NSFW Everything is unfair (TW : SA)

[terrrrrrragon]

It always hurts so much knowing that just several years ago, I still had hope. That even though I was alone, depressed, and living with an abusive witch of a sister, I still had my life and everything ahead of me.

That was until I started losing job after job, piling up debt, all of that wonderful time all while still having no friends to speak of.

I realized that I'm well and truly fucked when I was fired from yet another 12 hour shift job due to a mental breakdown, and after doing some very loose calculations, the calculator said "you're never ever saving enough for college and you're gonna need to slave away until 35 at the minimum"

At that point all menial jobs just seemed like it was meant to leave you as fatigued and depressed as possible, and that's when a highly illegal in hindsight advertisement showed up in one of my Google searches : "Make up to 1000 dollars a day! No sex work!"

The picture had already told me that this is going to be extremely sleazy regardless of what they said, but I just had no choice. I had no family to rely on, no friends, I wasn't entitled to any kind of government payouts ( I was in hindsight, but I had no idea that being autistic counts as a disability.)

What followed destroyed what semblance of joy I could possibly feel.
I immediately realized that almost every girl in that place "puts out", and that if I wanted to make more than pennies, I had no choice but do that as well.

Sharing this is the hardest part, because I'm well aware how many people would immediately call me the most awful names for agreeing for such an ordeal. Despite the fact that I had to disassociate every single time. That several of them have outright assaulted or sodomized me until I bled. I was a product, not a person.

So many of these men likely had the means to lighten my burden, but no one was ever generous or even made an attempt to get me out of something I was clearly suffering each day that I do. But no. Many asked for "discounts". They saw me, a living being, like a toy they can haggle for. And the worst part is, due to the fact that several days I got absolutely no money, I had to even accept several times.


Why am I the one that has to feel like a used up wench now? Why do I have to choke on my own tears and feel like I'm forever filthy? Why do the people that have done things to me by force now walking free with no care in the world?

Even now, I'm sure there are probably people reading this and they're disgusted. I am scared that if I open up about this to a new friend or partner, they wouldn't want to associate with me. It's like I was assaulted over and over, but since I technically "consented" then I have no right to be upset.


I'm almost scared to post this. Is this going to haunt me here too? Will I be now known by some other derogatory term?

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I'm so sorry, know that in this community there are a lot of people that understand you. You can disable private messages if you are scared of receiveing backlash from some weirdo that has no reason to critique you whatsoever.

Believe me when I say that there are many women here that understand exactly what you say. No one will see you in a bad light for this, you didn't have a choice, you were given an impossible problem by this disgusting society, where you either sell your dignity, your innocence or perish dying from hunger or homelessness.

You are not forever filthy, never. The "men" , because I need to have an online courtesy to "respect" them and believe me I already deleted what was on my mind when it comes to these "men". Those ones are the filthy ones, they are forever filthy, evil.

You are not filthy, you are not at fault, I repeat, you were given an impossible problem by this sick society that views people like objects, you are safe to vent as much as you want.

 

[SpencerSees]

Sex work doesn't automatically mean consent. You didn't consent to being hurt over and over again, even if you didn't say no because of the money. In a legal setting, that wouldn't count as consent.
A real loving partner or friend would be able to make the connection that you were desperate and needed money. You're not disgusting for using the only way you had at that moment. These men are barely human, they see you as nothing more than a commodity. They won't save you because it's really convenient for them to have poor people around. There is love for you out there and perhaps better opportunities for financial gain.
From one sex worker to another, leave and never return. No money is worth the emotional damage this shit comes with

 

[terrrrrrragon]

Sex work doesn't automatically mean consent. You didn't consent to being hurt over and over again, even if you didn't say no because of the money. In a legal setting, that wouldn't count as consent.
A real loving partner or friend would be able to make the connection that you were desperate and needed money. You're not disgusting for using the only way you had at that moment. These men are barely human, they see you as nothing more than a commodity. They won't save you because it's really convenient for them to have poor people around. There is love for you out there and perhaps better opportunities for financial gain.
From one sex worker to another, leave and never return. No money is worth the emotional damage this shit comes with

I am sorry if my words hurt you as well. In my heart I believe that it doesn't make anyone a worse person, we were just conditioned to believe that your worth as a woman is directly tied to how much you did or didn't engage in sexual acts, never the same standard for men that are the overwhelming majority of clientele for SW. I am trying my best to unlearn but even though I wasn't brought up in a religious household or anything of the sort, everyday I see incels online wish death on women that have more than one partner, and this fear shows itself as self-loathing. I guess I always narcissistically hoped I'd be the "golden child" that never goes to parties or does drugs. That's because I was naive and immature, and could always hold it as a trump card against my abusive family. It didn't actually make me better than anyone.

I already stopped about a year ago, I was entitled to disability all along and managed to get back on track, but I feel like there's a ticking clock above my head, since I used to be in a boarding school with kids all over the country, and there were about 3 that have seen me inside the brothel. One of them has recognized me, not even a man, but an upperclassman (upperclasswoman?) that brought me food delivery..... She has no evidence but if any of those three stayed in contact, there's a none zero chance that the word will get out and everything in my life would be in jeopardy, having friends, having a job, finishing my degree.


If it gets to my parents I'll have no choice but accelerate CTB. I just wouldn't be able to live with that.

I'm hoping to move abroad instead so that I can avoid all consequences.

If you are still doing this, I hope it's privately and not through brothels because these places are the dens of evil. They take half for what is 100% your effort and your body, force you to work longer than you wish to stay even if you're feeling ill or unwell (already fucked up if you're a cashier or such, I don't need to explain why this is inhumane) and don't even bother to use the rape money to keep the places hygienic or safe.

Thank you for your kindness and everyone else who reacted. This was a very loaded first post lol