Venting Every time I get any hope, life takes it away

[RainyAfternoon]

My life is a series of failed relationships that barely get off the ground before the other person ends it. I feel like life is teasing me with the hope of something happy and fulfilling, only for it to be ripped away from me before I can even enjoy it.

This has happened so many times I've lost count. I meet someone new, there's tons of chemistry, everything aligns and they seem super interested in me... then weeks or months in, they end it without any explanation or discussion.

I'm too soft for this, each time this happens it crushes me and sends me to the pits of hopelessness. Each failure makes me wonder what's wrong with me that makes people suddenly decide they don't want to be with me.

I used to think that relationships were about working through problems and having good communication, but these days it feels like everyone would rather move onto something else. My hope of finding a healthy relationship with someone attractive and compatible with me seems impossible. I have good standards, I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. But even the "right" people I meet never work out.

I can't even enjoy dating or relationships now because I expect them to end suddenly. I have no trust because all I've ever known is being blindsided and discarded. Even if I find a happy relationship at some point, how am I supposed to feel safe and content, knowing they could turn on me at any moment?

At this point, I genuinely believe this is hell and I am being tortured.

 

[timf]

There can be a degree of mystery in dating simply because people can participate for many very different reasons. Some date because they are looking to find someone to marry and build a family. Some date to find someone they can live with for a while. Others may date to find a casual fornication partner. If you have a particular reason and someone who has a different reason finds out, they may end it.

Even people with the same political or religious views may have different dating objectives. If you consider how unhappy people are who have different objectives but end up married, you might see a positive side to rejection. It is kind of like being thrown out of hell. On the one hand it is insulting, but on the other hand you are no longer in hell.

Sometimes it can help to be more upfront and clear about your objectives so that people who have different ones can reject you sooner. An illustration about rejection is a guy who asks a gal out who then climbs on top of a table and tells everyone in the room pointing at the guy and laughing that he had asked her out. Instead of feeling rejected and humiliated, the guy says, "Thank you. I could have wasted time and money before I found out what you were like".

You sound like you have some depth and sensitivity. You may only be compatible with someone who can see that and appreciate it. These sort of people are not common. You may have to devise a sort of filter that will get people to reject you more quickly before you make an emotional investment. It would be similar to wearing a Trump t-shirt would insure that people who did not like Trump would avoid you.

 

[alstroemeria55]

Relate to this very much. I feel like I'm impossible to love and that my life is pure hell as if I was only born into this world to be emotionally tortured in the worst ways. I wish finding a person who deems me as important as I do them was within the realm of possibilities for me.

 

[itsgone2]

At this point, I genuinely believe this is hell and I am being tortured.

This. I don't know what else it could be

 

[RainyAfternoon]

You sound like you have some depth and sensitivity. You may only be compatible with someone who can see that and appreciate it. These sort of people are not common. You may have to devise a sort of filter that will get people to reject you more quickly before you make an emotional investment. It would be similar to wearing a Trump t-shirt would insure that people who did not like Trump would avoid you.

I think this is good advice, though in my case I'm not sure what the best implementation would be.
I usually tell dates upfront that I am a more sensitive emotional person. Many say they're perfectly fine with that, but when they find out what that actually entails, they realize it's not something they're comfortable with.

 

[timf]

If you get frequent inquiries about dating, you may be attractive. However, many people are :attracted: to attractive people like children are attracted to candy. This puts you in the position of having to be more aggressive in sorting out the "children".

Since you used the word "implementation" casually in conversation I would estimate that you have an above average IQ as well. This can be useful in making assessments. While most people are drawn to those who are attractive, there are other qualities upon which lasting relationships are built. For example, kindness, humor, forbearance, the inner strength to rise above difficulties, honesty, reliability, etc.

Sadly, the really desirable character qualities are not as easily discernible as physical attractiveness. This requires a sharpening of interview skills. For example, If you would like to get married and have children asking someone if they would ever like to have children and they answer, "Well, maybe one" might be a red flag.

There are all sorts of questions such as about work aspirations, past relationships, political and religious inclinations, special interest and hobbies. as well as family experiences that can help you build a picture of the person's character.

This places a burden on you to develop the interview skills to be able to get the information you need to make better decisions. It might be useful to find a book in the business section of the library on how to interview people.