of youtube videos that bring up the fact that the majority of divorces are initiated by women and that men are more likely to stay in a marriage they're unhappy in because they either love their wives or because they take their vows seriously. Just because you're unhappy doesn't mean you leave for vague reasons. But there is a lot of nuance here, as two people who are absolutely miserable and hate each other most certainly shouldn't be together. There are endless stories of children being happy that their parents divorced and found someone they were happy with.

I guess it's hard to know what real love is, but you'll know it when you have it, and, right now at least, I didn't have it with him.

Having found a purpose and a will to keep moving foward, then having to lose said purpose, is obviously not going to help, it definitely does make things so much worse when at least for myself I was given an extreme boost in happiness and self worth. But now having to go back to not having that while now having the experience of when I did feel to some extent better with my life doesn't feel right like at all really. Especially considering that I am unhappy with not with my own life but life in general?

This is exactly what I'm feeling. It felt like he was the only good thing going on in my life and to be pushed back into the life I had before I met him is really hard. I'm planing on forcing myself to fix my social anxiety and get out of the house.

I just hate doing things I don't wanna do and "realistically" that's what life amounts a lot up to. That's not to say you can't do things you want to do but in excess it's definitely a lot more of "getting by" and mundaneness than doing stuff I want to do.

I understand this logically, but I don't REALLY get it. My flavor of depression leaves me with no real desires. Like I have stuff I like and want to do, but there's nothing that I care enough about to say 'if only I could do this thing I'd be happy and not want to kill myself.' The opposite is also kind of true too, like there's nothing I hate doing enough that if I no longer had to I'd suddenly feel better. Like I don't LOVE work, but I need structure and SOME kind of purpose in my life, so whether I work or don't I'd still hate my life.

didn't know this but I'll keep this in mind

No pressure lol. Not completely trusting anonymous people on a suicide forum... is... kind of a smart idea.