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Blue Rose

Blue Rose

Student
Feb 6, 2021
156
I had overtaken the strait of troubles, sorrow, and hard time now.
My boyfriend had overcome his hard time so, we started to talk with each other again.
And I am going to have an interview for a new part time job tomorrow, I wish everything would be fine.

Today, there was a profound discussion about the moribund(A person in a stare between life and death)
And Limbo in a suicide's mind and heart.
I can't remember details of it, however I can relate their story considerably.

I think most of members in SS have their ambivalent feeling and thought. But I feel mine are extreme things.
Surely these are related to my childhood. I can't remember that period, nevertheless I could hear some remarks about that.

So many people had cared and loved me with their sincere heart, and so many people had abused and bullied me with their pure hatred.
I had been very sensitive, very vulnerable to any kind of intense stress, anxiety and grief.
In addition, I had to endure the more than what I could have endured with my capacity.

As I had said before in my other threads, I hate and love the people in the real life.
Not only I feel resentment at them, but also understand them at once.

It is the very complicated problem & feeling.

Not only I correct my plan in my spare times carefully, but also look forward to living with my bf in a secluded village.
Not only I would never like to participate in most society and groups, but also I am interested in them passively.

It is very complicated problem & feeling so.

I am sure that I can never escape from this extreme ambivalence to life and death.
I am sure that I can never anticipate what myself will do something in advance.
Just I know what I should do. It is, Embracing my extreme ambivalence without any judgement or blaming.

I will love and hate the people and everything again.
I will attempt to taste my various days with amused heart and attempt to do CTB again.
I will smile at myself and will cry for myself again.
I will start to be confused with unsolved problems, and will reassured myself again.

Yes... I can give up neither my life nor my death for now.
I can't give up my plan for CTB and hope to die on my will. It is my meal, water, air for breathing.
I would like to take my life with my hands in the near future.
However I would not like to leave my beloved parents and bf for my lovely Grim Reaper too!

Many members of SS will understand me and this thread well.
 
Last edited:
  • Hugs
Reactions: NeverSatisfied, Catchingdabus27, Symbiote and 5 others
T

timf

Enlightened
Mar 26, 2020
1,363
Ambivalence in itself is something of an achievement. As one struggles to get past some of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that can occur in life, one may learn to protect oneself from those who inflict pain and open up to those with whom happier times can be shared.

If bad times happen (especially in childhood) it can be quite an accomplishment just to reach ambivalence. You should give yourself credit for overcoming already what many people never experience. In a way, this is reason for hope that the future will be brighter.
 
  • Love
Reactions: Blue Rose
Blue Rose

Blue Rose

Student
Feb 6, 2021
156
Ambivalence in itself is something of an achievement. As one struggles to get past some of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that can occur in life, one may learn to protect oneself from those who inflict pain and open up to those with whom happier times can be shared.

If bad times happen (especially in childhood) it can be quite an accomplishment just to reach ambivalence. You should give yourself credit for overcoming already what many people never experience. In a way, this is reason for hope that the future will be brighter.

Tkanks for your long and kind reply.

Now, chaos has eneded. I will wait for some reply, and answer to them, then I will burn out this trash account, this impurity in SS immediately. This trash account will be burnt out on Mar 16.

Naturally, I love most of everyone, everything in this world.

I had decided to give up my right to end my life on my hands forever.
I will embrace, understand, trust, love, and forgive everything in the real life.
There is No reason to cry in vain and to harm myself anymore.
I became rubbish and impurity in this site.

I must go now. There will be people who & whom I love unconditionally. I must not betray them.
 
Last edited:
  • Hugs
Reactions: Catchingdabus27 and BeansOfRequirement
BeansOfRequirement

BeansOfRequirement

Man-child, loser, autistic, etc.
Jan 26, 2021
5,785
This trash account will be burnt out on Mar 16.
That's weird. Good luck, that post:reaction ratio kept me going in times of darkness.
 

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